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I almost did something really bad

I just need to get this off my chest.
A few days ago, I was completely done with the world. I was breaking down, getting panic attacks… the whole program. I relapsed and started cutting again. I felt completely terrible, like the last piece of shit. I still don’t feel good in any way, but I was able to calm the storm in my head. But in that moment, I almost slit my wrist do end it all. I was so close to doing it, but was able to stop myself in the last second. Since that moment, I just felt lost. I didn’t - and still really don’t - know what to do. I haven’t told anyone about it. I just don’t know what to feel anymore.

I’m sorry if this didn’t make any sense, but my mind is completely all over the place right now.

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I’m sorry you got to that point. It’s terrifying and upsetting and so, so heavy.

Do you have anyone in your life you can trust enough to tell this stuff to and hold you accountable? The one time I was ready to end it, I called a friend I knew was strong enough to handle it, she talked me down, and there was no judgment afterward.

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I don’t really have a person, I can talk to about this, no.

Hey again @HeresA.Gun.KillMePlease - I responded to your other post, but this post has me worried! I hope that you are okay. I am really sorry you struggled with relapse and hurt yourself again. When it gets really tough, I know it can be hard not to fall back into familiar patterns to cope. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of love and care.

How can we best support you right now? Is there any gap in your life that we might be able to find a resource for you, to fill? Have you disclosed your self harm to your therapist? I want to see you supported, and I want you to be healthy and alive to tell your amazing story. You are not a piece of shit, you are a wonderful human being dealing with a lot of extremely difficult things, and we are really glad you are here. I want to hear how you are doing (8 hours since you posted) and learn more about you so we can best support you. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you, for your kind words.
I honestly don’t even know what is wrong right now, that lead me to these kind of actions? Everything just seemed way too much to handle in that moment. But I swore both myself and a friend, I won’t try again.

I haven’t been able to talk to my therapist, about self-harm. I can’t build up the courage to do so. Especially, since I only can talk to him over skype and I am scared my mother will hear it. And even if i texted him about it, there is a chance my father will see it(i have to use his laptop for skype, as I don’t have one of my own). And I am honestly terrified of the thought of my parents finding out about it. About a year or two ago, my mother saw my wounds and started getting mad at me and was close to yelling, blaming it on my friends, telling me to stop talking to them. Since that day, I have never mentioned stuff like that ever again, towards her.

I am doing alright, I think? I don’t know, I’m not feeling anything really, right now. I have managed to stay clean of self-harm for about two days now, but it’s really hard. Although, I hope today will be easier, as I am seeing some friends later.

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Thank you for checking in :hrtlegolove:

I am so sorry you don’t have a more understanding support system, but I am also really proud of you for pushing through on your own and being persistent in taking care of yourself. Bumps in the road happen, but it’s how we recover that is important.

If you ever want to check out the Twitch stream with Dan and Casey (if you don’t already) they talk a lot about replacing harmful behaviors with more productive ones, and for me that has really helped with negating the feelings of wanting to self harm when things get tough.

It is okay to be numb, you are going through a lot. One day at a time, you only have to be clean of self harm for one day at a time <3

Hey there, I wanted to chime in and point you to a resource we have - we wrote a workbook on self-harm which contains practical ways you can navigate what you’re going through. You can buy the book here.

If cost is an issue, email me at [email protected] and I’ll get one to you. Also, read this and let me know if that’s a help to you as well. Try the 7 days of free counseling on our resources page here, and see if that helps as well.

And then, let us know how you’re doing! Check in here and get involved in the community, we’re here for you.

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