Im feeling so awful about a lot of things atm. My depression, suicidal thoughts, mental disorders and my heartbreak. Here is another part…
I hate the way I am, the way I look. Im overweight and getting worse. I worry no one will ever love me or find me attractive cause Im both fat and mentally unstable. Im disgusting to look at, I can’t even look myself in the mirror and I feel bad for anyone who has to be around me.
I used to be pretty and skinny, and then shit hit the fan and over the course of a few years Ive become a whale.
I hate how much value I put into my outer appearance but it’s all I ever got attention for. I was the cute one. Now Im a “used to be”. I binge eat and eat my feelings.
Without food I don’t see much point to life. I want to change. I want to FEEL good about my body and how I look but Im severly depressed and I have a hard time doing anything at all.
I just don’t see how I can get life back together again. Im just a broken piece of trash and no one will ever love me. If I can’t love myself and be healthy why would anyone else?
Its such a competetive thing as well. If I can’t be the best at things, I give up. So I don’t bother working out cause I know Im never gonna be as strong as I used to be. I used to be an elite athlete.
Now Im just a pathetic shadow of myself. I feel like I should just die, easier.
And I honestly hate myself for even typing this out. It’s pathetic. I seem to need constant reassurance or support or I just get into this self hatred spiral.
I just don’t see the value in myself at all anymore. I might aswell just disappear and no one would notice or care.
Please don’t hate yourself for typing out your post - you did the right thing by reaching out! Have you also tried reaching out to a licensed counselor too? It feels so, so good to just lay everything out on the table and to have him/her organize your thoughts for you. Don’t be ashamed to seek professional help - it takes a strong and willing person to reach out! Sometimes it’s also wise to be paired with a type of medication too in order to re-stabilize yourself while you learn on how to quickly and efficiently defeat your demons one-by-one through counseling. Trust me, it’s absolutely worth it. Also, I know it’s really hard to take a light jog while being pinned under depression, but I would really encourage trying it. When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. So, not only will you feel better, but you’ll feel healthier too! It’s a great place to start. You got this! You’re strong!
I have meds and I’ve gone through several therapists and done CBT. They still don’t know how to help me. Atm Im without a therapist cause they don’t know what to do with me… My meds, they used to help me a lot I feel. But they aren’t doing what they should IMO. Im scared to try new meds tho. Got prescribed a new med to take, but it’s for bipolar issues. I haven’t even been diagnosed with it. I feel scared and hopeless in all of this.
Palefires. Please don’t feel bad about writing this. We are all here to support you and help you. We love you and you know how important you are to us all. You are a beautiful person and an amazing friend. I’ve loved every minute we’ve had to chat and I hate seeing you like this. Please keep fighting, stay strong, you got this. You’re so brave.
Palefires, i am so sorry you are going through this/feeling like this. Your weight doesnt define you … By the way people WILL love you … who cares if your fat? You be who you are and dont let what others say to you bother… TBH, i bet you look amazing just the way you are. but please dont give up keep trying. you can always try to do your best. you can always try to loose weight. what im saying is take your time , you can do it and your loved. remember YOU ARE WORTH IT and hold fast friend.
This post is heart breaking… Feeling like a shadow of a past self is so horrible, I’ve been there, I also know what it’s like to need constant reassurance and support. I feel like I’ve done nothing more than to cry and whine on here since I joined. I’m wondering if there are things you can do when you want to eat instead of eating. Maybe reach out to someone, do something else that brings you joy, or something more simple, maybe just writing out what you are feeling to purge yourself of any pain your thoughts might be causing. Growing up I didn’t really have body issues but as my depression has grown I’ve been feeling like an ugly piece of trash. You’re so much more than your flesh and bones. I really hate the idea that if we can’t love ourselves no one will love us; it really keeps me more ashamed and feeling more broken when I hate myself, it makes me doubt those people who do love me and it makes me not want to reach out. Don’t believe that garbage, you are worth love and if it takes someone actually loving you to teach you how to love and take care of yourself then I hope it happens. Sometimes we can’t love ourselves cause no one taught us how to love. I sincerely hope that you can keep pulling yourself up every day as you have so far, facing a day with that desire to end it all IS NOT EASY and you are so brave to keep going. DO NOT FEEL like a failure. You are doing what you can as much as you can, we all break sometimes, we all fall, we just have to find strength to even breathe sometimes. Don’t be discouraged, you’re beautiful and wonderful and you have so much to offer this world! I really hope to get to know you and I hope I can some how be here for you. You’re not alone in this and I really hope that people pour out their love for you. Posting this is a small step to loving yourself. I read in a reply that they want to try new meds with you that might be scary, whatever happens it will be okay. Tomorrow is a promise to you, and I and everyone here, don’t be afraid, you can survive and you can live and you will find so much more in this life once you conquer this.
@Palefires
I understand completely. I used to be skinny and life was great. I also tried everything sometimes I even think about throwing up. Its not my weight that also brings me down it others like my feet and my eye that turns in.
Shopping is the worst cause all I see is skinny people flashed in front of me.
Hating yourself is not the answer. Trust me. Feeling confident will come with acceptance. You have asked and tried to get help. That is the first step. As for love someone will. I also eat my feelings mainly when I stressed . That doesn’t help.
Keep trying remember to love your self and these things take time. Your not always going to win but you can keep trying and pushing forward and until you do. Salad always help. Keep hydrated.
WE would notice if you disappeared. If you really think you’re disgusting to look at, I’ll go blind for you. Because I think you’re more beautiful on the inside than you ever were on the outside. Spirit is invisible, individual, and intangible. Beauty is very similar. As long as you have spirit in you, you’re beautiful.
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Please call me ASAP & NEVER give up!!! You are totally worth my number being online. I want to help you with literally the best thing you can here. I know you’re amazing and want a conversation with you so so badly!!!
I know it’s late to post on this, but if you read it, o feel exactly the same. I’m so sorry you feel this way. Maybe it’d be good to talk with someone honestly without fear of criticism? I think I could use the same.
Don’t feel bad about yourself! You’re doing great — keep it up! I don’t know how you’re doing today, but I hope that you’re feeling good with your body now. I recommend you to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, do regular exercise, and take supplements if possible. You might also want to consider HGH to make the progress quicker.
