I am infertile, problems with my boyfriend about it. Not sure how to handle it all

I’m sorry, this is probably going to be a long one.

2 months ago I already wrote about my boyfriend and that I am infertile. I also said that he wanted to think more seriously about this situation until the end of July, if he could live with only having adopted children or maybe a surrogacy or not. At the start of August, I asked him about it and he told me that he will never be able to promise me that adopted children will be enough, that he can’t promise me that he won’t ever want “his own” children. I asked him if that means that he has decided about it and that he definitely wants to have his own children and he said that it doesn’t mean that, just that he can’t promise me anything cause he doesn’t know what the future holds for himself, what might happen in the next few years.
He also told me, after I asked him, that he could imagine having adopted children with me or a surrogate. That he really loves me but that he can’t promise me that. We decided then that it is best for us if we get to know each other more until we give each other a more decisive answer. We thought that 1 year into the relationship should be enough time.

The whole conversation left me pretty confused and disappointed. Obviously, I am struggling a lot with the fact that I won’t ever be able to bear my own children (yes, there is a 0% chance, no hope). I hate myself a lot for it. Even though I know it’s not my fault it’s still hard to just accept it the way it is. This whole situation doesn’t make it easier.

I know, we’ve just been together for a few months and there is still a lot of time until we will actually be able to decide if we want this relationship to be long-lasting. It just makes it really difficult for me to see anything but the inevitable break up for us in the future. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I guess I should give it more time, but how much? Do I need to be scared for the rest of my life that he might decide that “now” is the right time, he’s gonna leave me and start his own family? I just don’t know how to handle it.

For now, I’m just trying not to think about it and enjoy the time we have together, but it’s hard for me to see it as anything but a casual relationship with the way things are going.

He also told me that he could see himself marrying me in the future. All I can see is it ending in the future.

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Hi Kira,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with your boyfriend. I think if there’s any saving grace here, it’s that you’re only a few months into the relationship.

Personally, while I understand that nobody can every really know what will come in the future, it is not fair to you for your boyfriend to string you along because ‘maybe’ he’ll be okay with adoption or surrogacy at some point… I mean, what happens when you’re years down the road and he decides he absolutely wants his own children and no surrogate or adoption will be enough?

If it was me, and the future was so wildly unpredictable with such a fundamental relationship issue, I would either leave the relationship, because inevitably someone is out there who will accept you, flaws and all and won’t expect you to hang around because ‘what if’; or I would tell your boyfriend that this is bothering you and you need to know that he is on board with you otherwise you are just wasting your time.

My husband and I recently got pregnant after almost a year if trying, and since I’m older I naturally started to worry that maybe I was just too old and it wasn’t going to happen. Though my husband has always wanted to be a dad (and especially his own child, like what your boyfriend mentioned), he was fine with the possibility of me possibly not being able to have kids and was willing to go alternate routes if needed. After getting pregnant I’ve been pretty sick. At one point it came close to being either myself or the baby (luckily I’ve started to get better), and he was more worried about me.

I share this because it is possible for someone who cares highly about having his own children to be able to put that aside if it means the well being of his significant other. You don’t NEED to settle if you’re not happy in a relationship.

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I feel like this situation is pretty unique and not something a lot of new couples have to deal with right off the bat. I think it’s really healthy that the topic is out there to think about and consider. I wouldn’t put too many expectations on a quick answer. Giving him space to think is a good thing.

I know you’re anxious for an answer and you’re confused, but you have to remember that it’s probably a lot for him to deal with too. He has his own hopes and dreams just like you do.

Having children or even adopting children is a big big big thing. Enjoy your time with him, get to know him more and when it’s time to talk about it again you’ll have more clarity like him to decide. Who knows after a year you might not even be with him. You might find someone who jumps at the idea of adopting children with you.

<3

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