Hi there.
Not sure how to go about this but I am 14 and I just can’t continue.
Everyday feels like I am weighed down by an anchor, I barely get any work done, and it is not that I don’t want to! In fact my mind is screaming at me that I need to start working and pay attention but it just can’t bring myself to move or did anything, it is like I don’t have the mental energy. If it weren’t for my mum I don’t believe I would eat or take care of myself, as it stands I barely shower or brush my teeth but that isn’t my mum’s fault, I should be able to take care of myself.
I used to believe that although I hated myself- my looks, personality, and everything in between. At least I was smart. I had a future. My now, now I don’t.
I have a condition where more days than not I am unable to open my eyes for hours on end. It can be due to the sun, wind, hot and cold foods, everything. It really hurts as well. I miss so much school because of it and school is great because they help and send me work but between no motivation to do that work, no teacher input and lack of time, I feel so smothered and I am falling behind so much. At first it wasn’t as bad because my condition only worsened in Yr8 and there was no stress but I have less than a year and a half until my GCSEs and I don’t know anything. I am so behind. And everyone, including my mother says ‘luckily she is academic’ or ‘she is bright’ and they dismiss it but I am just a girl, a child, I can’t teach myself. And they still haven’t found a solution for my condition and probably won’t for ages. I used to cling to the hope of a future but now I don’t think I have one. I am so, so tired. I am not sure I will make it past 2021, I’m not strong enough. Even though I don’t want to end it, I still can’t carry on like this.
I just, I need help. Please, I don’t want to die.
Hey Friend! Welcome to the community! Thank you so much for writing!
I am so sorry to hear that you feel like an anchor is holding you down!
Power through that anchor and show the anchor that you are stronger than you think.
I want to encourage you, that you ARE strong enough. Here’s a song by Matthew West called “Strong Enough”, let this be your anthem that pushes you through the day.
Keep fighting friend.
With Love
Ducky
Hello @eviepuss and welcome to the community, thank you for posting and congratulations on posting. It takes a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable especially with people you don’t know.
I want to say hang in there, evie! You have so much life ahead of you, being only 14. There is so much the world has to offer. I really think you need to talk to your mom, if you haven’t already and go see a doctor to see what’s up. Especially since it’s effecting you in a really negative way. I completely understand that you don’t want this and want to function in a normal capacity. I want to say, also speak to your teachers or guidance counselor. Know that you are not alone and there are people out there that want to help you and see you succeed. I know everything feels hopeless right now but know that it is only temporary and once you can talk to these people and go see a professional, things will start to get better.
I know it’s hard to find the motivation to do things, I have this problem sometimes with not wanting to get out of bed. Unfortunately we won’t always have that motivation to get up and do things, we just have to force ourselves to do it because it needs to be done. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating, personal hygiene is all stuff that needs to be done. I personally have depression and what I found that works for me is to write down what I need to do even if it is completely obvious. Like, duh, of course I need to get up and dressed, but seeing my to-do list I can take it one step at a time and cross it off my list. It makes me feel accomplished and it’s okay to only focus on you and your needs. Once you continue to do your list, it will become like second nature to you after a while. You’ll almost be on auto pilot to take care of yourself. Sometimes we need to find our own schedule and stick to it because humans are routine animals by nature and when we don’t have a routine it can almost feel empty or no purpose.
I hope this helps, friend. Stay strong and hold fast. I believe in you!
Hey there eviepuss,
I’ve definitely been there before, and it’s very difficult to try to push yourself forward when you find it difficult to hold the status quo.
Something I do want to say is that people take many different routes to life. There is no one single path you HAVE to take, or one test you HAVE to succeed or you’re stuck. While GCSEs ARE important, they don’t define your worth as a human being, and doing poorly on them doesn’t mean you’ll have an unhappy life and no career. It’s still important to do well, but your future isn’t on the line here, the test just potentially helps set you up for something else.
Self care is extremely important, and I’m glad to hear your mum is helping you take care of that. It’s one of those things that’s worth doing even when you really don’t want to. If you can get yourself into the habit of doing it, you wont feel like you have to push to work so hard each time. For example, I didn’t used to like brushing my teeth when I was young, but now I can’t go a day without doing it because it makes me feel gross. At the start, I had to put an effort in, now I actually get some relief!
For the time being, maybe try to break things up into smaller chunks. It can be easy to be overwhelmed with all that testing and school and self care on top of it. Try to take it a day at a time, and just focus on getting through the next day, making sure you do your homework, and doing the best you can do.
As for learning things on your own, there are actually a lot of great resources on the internet that are free out there that can really help! I’m not sure if there’s something specific you want to learn, but it’s possible to do it! I self taught myself a program that’s vital to the job I have now, so you can learn things that set you up for the future outside of school. If there’s something you want to learn, let me know and I can try my best to find you some resources on it!
Have you thought about speaking to a therapist about these things? I’m not a professional so I can only make assumptions, but it sounds like some sort of depression. Maybe doing a bit more research in that area and speaking to a therapist about it will give you some peace of mind?
Sometimes just knowing what something is, and knowing why it happens helps a lot 
Best wishes friend
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