I am not a woman

I don’t know how to deal with this on my own. My name is Tristin, I’m 27 years old, I am a nonbinary individual (he/they).
I have a body that doesn’t belong to me. Everyday, I wake up in a body that doesn’t feel like home and it just makes me despise myself more and more as the hours tick by. I attempt to present myself as the person I truly am, in the way I dress, act, with my hair, wearing pronoun pins, etc. I tattoo myself, up, down, and sideways, but it’s like putting decorations in a hotel room. It’s not home, it’s just a place I’m occupying.
But it never seems enough, to myself or others around me.
No matter what I do, I get called “ma’am” and not “sir”. “She” and not “he”.
I want to shake these people and scream at them to look me in the eye and maybe then they could see my soul, my spirit. After they do that, I dare them to tell me I’m any less a man than they are.
I get preached at about a god who supposedly doesn’t make mistakes with peoples gender or sexuality. That I’m the messed up one and that hell awaits people like me. But I just feel like a pawn in some twisted creator’s game. If the game is to make me absolutely despise myself, their god is winning and hell seems almost inviting at this point.
I’m not sure why I’m really writing this or what I’m asking for. I suppose having someone tell me that it’ll all be ok will work for now.


You have a right to feel that way. People can be judge mental. There is nothing wrong the way you feel. You have right to be who you are. I don’t believe in a god that just make up bullshit rule for human to obey or use as puppets. Also, you should feel comfortable in your own skin and be who you truly are, no one has tell who you should be. Fellow your heart and don’t be ashamed of your true self.


Since I don’t share the same experience, I can’t and would never say I knew what it feels like being in your shoes. I can only imagine it as feeling incredibly torn apart between the physical reality that your body represents and you as you truly are. Such a misalignment between the two causes a lot of suffering, so reading your lines, I understand it must be so hurtful when people address you with the wrong pronouns. Thank you for sharing this and allowing me to understand more and gaining more insight.

This god doesn’t make mistakes with people. Period. You are loved as you are. There is nothing wrong with you. This is true for you as it is for anyone else. Many people fear what they don’t know. It’s so much easier for them to say that X is not okay. It is so much easier to downplay things instead of trying to understand, but this does so much wrong. This has nothing to do with you, it is on their side.

You are brave. You put yourself out there. You are true to yourself. I am so proud of you and I have so, so much respect for you. It takes so much courage to say this is how I am, who I am, despite of living in a society that loves to dictate what is okay or even “normal” and what isn’t and that loves to look down on people who don’t follow their rigid rules, who don’t force themselves into this limited mindset.

Have you found a safe (online) community with nonbinary individuals? It might be helpful and relieving to read that others make similar experiences and to find good and healthy ways to cope with the difficulties you’re facing both, internally and externally. As I said I cannot speak from own experience, but I think it’s super tough to deal with, especially coming across many people who just don’t get it.

You’re loved and you matter. You being your true self is truly inspiring. :hrtlegolove:


you are not alone in this feeling. i battle this every day just like you. i am so sorry you have to deal with this as well. it hurts like no other pain to do everything you can to present as what people perceive as a man and to still be misgendered every day. i don’t know if this is helpful for me to say, but you are not alone in this.



Hi Friend, I’m really sorry you are having to deal with ignorance. I would tell you to not let people with different belief systems get to you, but I know how unrealistic that is. It hurts and I can feel how frustrated you are. The world needs to be educated for sure. If you’re comfortable answering, are you planning on transitioning? ~Mystrose


From: Dark Weeb 666 (Matt)

Hi OnBorrowedTime. I am sorry you are going through this. It must be really tireing to deal with rejection and misunderstanding. I dont think you are a mistake or an abomination or something like that and if you are going to hell, guess what all the cool guys are there too! The people who are pointing fingers and judge you are not good people. Dont listen to what they say. You are you and only you know aht you are supposed to be like .


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, It sounds like you have so much to deal with and I have to say this is not something I personally can relate to but I would like to comment on what you have written with regards to you getting preached at. I think its very sad that anyone would use religion as a way to make you feel like a mistake. If god exists I am certain that he firstly doesn’t make errors and if he did, that would not be one of them. I am shocked that anyone who claims to be of a religious nature could say something so vile to be honest with you. Live your life however you are happiest because that is what you deserve, you are loved just as you are. Lisa xx


From: SuchBlue

Hi OnBorrowedTime,

I’m sorry to hear that people are treating you this way. Unfortunately there are religions which do not agree with who people like you are, and it isn’t something that we can really change. That being said, nobody is forcing you to believe in these religions and if somebody is, they cannot make decisions for you and it only you can decide on what you’d like to believe or not to believe. It shouldn’t be necessary to wear pronoun pins to show what you want people to address you as. The fact that you have different pronouns doesn’t mean that you are a flawed person, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for that. It is a lot to deal with and I hope that you’ll be able to have a few moments where you can take a deep breath, relax and have a good life despite of all this :hrtlegolove:


From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, new friend! Welcome to the community! I’m so sorry that you encounter so many bigoted people in your life who cannot see and accept you for who you are on the inside and cannot see your inside properly on the outside.

