I am so confused by my past. I learnt about narcissistic parents 6 years ago. My parents had been separated since I was 15 or so. My father left, saw me a little but then left the continent. I saw him once around a year later and then that was it. I have never seen him face to face in 14 years. I tried getting in contact for a while after I cut contact with my mother 6 years ago. Then a while after his wife died and I just cut contact. I could not take it. All of it was too much and I ran away like a kid.
This man is not a saint, he was violent and he made me afraid. However it all tended to be around my mother winding him up as she is the narcissist. I realise now that I had forgotten so much of what she did at the time to make me afraid of him.
Around 2 weeks ago I regained contact and it started with me being brave and asking hard questions of him. However a lot he brought up I finally remembered. I am confused, my mother definitely alienated me from him but what was real? His anger and shouting but then again after living years with just her I was going insane too. So realistically can I blame him?
A few things have really hit me. He said he kept his phone number over 14 years despite moving states in the mean time. On asking reddit that seems a common thing. He says he gets advertising calls and would like to change it though. It meant something to me but is it remarkable?
He was taking pics of his home and I notice he has a photo of me from when I was like 8 yrs old. That is 23 years ago and he still has it despite all those moves.
I thought he didn’t care about me. I thought he never wanted anything to do with me.
He said to call him on Sept 7th, my birthday but when I did he had forgotten. Except he then sent me a receipt showing he bought me a birthday card on the 6th. I will admit I had thought maybe he just got me a card the next day to seem like he did but he went ahead and proved it.
I feel like a feral animal that wants attention but any odd movement and I run.
Does he love me? Then again if he didn’t would he just ignore me right? I am so so confused.