I hate to admit it but I am. Every time I do the deed, I feel pleasure in doing so. To see the blood dripping down makes me want to dig the cut and pry it open to let it flow more. I don’t cut myself often as I have a boyfriend who always keeps an eye on me but when I do, I make sure to hide it or simply make an excuse. I also think that having fresh cuts and scars are beautiful on my body. It’s like a tattoo that I want to do more of. I know that cutting myself is wrong and before, I did it to let out my emotions but now it has become an addiction. I don’t cut myself much anymore so I do other things such as starving myself, going to the gym and overworking myself or drinking too much to the point of a bad stomach. Recently, I bought knives and cutters for harming myself because I can keep them by my bedside. I don’t want to use kitchen knives because they are dull and used for cooking. I haven’t told anyone yet and I don’t plan to. Even I know they’ll think I’m fucked in the head and probably go get help. I don’t want help. I hate when others come into your life just to see how you are doing. You’ve never been part of me before and now you ask how I’m doing? I don’t know if this is a phase because I have always been thinking I have depression but never went to a professional to make the call. I don’t want to self-diagnose as it will label me as an attention whore. I have old scars from previous cuts years ago and I’m ready to make more when I’m at my limit.
Hey Pochi,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like you need to hurt yourself. I think everyone should have that one friend that they can call no matter what. This should be someone who isn’t going to judge you for whatever it is that you might be having trouble with. I hope you can reach out to someone close in your life that you can share this type of relationship with. I care about you and don’t want you to hurt yourself either. My wife has struggled with anorexia since she was 13 (she is 43 now) and has cut herself numerous times on the tops of her hands. I would like you to call her if you ever get the feeling that you want to cut yourself. Please realize that nobody wants to force you to do or not to do anything. My name is Joe and her name is Christie. If this is something that interests you, please let me know and I will find some way to get her # to you. She doesn’t know I am telling you to call her but she has been to treatment 6 times over the past 21 years (that we have been married) and has such a good heart that she would probably be able to relate to you on a very personal level. Let me know if you want her number.
Joe
I battled with cutting and pulling my hair out for a long time when I was a teenager and a young adult. I turned to self destructive things to cope. It helped recenter my mind and my thoughts. It calmed me and relaxed me. I never had much of a support system and those who found out made me feel like I was just looking for attention. My feelings and hurts that I was fighting completely disregarded.
So I can somewhat relate.
I battled with self harm for many years. It took me a long time to over come it. It’s hard to let go of when you are hurting. I understand.
Heart Support has a book called “ReWrite” that is a guide book through self harm. It can be found on amazon for purchase if you want and they also give it out to those who are hurting and may not necessarily have the means right now. If you click This Link it’ll take you to their shop where you can order it at NO CHARGE to you. And they will send it to you wherever you are.
They also have one for depression. Which can be found Here. This book can also be found on amazon as well.
I encourage you to get these books with the links I sent you if you’d be interested. They have work journals inside them to help guide you through them.
You matter. You are important.
I hope things get better for you.
- Kitty
@anon17277947 @joefor88 I’ll be sure to read these messages when the time comes. Bless your souls 
pochi,
It was really nice to hear you say you don’t like when people come to see how you’re doing because it made me feel like I’m not alone. That really stood out from your message. The cutting part I can’t relate because I could never cut myself. The way I harm myself is just by talking to myself. I verbally pound myself in to a corner and wonder why no ones wants to help me. Then when people come or show a glint of sincerity, I push them away and get mad like their all in my business lol sounds funny when I type it out because it doesn’t make sense. Yet the feeling makes sense.
Thank you so much for sharing because you don’t make me feel alone and at the same time you let me understand that it’s not clear thinking.
pochi we really need to find another way to deal with the painful feeling we feel when people show us they care.
I completely understand what you feel and I am glad that there are people out there who understand the feeling of being stuck in your negative thoughts. Thank you for the response. These days I try to be more open to my significant other about my feelings and find that it helps Temporarily before i urge myself to harm myself again. maybe you need to find someone to talk about your feelings no matter how ridiculous it is because then, you will realize that someone IS there for you and WILL help you clear your mind and help you become mentally better. I find that even talking to online people help as well because of being anonymous. What you can also do is find something else fun to do such as listening to songs, playing video games ,etc but these are not the best options because the thoughts linger back when you’re done. I hope you find a solution for your problems