I will tell you the thing I told a coworker who laid the “no mistakes” line on me when I happily mentioned my friend’s top surgery I had just been messaged about while at work. My coworker went off on a transphobic rant and threw God around. When she got to the “God doesn’t make mistakes” argument I looked straight in her eye and I said very forcibly “You’re right. God doesn’t. And this is who he is” while holding up the post-op pic I had been sent. She pretty much stopped her ranting after that.

Try something like that with these religious bigots, maybe. Just throw it back at them. They are assuming they know exactly what God thinks and how he works when they try to assume he didn’t make people trans on purpose. Being trans doesn’t mean it was a mistake you were born with different genitals. Not in my opinion. It is a commentary on our society and how we force gender stereotypes onto the world and onto people. We are humans. Plain and simple.

I’m here for you my fellow human and I hope you find a way to help others embrace who you are for everything you are and not just what information their eyes tell them. We are happy to have you here and I hope to see you around again :hrtlegolove:


From: Dr Hogarth

I can only imagine how hard his must feel; to feel that people are constantly making judgements about your gender, no matter how hard you try. It must feel incredibly disrespectful, but disrespect is not the intention of those people. Most people give a cursory glance at a person and then, based on what we say is male or female in society, say “sir” or “ma’am”, but these aren’t real judgements of you or who you are. I know that that doesn’t make it less frustrating; people don’t realise the impact of how they address people. I can’t speak to what God would say, as I am not religious, but I do know that faith is diverse. You don’t need a church that is making you feel this way in your life, no one deserves to be told that they’re wrong or make them feel despised. There are many people of faith and different churches who would not be so cruel as to make you feel this way; you don’t need to be around people who make you feel like this.


Hi OnBorrowed Time,
I think we are many who can fully put ourselves in your shoes, however I think we all have tried a very small part of what you are going through, by not feeling like we fit in or are accepted by the people around us, for being who we are.

What do make me sad about this post is to read this “I attempt to present myself as the person I truly am, in the way I dress, act, with my hair, wearing pronoun pins, etc.” the fact that we have to do so much to get accepted by following a norm of how a male or female looks, it breaks my heart every time.

It sounds like you have experiences both with people close to you or who already knows and maybe also with people i might not understand or know.

I will say, i think the very best thing you can do is to educate others. Many people still don’t fully understand the different terms, or what it means to be either or. Some might look at an ID card and automatically go out from a name rather than the looks, by mistake or missing knowledge.
This is not to minimize what you are going through, because i can almost feel the frustration it must be to have people not understanding or acknowledging who you are, but i also think some people just dont know better.

So my thoughts on this is: Try educate as many people as possible. If it is in a discord server, or drive thru, etc. where people dont know you, and might make the mistake. Take the time to kindly explain to them that you are not what they are calling you, that you go by ___ and that it means a lot to people in these situations that this is used. Even if mistakes can happen. They might say sorry, and know that bit more when you leave them and i think that could do a lot to you too.

However i also understand on your post that you have experiences with people starting to talk about god and such. I myself are not religious, so i cant really put myself in their shoes. But i think it is important for us who goes through things, to acknowledge that some people we just can’t change, not matter how much we try or want to, and put our own boundaries up, and maybe take a step back from them, and go to the people who supports us and who at least try to understand what we are going through.

You are 100% allowed to be whomever you feel like you are supposed to be, no matter what others think or say. And there are a great amount of people both here and out in the world who supports these things, unfortunately people who doesn’t just talks louder, so we have to lower their volume in our head and turn up the supporters a bit more. And this goes with everything really!

I know it is not JUST DOING THAT, but it is something we can work on.

To the not knowing why you wrote it here, or what you want from it, you do not need any reason at all! Sometimes we just help ourselves by writing things down, and sometimes we just need to get reminded that the support is out there! and i can PROMISE you that there are loads of support and love right here to you :)!


its very expensive to do so :frowning:

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