I am getting close to giving up and I don't want to feel this way

[PM_Universe]

Up until last summer, I had a perfect life planned out. I passed my Ph.D. qualifying exam and was working towards writing research articles. I was madly in love with my girlfriend with whom I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life- she was my best friend before dating- and I was generally a happy person. And then, every domino fell.

My project lost its funding, my equation with my prof got sour, and my girlfriend ended the relationship because she refused to believe I’d be able to convince her parents (Asian inter-religion nonsense). Long story short, I moved back in with my parents and started looking for a job only to witness the pandemic strike and tank the global job market.

It’s been eight months since I’ve been coping with my loneliness and the job hunt, and I got nothing. All this while I see my peers get promoted or engaged or something! It’s come to a point where I doubt my worth in terms of just about anything- as an employee, as a friend, as a partner, even as a son. I’m 27 and a jobless dependent on my aging parents, and it kills me to see that nothing is changing.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my good days where I feel positive and network effectively with potential employers, but seeing it lead to nowhere is getting me to my brink, and I don’t know what can make me feel better. I don’t see a future for myself and it makes me want to just quit. I hate myself for even thinking that, for giving up so easily, but I’m running out of options and perseverance is reaching a limit.

[Alex]

Hi there @PM_Universe,

Before responding to all of the things you’ve posted here, I just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you for showing up today, for being present, and for reaching out. It honestly takes so much humility to share what’s going on in your life, so thank you.

I am so sorry that everything just seems like it’s fallen apart. I can imagine how painful each of these losses would be on their own- but to experience each one on top of the other- that’s incredibly burdensome. I don’t know if this is particularly helpful, but you’re certainly not alone, especially in the jobless department and living and depending on aging parents. That’s where I am too, and especially with the pandemic quarantine happening. That guilt alone can eat someone up inside yes?

Though, I’m glad to hear that you have good days where you can network and be productive job hunting- that’s a real good sign! Since the pandemic hit, it took me 2 months to work up the courage to even start applying to jobs again (it was an endless cycle of guilt and anxiety).

My friend, what do you think about rest? When’s the last time you rested? Your mind, your body? I mean it- not trying to be cushy. It’s clear you are a hard worker and you strive to be the best you can be in your professional and personal life. But when’s the last time you took one day just to be? No social media, no 8-hour job searching on indeed, no guilting yourself for having circumstances outside of your control that pushed you to be back living with your parents? I don’t mean to overstep any boundaries, but I just wonder if you’re just so tired, and if you need some rest- physical and mental? You so, so deserve it.

Please keep us posted, and welcome welcome to your HeartSupport community.

[ktStark]

Hi @PM_Universe and thank you for sharing with us. I can’t imagine all of those things happening in such a short time. Each of those changes is something that is stressful and painful, so I can’t imagine how hard it is to have all of those things happen so close together. And the pandemic on top of all of it to make so much of life feel out of our control. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling stuck and losing your perseverance.
I would like to remind you that all of the circumstances around your painful and horrible past year are not because you were not worthy. You worked very hard to get to pass your PhD exam, proving that you were academically worthy of that opportunity. Your girlfriend ended your relationship because she was unsure of her family, which is a reaction on her part and not a reflection of your worth. The pandemic has made finding work for so many people extremely difficult right now. That is a long time to feel frustrated.

My 2019 was the worst year of my life and I remember feeling the same way, that things would always feel this difficult, and that there was so much out of my control, that nothing was going right and never would again. But a year later now, I’m in a much better place, even though the pandemic threw me some curveballs right as I was getting back on my feet. I only share this with you because I know from experience that this horrible chapter will not last forever. I don’t know how much longer you will be in this position, but it won’t be forever. And on the other side of this is another chapter where you will be able to feel inspired again, and have momentum, and feel driven again.

You ARE worthy. You ARE important. And you ARE uniquely talented and a benefit to the world around you. Life just threw you a lot of difficulty all at once. It makes sense that you’re feeling tired after working through all of that in 8 months. Rest when you need to, whatever is restful for you. Fighting through this hard time will be very much worth it though, because your life matters and your future still holds so much amazing potential and happinesses. Thank you for reaching out, we are here for you and ready to listen whenever you need us. We believe in you