I am incapable of love

This pandemic I’m inner exploring, but for now I found truth that I’m incapable of loving anyone/anything in this planet, At this point I’m living alone apart from my family. Everyone have their own definition of Love. But the way I experienced love, probably I can’t express, convey to anyone in this world. Every single one fragmented, conditioned by their society, culture and so on… may be I’ve done terrible mistakes in life, but almost never afraid but now I am in fear that how long should I pretend to world and how am I supposed to live with this torture… all my fundamental believes and paths are upside down.

I had a chance to speak to people who are part of my life, we had debates and arguments but at the end we found we are all lost… don’t know which is the actual way of live life… Sorry for my bad English

I am afraid, feared, alone in the dark

Hi Ranjan,

Welcome to Heart Support.

I feel for you, friend. I have a vivid memory from when I was 18 and I was in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time. I remember I sat next to him and just started crying and told him I don’t think I’m capable of loving him or anyone. I don’t remember him having any response, but at the time, I did truly believe this.

I honestly believe that my problem was that I didn’t love myself, and I also hadn’t ever been loved by anyone else, and so I just couldn’t fathom what love was. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last.

Over the next many years I worked hard to find my own self worth and confidence. I ended up finding myself in a relationship with someone I truly cared about for the first time in my life a few years later. That ended in a mutual breakup, but for the first time in my life I felt that it was possible to love.

After that relationship ended I met my husband, and I have never known such love as happiness as I do with him.

I know it can be hard, especially during times of quarantine, to believe that love can exist. I would whole heatedly suggest to continue looking inside yourself first in order to see if there is some self-care and understanding that can take place to help you understand why you feel this way. It’s not always as simple as it seems.

Stay strong, friend.

@Ranjan I have been in a similar situation and I am sorry you have to endure this struggle. Though our stories differ, I have realized that my portrayal of love has been very selfish and toxic.
I destroyed my marriage by being very selfish and toxic in what I called “love.” Many times love is portrayed as a feeling rather than an action. To put it into perspective for me I turned to the Bible to see what true love looks like as the perfect example of Christ pouring out his life to love others and to ultimately die as a sacrifice for our sins. ( the book of John is a good place to look) I was chasing addiction of sexual immorality and selfish gain and what I was receiving from my wife. I have done some terrible things in life as well and to know that the God who created us still seeks after me just blows my mind. It took me hitting rock bottom this year, as I continue to endure through the pain, to realize how incapable and wrongly I’ve been portraying love. With that being said I had to make some changes to who I was and how I have been living. I have been battling several mental illnesses and am currently going through various counseling and therapy as well as abiding in Christ daily. I have also been very afraid and battling darkness and being alone in isolation. We are all lost and struggle at times but there is hope and encouragement if we take ourselves out of isolation and dive deep into who we are and how we can grow. You are not alone friend, so many people have been shown the wrong screwed up version the world portrays as “love.” It takes finding your self worth and purpose as well as digging into yourself as @Sapphire stated it’s not always simple. Even if you don’t believe the Bible there is a lot of wisdom and examples of how to love. Finding a mentor who also reads and lives by it to ask questions that come up really helps. There is hope and I pray that you will come to see it and begin to feel this burden lifted.

Thank you for your respond and insight, I’m happy that you found your love. I don’t know how to put it across, one of the thing I learned is that “Self love”, “self worth” is also kind of delusion and I feel because so many “selfs” we humans are drifting away from “inclusiveness”.

Please do not think that I’m talking nonsense, but for me, that’s the fact,

whenever Im in roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions… I’ll do the small experiment, I’ll hold my breath by blocking the nose for a minute, all my nerves, blood circulation and breathing system says “hell with your emotions and thoughts” let me function properly… May be we still don’t understand life but lost with thoughts, emotions, assumptions which are nothing to do with existential reality…

One other I realised there’s no such thing called “individual love”. Thank you :pray:

Thank you for your respond and shared your experience. I personally do not identify with religion, race, nationality, even my body and mind reason being is that i feel those are the things which are reasons for wars, inhumanity, division and cruelty.

