And I am moderate to severely depressed, have PTSD, and have suicidal thoughts. I am just real good at hiding all that. I was abused by my mother’s alcoholic ex boyfriend, and later found out that my mom knew about it but never did anything to remove me from that environment because “she loved him” even though he hurt her as well. And then later found out she didn’t want me originally. I could get into all the graphic details about what he did to me but I don’t want to get too off track plus I am not entirely too sure if I am allowed to on here. The fact is, I am here because I feel so alone in my struggles and don’t know what to do anymore. I have no contact with my mother because of what she admitted to me, no father, and her ex kept me away from her side of family so now they feel like strangers. I am lucky to have a couple IRL friends who have been with me through all this as well as the awesome people I got to meet through Twitch. But those people see what I want them to see, they know I got a rough past but they also think I am this strong guy who is going to keep fighting no matter what. But it’s a lie. I am defeated, exhausted from finding the slightest reason to see another day, and am angry at myself. It’s honestly hard to look in the mirror. I feel ugly, not worthy of love or anything good, and I know that I am away from anyone who can hurt me but I can’t get the words or memories out of my head. They are on repeat and it feels like my mind is gonna split from the pain. I do not know what to do anymore.
Hey, Alex! It sounds to me like you are indeed a strong guy! You’ve suffered a lot of abuse, and you’ve survived! Of course, surviving doesn’t mean you’re unscathed. The abuse you suffered at the hands of your mom’s ex and the betrayal and abandonment you feel due to your mom’s lack of response to that abuse are very, very deep wounds
You are worthy of love. The way your mom’s ex treated you and your mother turning a blind eye to the abuse was wrong. You did not deserve that. It was unfair. You have IRL friends and Twitch friends who love you… Yes, I understand they only see what you want them to see, but I bet they’d love you even if they really did know everything about you.
I can understand feeling defeated and tired. I’ve just got regular ol’ depression without all the extra abuse and betrayal on top, and when I’m down in the pits I feel like the only thing I ever say is “I’m tired.” Of course you’re tired. You’ve been fighting for a long time, and it sounds like you haven’t really shared your burdens with very many people… Or at least what you haven’t shared what you want to share.
Feel free to tell me it’s none of my business, but have you considered talking to a therapist? I’ve found there is something rather liberating about hiring someone to listen to my thoughts… especially since they are trained to help me process those thoughts.
If you’d rather just talk about your emotions here, that’s okay, too. There are a lot of caring, compassionate people around here who want to be here for you. We know what suffering feels like and we don’t want you to feel alone. We’re listening.
Thank you for the kind words Squints. I really do appreciate it. And to answer your question, yes I have tried therapy before. It helped for abit but due to financial reasons I could not continue. This was even after trying out financial aid. And now with COVID going on, I am not making as much money as I used to so trying therapy again is definitely out of the question sadly. I have heard about The Wall from HS streams and wanted to post and maybe find SOMETHING ya know? That is why I said I do not know what to do anymore, because it is true. I genuinely do not know.
You’re doing something here and now, Alex. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. Reaching out instead of isolating yourself is a HUGE accomplishment. I really struggle to reach out when I’m depressed.
Before I go any further, I’ve got to get one disclaimer out of the way: I am NOT a therapist. I’m not trained or license as a mental health professional… I’m just a person who listens.
You are of course under no obligation to answer any of my questions, but if you want to do something, we could start here… What is the rest of the sentence: “I don’t know what to do anymore about… [fill in the blank].”?
Are you looking for coping mechanisms? Do you want someone to listen or hear something in particular? Do you need to hear you’re loved and valuable (because you are). Would you like book recommendations for self-help literature (I don’t want to overwhelm you with homework if you don’t want it)? I’d like to help, so let me know what you need.
These are some really harsh thoughts to have on repeat in your mind, Alex. I think this is probably why meditation came to mind for me. When I’m depressed, I often find myself trapped in a dark cycle of ruminating thoughts like this (different thoughts, obviously). It’s like my head is spinning and the harder I try to stop it, the faster it spins.
Meditation is one of my favorite coping mechanisms for dealing with rumination. I’ll go out to the back yard (get out of my normal space), sit down in a lawn chair, have a cup of coffee, and then… I let the thoughts come. I close my eyes, take slow, deep breaths and start acknowledging the thoughts as they surface. When I have a difficult or painful thought, I take a deep breath and as I exhale, I imagine the thought drifting away from me. Generally, there are actually only a few thoughts that are really difficult, I have just been listening to them on repeat for so long that it seems like there’s a lot of them. The thoughts will come back even after I’ve imagined them drifting away. I let them come again and then exhale them again. I don’t fight them. I just acknowledge them and let them go. After a while my mind will start to slow down. The thoughts will come more slowly and then there is space for other thoughts. Sometimes a really nice thought will surface. Maybe it’s something as simple as the air smells good or the birdsong is beautiful or my dog is handsome… Whatever the thought is, if it feels nice, I hold that thought for a while. I appreciate it. I love it. Eventually I start to feel peace and I hold that feeling for as long as I can.
It’s not a cure for depression, but mediation serves me very well as a break from the relentless dark thoughts. I hope this helps, Alex. If you have any questions, let me know.
I just came across your post and I had to say Hi. I hope you’re feeling a bit better, I know every days different. First I just want to say that you are so brave for posting on here and allowing people in. My past sounds a lot like yours and my days sound like yours. I’ve never been diagnosed but I know what I struggle with. My moms ex husband also molested and abused me for 7 years as a child. Not too long ago I also found out she knew. It’s really hard when the person who is supposed to love and protect you is part of the reason why your head and emotions are all screwed up. I used to tell myself that if she had just been a parent, she would’ve saved me and I wouldn’t be so screwed up. I have kids and a husband now and even though I know they love me, I feel so nasty and unwanted and I’m disgusted with myself. I don’t like what I see in the mirror, but even more, I hate who I am mentally and emotionally. I’m a mess. I don’t know how to deal with my mental problems and I’m always so angry at everything. I’m really sorry, I just rambled forever, I guess my point is that I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Because reading your post has done that for me. I don’t feel so alone, I feel like there’s other people who are also struggling with the same things everyday. & even though that really sucks, we’re all still getting by, slowly maybe but we’re still here, fighting for ourselves. If you even need to talk or just vent or whatever it is, I’m also here for you hope you have a good day
I’m sorry to hear how you are feeling. I once felt like this also, many years ago. My parents were also abusive and I am still trying to overcome that past after leaving their house 13 years ago. I was eventually diagnosed with Personality Disorder NOS, a couple of different anxiety disorders and transient depression.
The first thing that helped me was getting out of that environment. The second thing that helped was Job Corps. It’s basically free housing and job training offered by the government. I didn’t need the job training, instead, the biggest thing it did for me was allow me a chance to prove to myself that I could take charge of my life and make my own decisions without the world falling apart. Finding a safe place to discover who you are after you are free does wonders for self esteem.
You said you have a few close friends, this is great. Perhaps you can turn to them as a support group as you try to figure out who you really are - you are a strong person for reaching out and looking for help, this is often very difficult for abuse victims. Everyone has potential in life and I believe that sometimes you just have to find it.
If you need someone to talk to I would love to help you and I sincerely hope the best for you as I have felt your pain and as hard as it is to believe when times are dark, this will pass and life will get better. You just haven’t realized your potential yet. You are a good, strong and smart young man. You can do anything you set your mind to.