I am so tired of feeling stuck. Or like I’m just floating? Doing nothing. I want to sink my teeth into something real. Something that’s mine. Something that’s mine because it can be, not because it has to be or is supposed to be.
I feel like an empty vessel. I just want to feel like I matter. Not only as a mother or only as a wife but as just me. Just me apart from the things I’m “supposed to be” because how can I be what I’m supposed to be if the base of that is this black chaos.
Desperate for something and feeling like nothing matters. Feeling like I’m in a daydream with car crashes or body harm. Something strong enough to just to shake me out of whatever this is. Because then at least there would be a mark. Proof that something happened.
I feel like a little girl standing in the middle of a room, eyes tightly closed and just screaming at the top of my lungs, begging everything to stop, while everything spins around me. Everything feels like chaos and noise and vague “I’m kinda struggling” statements or useless paragraphs typed out that say nothing and mean nothing other than basically “ugh.”
But what really is this chaos around around me? My very easy kid? My clean house? My admittedly very comfortable living? My ability to generally have no worries in this life? Why do I feel this chaos? Why do I feel like I’m spinning? Violently grasping at the air and catching absolutely nothing. Like I want to turn the world off but also jump into it?
This is chaos. This is absolute darkness and chaos. Nothing about this is ok or feels ok. I want off this crazy ride. I am too old for this