I hate how I treat my one friend. She loves me so much, like shell do anything for me and loves me unconditionally. Im very introvert and need my time alone so sometimes i kind of distance mtself from her and im not as __(idk word. lend her stuff & pay for things for her) she shares so much with me and buys so much for me. Sometimes I get picky over the smallest things like gum or whatever. Maybe it is because im way more broke but I hate myself so much. It’s so painful for me to think how I treat her sometimes and how she treats me(she treats me so good). it’s so fucking painful. I feel like a horrible person and friend and the disgust I have in myself is so strong. It’s so strong that I can’t risk triggering myself or letting myself keep thinking.
My disgust within myself makes me just want to die or just rot. I always say im going to try being more considerate and loving towards her, but idk it works for a little bit. but right now, my thoughts about how shitty of a person i am are too much right now. Im thinking of everytime ive been mean to her or not treated her right
& I can’t do it. these thoughts andfeelings are getting very painful and I just take one of my nighttime medical cannabis lozenge & some benadryls to make me pass tf out so that these thoughts can stop. My friend deserves better than me. I try to make improvements but slip and I just hate letting her be friends with me… she really deserves way better.
I don’t know your full situation here, so I’ll try my best here okay?
There are a lot of things that make a friendship. And the start of it is NOT what we buy or give people. Friendship is about loving and supporting each other. Listening when you need a friend. Having compassion for each other. Friendship is saying nice things to each other when you’re feeling like shit, even if you don’t know what to say. Being there to make each other laugh by hanging out. Whether you’re just talking, playing board games, video games or just chill’n in a quiet place. Friendship is being non judgmental towards each other. Acceptance.
When someone does something nice for you, whether giving you gift or paying for a meal, it should be done because you want to do these things. Not with expectation to be given back. If you are doing things for others with expectation…it’s not being done properly. You shouldn’t guilt that you can’t give back in the same way if you can’t. You don’t have to give back everything you are given. Sure it’s nice to treat a friend once in a while but it should be because you want to, not because you feel like you have to or should. That’s no good. And doesn’t mold out a very good friendship.
Maybe you and your friend just need a heart to heart talk. Go in with love, patience and understanding. Keep an open mind and just share your feelings with your friend. And also allow them to them share how they feel. Don’t shoot each other down for how you feel. Just try to find a gentle way to resolve anything that isn’t feeling good so you can be back on the same page. A part of friendship is TRUST and HONESTY. So a good talk may help.
There have been many times where my friends and I have had to talk for hours to just discuss what we were feeling in our relationship. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. A lot of times of sadness, failure or anger. But as friends, we got through them. Because that’s what friends do.
You are not disgusting or a bad friend. You’re not a bad person. Just talk it out. In the end that’s what makes friendships stronger.
I hope that you and your friend are able to work through how you are feelings so that you can feel more confident about yourself as a friend. You are important and your feelings are valid.
Much love to you
I was going to reply to this but after reading what @anon17277947 said, there’s not much I think I can add. It’s okay if you feel “less than generous” compared to her. I’ve felt similar to this because my friends are so good to me, and I feel like I used to “use” them as an excuse to see my boyfriend. I’m doing my best to stay away from that now, but I still have that guilt. I really do think just having a heart to heart will make the situation better. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. If they’re truly your friend, then they will understand! Good luck to you.
hold fast <3