I am so tired of feeling stuck. Or like I’m just floating? Doing nothing. I want to sink my teeth into something real. Something that’s mine. Something that’s mine because it can be, not because it has to be or is supposed to be.
I feel like an empty vessel. I just want to feel like I matter. Not only as a mother or only as a wife but as just me. Just me apart from the things I’m “supposed to be” because how can I be what I’m supposed to be if the base of that is this black chaos.
Desperate for something and feeling like nothing matters. Feeling like I’m in a daydream with car crashes or body harm. Something strong enough to just to shake me out of whatever this is. Because then at least there would be a mark. Proof that something happened.
I feel like a little girl standing in the middle of a room, eyes tightly closed and just screaming at the top of my lungs, begging everything to stop, while everything spins around me. Everything feels like chaos and noise and vague “I’m kinda struggling” statements or useless paragraphs typed out that say nothing and mean nothing other than basically “ugh.”
But what really is this chaos around around me? My very easy kid? My clean house? My admittedly very comfortable living? My ability to generally have no worries in this life? Why do I feel this chaos? Why do I feel like I’m spinning? Violently grasping at the air and catching absolutely nothing. Like I want to turn the world off but also jump into it?
This is chaos. This is absolute darkness and chaos. Nothing about this is ok or feels ok. I want off this crazy ride. I am too old for this
I’m sure we’re fighting very different battles I’m close to your age and a lot of things you spoke about I feel that way too. If you need a friend I’m here.
Thank you. it can feel very lonely.
Hey friend. I hear what you are saying. That you want an identify outside of being a mother and a wife. You just want to be seen as you, apart from these roles. That you can’t understand what is so chaotic because your outer world is great but your inner world is in disarray. I hear you, friend. You just want to be okay but you aren’t. Know you aren’t alone in this.
Your post totally resonates with me…the “I feel like an empty vessel. I just want to feel like I matter…Just me apart from the things I’m ‘supposed to be’ because how I can be what I’m supposed to be if the base of that is this black chaos.”
Wowzers. I don’t know what you’re supposed to be - I don’t know what I’m supposed be so my reply to you is merely a thank you. Thank you for echoing parts of how I feel most of the time I’m awake - or a lot of the time, I should say.
I think you have a keen way of expressing yourself by your writing - have you ever thought of being a writer? Or are you? I only say this because I find great solace in writing and it is one thing that helps me process whatever I’m going through.
I don’t know much and this is my first time to post here after just learning about Heart Support from a singer I just interviewed. So I saw your post while scrolling and thought - man, she literally just described how I feel during those lows…and she’s a great writer too!
While I don’t have any advice specifically, I just know that I relate…
MRML - CB
Thank you. It’s hard to accept the compliment on writing because I don’t feel like I actually said anything, but thank you.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I haven’t gotten anywhere, but I have been thinking! Sorry you feel these same things. It can be a pretty empty space.