I hate how I treat my one friend. She loves me so much, like shell do anything for me and loves me unconditionally. Im very introvert and need my time alone so sometimes i kind of distance mtself from her and im not as __(idk word. lend her stuff & pay for things for her) she shares so much with me and buys so much for me. Sometimes I get picky over the smallest things like gum or whatever. Maybe it is because im way more broke but I hate myself so much. It’s so painful for me to think how I treat her sometimes and how she treats me(she treats me so good). it’s so fucking painful. I feel like a horrible person and friend and the disgust I have in myself is so strong. It’s so strong that I can’t risk triggering myself or letting myself keep thinking.
My disgust within myself makes me just want to die or just rot. I always say im going to try being more considerate and loving towards her, but idk it works for a little bit. but right now, my thoughts about how shitty of a person i am are too much right now. Im thinking of everytime ive been mean to her or not treated her right
& I can’t do it. these thoughts andfeelings are getting very painful and I just take one of my nighttime medical cannabis lozenge & some benadryls to make me pass tf out so that these thoughts can stop. My friend deserves better than me. I try to make improvements but slip and I just hate letting her be friends with me… she really deserves way better.