From sholmes: I am completely unable to trust anyone at all. I don’t trust my family, I don’t trust my friends, I don’t trust anyone. Nobody alive has any clue that I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for the past 5 years. I never even told my friends when my parents were going through a divorce. Those were some of the worst years of my life, and I didn’t trust anyone enough to confide in them. They still don’t know. Nobody does. Why am I completely incapable of trusting anyone at all? I don’t even think I could trust a therapist. I barely feel comfortable saying this here, on discord where not a soul knows my actual name. I don’t know what to do.
From fennec wright, ace defective: Hello again, sholmes.
Thank you for posting here, and sharing part of your story with us today. I completely understand being distrusting and holding everyone at arms length— and I applaud you for being brave and entrusting this with all of us here today.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling so heavily the past five years with these thoughts. Do you mind if I ask you… do you have any idea what might be contributing to those thoughts? Do you have certain things in your life stressing you out?
With distrust… it’s really hard saying. I understand possibly even having a hard time trusting a therapist. The one I trusted full heartedly left the clinic, and my new one already gives me iffy vibes. I want you to know though, if you do want to try therapy— you don’t have to be a complete open book with them, and they’ll let you know that too. If you’re uncomfortable with them, vocalize it.
We’re all here for you, no matter who you are. How are you doing today?
From sholmes: Alright. I suppose, life has been a lot harder in some ways ever since I went to college, that certainly hasn’t been helping. I wish I knew why I felt this way. I might try therapy someday when I graduate and have my own income, I don’t want anyone else paying for my own therapy, and I definitely dont want family knowing I need it.
From sholmes: It’s always pretty bad, but it gets worse at certain points. My parents divorce was potentially the worst point in my life. They got back together. (I don’t know if it will stay that way) And then I didn’t get into the dream school I had been hyped up to go to my entire life, and I had to choose some other university. It has not been great since I got to college.
From fennec wright, ace defective: I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get accepted to the dream school you wanted. I still want to go to university myself someday.
I want you to know if you do go into therapy or talk to your doctor about what’s going on, you may be able to speak to your academics advisor and get some recommendations to help college go by smoother for you. I didn’t find out until my last few months in community, but I wish I did when I first started college with my first degree. I’m so proud you’re going to college, sholmes. I’m sorry things are so stressful. Just know that you can use us here anytime you need to get something off your chest, alright?
As for not wanting your family to know, you could also contact a crisis line with your state is severely heightened. That, and HeartSupport does offer one free week of therapy through betterhelp. I’m hoping that what I’ve said is somewhat beneficial.
From NateTriesAgain: yeah, sholmes, it’s really hard to feel like you’re alone in the world. The thing that’s even harder to stomach is that it feels like life has put you there, but the door isn’t locked, and you choose to stay. But it’s like - why would I leave? It just means getting betrayed, rejected, hurt again - so…I’ll be alone, but being alone is being locked in a cage with your own demons - suicidal thoughts just bullying you for FIVE YEARS, and you have no one to talk to. It’s like you’re fucked one way or the other, and it’s hard to feel like there’s a world where things get better.
From sholmes: things sometimes do get better. When my parents got back together, there was a short time where I thought things would be alright, but I feel like I got dragged right back down to hell as soon as I got to college. I don’t know. It’s hard, but I appreciate ya’ll.
From フェネック (fenn): Things like this in life definitely are hard, but we believe in you here. If you can talk to a doctor about your current struggles, I would strongly encourage it. :))
It is hard. Hard to even know what to do with trust problems. What do you do…TRUST? That’s the issue, it can’t be the solution xD It just feels like a catch-22. I’m glad there are good times to reflect on…and real HOPE you’ve experienced, because it lets you not just fall into the pit of “doomcasting”. Thankful you are sharing about it. Unvoiced problems can’t be solved. So, honored you’re choosing to voice it, and voice it here.
Hi friend, Thank you so much for this post and as others have said thank you for the trust that you have managed to find to write this post. I can totally relate to what you are saying, I myself have struggled with trust issues for most of tmy life and strangely it all started with the divorce of my parents when I was young. My theory for that looking back now is how I trusted my parents to raise me in a happy healthy well adjusted home where I could feel safe and loved and I wasnt and didnt so if the people that brought me into the world the people that were meant to love me unconditionally let me down how on earth was I ever meant to trust anyone else? Do you think any of that resonates with you? I love both of my parents its just unfortunate that things happened that left scars however if you can find the cause for why you have these thoughts and beliefs you can go back and confront that problem, learn how to manage it and remove it from your future, kind of like dropping off your baggage so you can walk around more easily.
I do understand that it all sounds so much easier than it is but at present you trust no one, you have nothing to lose. See what steps you can make, we can support you as much as you need it, you could even so an action plan if you wanted, we have them here on the wall (you dont have to its entirely your choice, its just an idea) I would love to see you moving forward and not spend more years unable to have a trusting friendship. Best of luck. Lisa. x
From MissTpyed: Hi, <@648201722409386006>. I am glad you were trusting enough to post here; a courageous step.
Trust is something we learn as children. The people around us teach us the signs to pick up on in other people. Is this person going to help me or hurt me? Mixed signals or broken parental trust can have long-lasting effects on our ability to trust others which we carry throughout our lives.
For the sake of your mental well-being, at some point, you will have to take the leap and trust somebody. This person should have nothing to gain from the relationship, a one-sided transaction in your favour. Therefore, this approach should raise the level of trust you can assign to this person.
An excellent place to start would be a paid professional who has your best interests at heart and nothing to gain personally. Hopefully, this dynamic will help you feel comfortable sharing some of the issues you have raised.
You are always welcome to come back and share more here anonymously if that is an easier way to start the process. The important part is that you find some way to talk through your mental struggles.
From MissTpyed: It is so sad that we are still taught to feel shame for seeking help with mental health issues.