So right now i am stable enough to post this and I’m going to try the best way i can. So i am of course writing this at 1:34 am … well today started to be a good day till i got to my doctors appointment to see my therapist… it went well till we were the 3rd sheet one of the questions depression and i lied… i don’t know for what reason tho? because i wasn’t ready? but why? i am honest with you guys but like 90 something percent with my therapist… leaving that office made me feel like i wasn’t “good enough”… i am not good enough. i kinda don’t know what to do at that point … i was/am depressed , i am an emotionally wreck… i deserve to burn in hell . i don’t need to be alive. my mind earlier tried to tell me to harm myself but i didn’t. i don’t want to loose my counselers trust at all… I Also got another choice on where to work for 4 weeks in a program I’m in. I turned it down because I didn’t want to work with food , it just makes me feel how I’m non human/normal I wish I didn’t have to do that program but by doing it does it make me feel human or “normal”? Anyways, I’m just stupid. as i was thinking , you guys deserve better then me , I’m just a guilty idiot. why am i hear anyways? I’m sorry for being here and being a bother … what do i have left anyways since i deal with depression and moments here and there where i hear myself say “Kill yourself” or what ever… why am i here? i don’t know what else to say I’m trying to pour out how i fell well felt earlier but yeah . i am sorry that i am wasting your guy’s time reading this. i am not an issue and i shouldn’t be alive at the moment. i am sorry.
Ashley - first off, I’m SO PROUD OF YOU for fighting that urge to harm. Your therapist/counsellor will not lose faith in you for doing though. They’re there to help. It’s not the end of the world that you lied to them, next time you see them tell them you’re sorry that you lied, you were anxious and scared of what they would think. Even doing what you’re doing is a huge step and proves that as much as you think you believe those voices - part of you doesn’t. You do deserve to be here. You’re such a beloved part of this community and we aren’t going to let you fall. You’re ok Ashley - you got this.
I’m really proud of you for resisting the urge to harm yourself! You’re an incredibly strong woman. Your body wreaks havoc when it’s put through stressful situations, which results in fatigue, and severe fatigue is directly linked to symptoms of anxiety and depression. I would encourage you to try to get some sleep a little earlier than 1:34am. Be kind to your body; it’s going through a lot!
Ashley, my heart breaks for you. Please be kind to yourself. I once heard of the following analogy: “How harsh do you think you are on yourself? How many lies do you think you tell yourself on a daily basis? Take the words that you speak over yourself and pretend to direct them toward another person. If you wouldn’t say them to another person, don’t say them to yourself.” You are worth SO much more than you think you are. Your life is SO precious. Keep fighting. You’re a warrior. We’re here for you!