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I am broken

I am broken. Completely and utterly broken. Everywhere I turn bad things are waiting for me.
In September I lost my best friend to an overdose, and last month I lost a colleague I’ve worked with for 6+ years to suicide, someone I also considered a friend… and I’m jealous. Jealous that they don’t have to suffer anymore. They get peace. People tell me to pray on it, but I pray on it and it seems like they go unheard. I don’t know where to turn anymore… I can’t take anything else, but it all just seems endless. I’ve tried so hard to hold on, but I don’t think I can any longer.

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Hey, Kayla.

I remember your last post about these things that you’ve been struggling with, and I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I’m religious myself as well, and sometimes it definitely can be frustrating to feel like you are praying so hard for something that never seems to be fulfilled, or to feel that your prayers go unheard. I can’t attest to whether or not they’ve been heard, but your prayers are not wasted because they’ve been giving you hope, and they’ve been giving you strength from within yourself.

Suicide is so hard. It’s so painful and raw and truly pierces people who lose someone to it to their core. But, it’s important to accept your emotions and the things you are feeling right now. You’re probably experiencing grief, shock, anger, confusion, loneliness, and more. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel those things. There is probably nothing else you “should” be feeling right now. Grieving is so difficult because there is no timeline and there is no “right way” to grieve. There is no time period where you simply grieve, get over it, and move on. It ends when it ends, and making it through that time period can seem so impossible. But I promise you that it isn’t.

Are you taking care of yourself? Are you getting enough healthy food in your system? Are you sleeping okay? Doing these things, although they take a lot of motivation at times, can really help keep your mind in as healthy of a space as it can be.

Do not isolate yourself. Reach out to loved ones and let them know that you are struggling. Even if they can’t fix this problem for you, sometimes it’s enough to just have a shoulder to lean on or someone to confide in. Some days will be better than others, so it’s okay if one day you feel a little bit better and the next you feel like you’ve taken 2 steps back. Healing is not always linear, and time does heal all wounds when we try our best to aid in that healing process.

I know that in one of your last posts you mentioned that therapists near to you have long wait-lists, and I am wondering if you did get on a list. If not, I think that is a good place to start. I know how frustrating that can be as I’ve been on a waitlist for nearing 2 months right now, but it really is a good step to take if you have the ability to do so.

You are doing great by holding on for as long as you have. You are incredibly strong, and I believe in you.
Cyber

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One day at a time, Kayla. I know saying this can be annoying, but once we feel like we can’t take it anymore, then we need to slow down, as much as possible.

You’ve been through so much in a short amount of time. You had and still have to process devastating news and grieve the loss of people you love dearly. From this large spectrum of experiences that we are meant to live as human beings, grief has always been the hardest one to me. I hear you and I understand how it feels to be jealous of the ones that don’t have to deal with all the shit that this life throws at our face sometimes. And overall, just all the darkness we can see in this world.

But if we try to be more fair to ourselves, we can then realize that there’s another side of the piece that we are ignoring when we focus on our desire to be with the ones we lost. We ignore all the good, beautiful, fulfilling things and experiences that life has to offer too. Love, above any other thing, is the deep root of so many wonderful experiences and positive things happening in this world, and in our life. The other side of the pain you are feeling is the love that you hold dearly in your heart. The one you are always so willing to give to others, and the one that so many have for you. Hold on to that love, friend. It’s not gone. It’s not going to be taken away from you. And it will help you to keep pushing through.

You are loved dearly. I’m thinking of you and hoping that you will find some peace in times to come. Use our shoulders, our willingness to be here for you, use the strength and hope we have for you. You’re not alone. You don’t have to be on your own while you are pushing through. Let’s pick up these pieces of your heart that seem broken, and let’s try to compose with them in a way that will help you to feel at peace, not by being gone, but right here in this world and with the people who love you. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey Kayla!

The Houston HS team replied to your post! Here is the link.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1s5gVMoZP2BMCqmi6mdBYLgqTY1Kz2Bu7/view?usp=sharing

Hold Fast and with love
Morgan

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