I feel like I take up too much space. Both with my weight and just in general existence in a room.
Too many people notice. Like I am too loud. Too opinionated. Talk too much. Too crass. Clumsy. Noisy. Forceful
Not at all like my peers They take up much less space. They make themselves smaller. Slink into themselves. Smaller. They are quiet. Submissive. Careful with their words. They’re polite. Graceful. Meek. Humble.
I feel like a broken puzzle piece. Like I came out of the same box as all of them, but I don’t quite fit anymore. Maybe I used to, but now my edges are a little too beat up and I fit into the bigger picture just a little… off. wrong.
Everyone told me it gets better as you get older. You’ll find your tribe. Your clan. Well, I’m “older” now. What if I don’t?
Hey, I have felt pretty similar to what you described, although our specific circumstances are different. You referred to yourself as a broken puzzle piece. I have applied those exact words to myself for years.
I was born with a physical disability called spina bifida. As a result, my spinal cord was damaged, leaving my feet and ankles paralyzed from birth. (Please understand I have no interest in pity. I’d say most people with disabilities don’t want to be pitied because of it.) I can walk, but throughout my life, I have used various assistive devices. When I was a kid, I used a combination of ankle-foot orthotics (leg braces,) a wheelchair, and forearm crutches. I still wear my braces to walk every day, and I use my chair for long distances. The phrase “taking up too much space” sounds all too familiar to my experience using a chair and crutches. I feel like I am constantly in the way when I’m in my chair. It takes up to much floor space. But it puts my head at everyone else’s waist level when they’re standing up, making it harder to interact with them, because they’re not used to the awkward height difference. They just avoid making eye contact with me. Since I have relied heavily on my upper body strength my whole life, my shoulders have become rather broad, and my arms are bigger and more muscular than that of many of my peers. So even when I’m not in my chair, I still seem to take up more space than a lot of other people. No matter where I go or what I do, I cannot seem to fit in. I stand out even when I’m trying all I can to blend into the crowd. People notice my chair, or my braces, or the way I walk. There’s nothing I can do about it. Children stare and ask questions. Adults sometimes do the same. Like you, I feel like a broken puzzle piece. But I’ve had to learn to deal with it. You can do it too.
Being quiet and reserved does come with its drawbacks. I am very shy, quiet, and submissive. But that only means that people ignore me or just don’t notice me when I want to be noticed, and they give me funny looks and unwanted attention when I wish they would leave me alone. Being too quiet has been a pretty big obstacle for me because it prevents me from making my voice heard. I have a certain level of respect for people who are more assertive than I am. So what value or advantages can you see in your natural propensity to be more outspoken? Hone in on that and refine your strengths. It most likely will take work, time, and effort for both of us to improve our social skills. But is it possible that you’re not as “off” as you seem to think you are? Is it possible that you are your harshest critic?
God made us all with quirks and idiosyncracies for a reason. They can present barriers and create isolation. But they can also fill the world with beauty. You don’t have to be alone all by yourself. We’re here. We appreciate you. Jesus loves you.
I totally know how you feel, I have still a lot of problems because of that but with some time I found some people with whom I fit in and I am sure,that you will find your group too.Also don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not as bad as you think most of the time, believe me.It’s called the spotlight effect, when we think that we did something we consider bad, we have the feeling, that all eyes are on us but really they are not.Nobody even notices it 99% of the time.Go ez on yourself ^^
I understand how you feel. Right now, I think the focus you are putting on what others think about you might be a little too much. Remember that all people are unique and that’s what makes us beautiful. If we were all the same life would be very predictable and boring. If you spend a lot of time and energy worrying what others think of you, you might be missing a lot of what is great about you. I think you are a brave, amazing person for sharing your story. There is nothing wrong with people who are big and loud. They take up space so the world doesn’t feel empty and when they are loud, the important words they have to say will always be heard. Most people are too worried about their own universe to judge you and those who aren’t are too busy feeling bad about themselves so they take it out on you. You are smarter and stronger than that. Be yourself always. To thine own self be true, because you are an amazing person whose definitely worth being here and being loved. Hold Fast, Stay Strong, and Love yourself. You are worth it.