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Belongs to: Therapist gets Sober by Tool
i actually shed a tear at around the 7 minute mark. tool fan for a decade or more. addict for longer. worst part is that im successful and intelligent, but i hate myself. i want what i want.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing. I’m sorry you hate yourself and are struggling. Being trapped in addiction can leave you feeling hopeless, like there’s no way out and things will never get better. We crave things we know will hurt us but can’t resist, then we are consumed by guilt and the cycle repeats. There is always hope though. Nothing worth doing is ever easy and when you come out the other side you see your growth and the wisdom you’ve gained. You deserve to be happy and healthy and I pray for strength and courage for you to fight! You are worth it!
Yes, sometimes we know rationally that we have everything we need, or that we’ve accomplished things we wanted to do, yet it still contrasts with the way we feel internally. It makes us realize how much life goals and practical or material circumstances are secondary compared to our emotional world and what it pushes us to do. To the way we view ourselves, others, the world around us, how worthy we feel or not, how much we sabotage ourselves or not, how much shame we feel just for being human, for existing. It’s heartbreaking to feel this duality inside of you, especially when it lets that self-deprecating voice become even stronger: “What do I have to complain about? My life isn’t that bad. Others have it worse. My problems aren’t real. I’m the worst. I’m too broken. The problem is me.”
Your emotions are valid, and they’re a part of what makes you human. Some of us experience this constant battle between our rational minds and the intense cravings that addiction brings. The conflict between wanting what’s good for us and giving in to what feels necessary in the moment because we need to feel, finally, just a little bit of relief. It’s like being at war with ourselves, knowing what we want isn’t always the best for us, but still leaning towards it anyway.
I hope you can hold on to the fact that you’re not defined by your addiction or the moments of vulnerability that it brings in your life. You deserve compassion my friend. From others and from yourself, both through the moments of growth and the most challenging ones. You are not failing yourself - you are a human being who is struggling, and you deserve to feel supported as you navigate through this.