I know mental disorder is very serious problem… but I’m sure I cannot be suffer mental illness, people give so many different names as depression, stress, anxiety etc, but the fact is basically our mind starts working against us, that’s all.

May be my problem is more than an mental issue, how do I convey people that many of them infact most them are running away from “acceptance”? Why so much of importance to thoughts which arise from fragmented mind which leads to unnecessary emotions anger, resentment, hate or love which is not actual?

I’m not sure it’s all making sense or not

Hi @Ranjan. Do you mean to say that you’re incapable of love, or do you mean that maybe you think you won’t find it or you won’t find it as you know it? I know that’s part of what Sapphire was saying in her reply, but I also feel like maybe incapable is the wrong word. Not everyone loves in the same way but everyone is capable of love. Love isn’t just finding a husband or a wife who you love. Love comes in all forms. You love your friends, you love your family, you love your pets, maybe you have a favorite store that you love to go shopping at or a car that you love driving or a streamer on Twitch who you love to watch, but you love them all in different ways. I think saying you’re incapable of love is putting a limitation on yourself that doesn’t need to be there.

I know not everyone thinks the same as I do, but to me, some of the words that start with “self,” like self worth and self love, just mean that you are taking care of yourself and making sure that you are ok. You have to have a certain amount of “self-love” or “self-worth” to try to keep yourself from being taken advantage of by someone when you recognize that’s what’s happening, whether that be mentally or monetarily or whatever. Some people just let it happen, even when they see it coming. And if you see it coming but let it happen, then it takes a certain amount of self love or self worth to get yourself out of the situation. You have to have a certain amount of self worth or self love to see a doctor and let them know you aren’t feeling ok instead of continuing to suffer. It’s not the same as some of the other self words, like “self involved” or “self important.”

I agree that there are a lot of people who run away from the truth, but not everyone does. So one of the things I’ve heard said about depression is that the people who are depressed are extremely smart and the reason these people are depressed is because they see what’s happening in the world and see the negative things for what they are, and that’s what makes them so sad. That would be people who accept the truth and look at it for what it is. I’m not saying that I believe this (although I would love for it to be true because I wouldn’t mind being considered very smart) but it is a theory I’ve read about several times. Unfortunately, if you see someone running from the truth, unless they ask you your opinion, you can’t really tell them they are running away from acceptance without looking like a donkey’s behind. It may be that you want them to see things in a different way, and maybe make their life easier, but sometimes it makes people feel as if their being attacked, and people don’t like to feel as if they are being attacked. I mean, you could tell them, but you take the chance that you’ll lose a lot of people in your life.

It’s important for people who do have mental health issues to be able to say what they have so they can learn a way to live with it. Since depression has been the example so far… If you’re sad all of the time but you don’t know why because there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it, and everyone you know is telling you it’s odd that you’re sad all of the time, it would make you feel even more like poop because you wouldn’t understand why you feel that way. But at least if you have a diagnosis and know you have depression, you can try to figure out a way to get better. It will make it easier to learn that there are some days that are going to be worse than others, but you can still make it through the worst days and there are better days coming.

Maybe our minds start working against us, but you know, so do our bodies, and it starts at birth. But also, it isn’t just our bodies and our minds that are working against us. Sometimes it’s the environment that we’re in. Some of us didn’t grow up in very good households. When you’re abused by someone who is only supposed to love you, it causes a certain amount of mental distress that isn’t normal, and so it will cause problems. Your body and your mind aren’t meant to go through that, and so it will do whatever it needs to do to make sure you survive. That’s a lot of what post traumatic stress disorder is about. Maybe to you that’s just a series of words, but to someone who was diagnosed with it, it helps them to figure out why their body reacts the way it does. If you grow up getting hit all of the time, but get away from that and still are afraid of getting hit, PTSD can explain that. It can help you find coping mechanisms so you aren’t afraid all of the time.

