I am in a dispersive episode and it's so hard

HeartSupport Support
1

I just want to be okay. I was okay but now I’m just stuck and it fucking sucks. I just want to be fine. It’s even worse because there is no reason. Why does it not have a reason. I just want things to have reason and make sense. Nothing does. I just want to be fine. Why am I not fine. I hate this. Why am I like this. Why? Why? Why is everything miserable. I hate everything. I hate everything. I just want to be fine. Why am I not fine. I was. I was fine and I was starting to feel better and now. I hate myself. I hate myself. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. I’m worthless. I’m such a worthless thing. I hate everything. Why is everything such a piece of shit. I just hate everything. I hate myself. I hate everything. Why am I like this.

I’m such an idiot. I should be doing work. Why am I not doing school work. I should be doing. I’m such an idot. idiot> Stupid.

5 Likes
2

What triggered you? You seemed fine earlier.

Also, everything you said negative about yourself isn’t true at all.

1 Like
3

Hi Paladin,
I am really sorry that you have again to go through this. You said you felt better and now it is worse again. That is so sad.

I just want to tell you, you are not worthless. You are not wasting your life. And you are absolutely not a piece of shit. In contrary you are loved. You are appreciated. You are worthy. Think about all the people you have encouraged in this forum. People who like you. People who appreciate you. People who care for you. You have talked to them. You have helped them. You maybe have saved their life. You are worthy. You are loved. We care about you. You life is worthy. You are making in impact in the life of others. Please do not listen to the voices ore thoughts which tell you your are not worth anything. They are lying. You are worthy and your life is meaningful.

I hope and pray that you will get better soon. But now we are here for you to help you through your difficulties. Please stay strong and please keep on fighting.

2 Likes
4

Nothing did. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know and I hate not knowing.

5

Could it be that you’re stressing about your school work?

1 Like
6

I’m trying to stay strong but it’s so hard hearing the lies over and over again

7

Maybe but doubtful. I finished most things it’s just one big thing now

8

Ok, take some deep breaths and think about something you have planned to help yourself distract. Remember that all the BS in your head is a lie

1 Like
9

I’ve tried composing. I’ve tried youtube. I’ve tried everything that normally helps. I’m trying to remember it’s lies but its hard. They keep repeating.

10

I know it’s late, but do you have a friend up that you can call and talk to or could come over? You can just chill here and we could have some coffee and pie if you want :hrtlegolove:

1 Like
11

I don’t think anyone is up but maybe I’ll ask.

12

Yeah, try that. I think it’s better to hear someone’s voice, but we’ll be here if you want to talk too

1 Like
13

I think everyone is asleep. I texted them and no one answered. If they answer I’ll talk to them but I think they are asleep

14

I listened to some more of your music. It’s so good. Do you have plans for music?

2 Likes
15

No. I just make them to make them. I find it relaxing and fun but I can get really self critical.

16

I can see that, I would be critical of myself too. I think most creative people are guilty of that tho. I think you are very good at it and you could do something with it if you ever decide to

2 Likes
17

Thank you that means a lot to me. I have noticed that creative are self critical and I try to help my friends get out of it.

1 Like
18

It’s just our brain’s hanging onto something someone said when we were young that made us not believe in ourselves. It wasn’t even about us, it was about their own BS. It would be nice to just say, “I’m so proud of myself! Look what I did!” and believe it right?

2 Likes
19

Yeah it would but i don’t even know if it was something someone said in the past. I don’t ever remember someone saying I was worthless or something like that.

2 Likes
20

You aren’t worthless dude, I may not understand what you are going through but I’m sure you deserve to be alright. Things maybe ugly rn but doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. Sometimes it takes time and courage untill things get normal. I wish you get out of this all soon. Love from my side

1 Like