I hope some of what I’ve said makes sense.

Also… You aren’t alone in the dark. I think maybe it’s that you are seeing things a bit differently than you used to.


Thank you so much for taking time and responding I’m so amused by it. I wanted to make you clear that I’m not saying mental health issues are not serious problem, at one point of time every individual will go through this… but after discovered many things about human mind, not only theoretically but experientially, actually, I know clearly that my mental system (hopefully) not get affected by external circumstances anymore…

Human beings are blessed with two powerful tools that is “memory” and “imagination” which can make life beautiful. But unfortunately we are suffering it, “love” is beautiful expression but it is crippling us. If the codes which we followed from centuries by religious texts, society we created is leading to mental issues, wars, discrimination and hate what’s the point of all these… infact these are creating distance between the true nature of us and causing fragmented mind. If we do not see, what’s our real nature is, how one can become rational. For me, anybody who identify with themselves which they actually are, it doesn’t matter how much important it is for them they are irrational…

“Love”, you don’t know me, I don’t know you but you have taken consider amount of time, care, empathy to respond to me expecting nothing this is “Love” one human being to another. The reason why I said I know there is no individual love because, the moment you say I love this and hate that, that means I’m already dividing, and that division is nothing more than psychological, emotional trap which nothing to do with existential life, So in this aspect I said I’m incapable of love.

With the minds which are always want to dissect and divide, no idea of inclusiveness at all, with the mind fragmented by so many social circumstances, how am I suppose to expect the Love?

It’s the same source which loves the dog, mother, job, art or other things, but expressions are different. Mind tricks creating division this more or this is less… Love will be existed with or without us… we cannot do love, love won’t happen. We become love…

I welcome any suggestions, exercise you want me to do, I’m the person who don’t play theory games, I want experience, Thanks again🙏

Forgive me if I misinterpret some things, I think I know what you’re trying to say. If not, I’m open to further explanation.

Congratulations, although knowing something clearly and then stating “hopefully” is contradictory wording. This may be due to the language difference, not sure.

It is in the nature of humans to develop attachments to those we perceive as being part of our ‘clan’. It allows us to build relationships, to place trust in those that are with us, and it allows us to love in many ways which I wouldn’t expect to be expressed outside of these closest inner circles. We love our mates which leads us to protect and provide for them, lest they just be another stranger in the street with no meaning. And on a similar level, we love our brothers, our sisters, our parents, enough to care and protect, but not romantically.

It is irrational in my opinion to expect that every human will experience the same emotions towards all other humans because that just isn’t how nature works. We can say that we will love all things and all people equally, and perhaps with enough discipline this is possible, but it is the polar opposite of how beings are. It is fortunately or unfortunately, the nature of man to love those closest to him/her and not feel that way for a stranger on the street. It keeps people alive and safe, because another undeniable fact is that not everyone is out to do good things - some just want to causes harm, and so we love our family and protect them from those people.

I disagree with this. You’re opinion is still valid of course, I just don’t agree with this, especially on a grand scale where the nature of all people is being examined.

I will say one thing, take it as you will.

There is another thing that the human brain does, which I will call ‘will’. The drive to do, say and believe whatever is your will to believe. It is my will to believe that love is real and is part of being human. If it is your will to decide that love is a delusion fed to you by your brain (which is technically true) and therefore it is impossible to love or be loved, I hate to break it to you but you probably won’t find what you’re looking for.

Again, if I’m going off on things that aren’t what you meant, feel free to elaborate as I do want to understand what you are saying and what you are trying to get out of this.

In any case, I don’t think you will be able to experience love until you are ready to and it sounds like your mind isn’t in the right place to accept love, or that it is even real. In which case, if you are sold on this fact, it will be impossible for anyone to change your mind.

I do hope you find what you’re looking for.


If you want exercises and experience… Try living your life without micro analyzing emotion and love. That’s literally all you need to do. Just… Live.

As Sapphire said, no one can change your mind if this is what you really believe, so good luck with finding whatever it is you are looking for.


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