I dont know. i just dont know.
I feel numb, i feel like a deflated punching bag that has been dealing with trauma for soooooooo long.
Its bad enough that i want/wanted to die, want/wanted to relapse and waste the 4 years of me being clean. But i didnt. But im not ok rightnow .
Something i relate to right now is :
“I don’t know how many times
I can fall onto your knife
But if I leave you it kills me just the same
It kills me just the same”
These lyrics remind me of my fathers toxicity , the trauma he has caused me.
But mostly me probably going to cut him out of my life (sorta). All from like June/July till about now ish thats just continouslly messing with my mental health. As i stated above i really want to die , i still kinda want to relapse. IM NOT OK . i feel empty and unstable.
i really dont see a point of living right now .
I want this trauma to go away , i want stuff to stop triggering my trauma that makes me feel like shit.
Something that is sticking out to me rightnow is , my mother wants to take me away from my father . because of this crap hes pulled. But i love my father . but i DONT love his actions . i dont know what to do. I just want to give up.
understand how you are feeling right now. I’ve been there before. I want to tell you that you are going to be fine.
Trust me, even though right now you might be on the edge of your being, feeling nervous and in a state of confusion, know that this will all pass over time.
You are not going to lose your mind, you are not going insane, you are not going to die, you are not going to harm yourself or others. That is just your mind talking. This is what I wanted to hear when I was in the middle of the DP/DR storm, and I hope it brings comfort to you when you read it.
When you are in a state of extreme stress and panic, your cognition (the process of thinking) changes. Once the stress levels are back to normal, your thoughts will be too. You will have your personality back.
In fact, you will emerge from this stronger than you were before.
Accept these feelings without trying to resist them. You don’t have to do anything special to accept something: you just have to do nothing. That probably goes against the grain of what you are thinking right now. You may feel the need to battle this DP/DR demon, or put up a fight to get rid of your anxiety, but those efforts are always in vain. You need to understand that you are having a normal reaction to the high level of stress that you are experiencing in your life. DP/DR is serving as a protective layer against the incredible stress you are feeling, some of which can arise out of the depersonalization itself. It is not a perfect mechanism, but it is how our brains are wired… …these words are from a guy who recovered from DP/DR
Hi Ashley. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Let me give you the biggest hug I can . If your father is being toxic and overall a bad influence on your well being I would say you have the right to cut him out of your life. I know it is hard but if you think it is for the best do it. I really hope things will get better on your end. I really do. I wish you the best of luck
First of all, calm down, it’s hard to do but it’s still possible, so at least try to do so. You want your trauma to go away, and if your dad is the cause of your trauma then I suggest that you get away from him if you have the opportunity to do so. I know that you love him, but you can still see him every now and then, maybe with supervised visits or just calling him. You can still keep in touch. You don’t want to die, you just want to stop the trauma, and while it might seem like it, dying is not the solution to that.
I hope I helped and things get better for you, I am praying for you
Hi Friend, I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s really hard to deal with. My father is toxic and when I was growing up, I hated him but I loved him too. So I have similar emotions there. I think if I had the choice, I wouldn’t have lived with him, but I would have visited. Perhaps that’s what you can do to lesson the toxicity you experience from him? When I think about my relationship with my father, it might have strengthened things between us…who knows. Take care! ~Mystrose
I’m sorry you are feeling so empty and unable to control things. I’m so proud of you for not relapsing. Keep it up and stay strong. You can do it.
If your dad is a bad part of your life then it may be for the best to stay away from him for a time. Just because you do not live with your dad or have him as a large part of your life that doesn’t mean you don’t love him. Just because we love someone it doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be better off without them in some cases. You wouldn’t have to cut him out of your life completely or forever but it may help to distance yourself until you can heal some and get away from his toxicity.
I’m so glad you are here. Please don’t give up. Keep fighting and I hope you feel less numb soon hugs
Hi Ashley, I sympathise so much with how you describe living with an abusive person. It constantly feels like you are at your wit’s end and that you can’t take any more. Trying to deal with your trauma and living in such an uncertainty situation must be exhausting for you. From my experience of having to move away from my Dad because of his behaviour, I know how conflicting your emotions can be, but moving away does not mean you don’t love him. In his right mind, he would want you to have stability so you can start healing, but his choices in life seem to be just extending your pain right now. Once you have the stability in your surroundings, you can focus on the trauma of the past without worrying about the current situation. You can then start to heal from this. x
Hi Friend, Thank you for your post. I am sorry that life is such a struggle for you, its not fair and you really don’t deserve this, I also wish you had more say in the decisions about your own life. By now the things that happen with and about you should be discussed with you, options should be offered and as long as everyone can manage then decisions should be yours and yours alone. As for seeing your dad, if you feel your dad is toxic In your life but you love him and that is understandable by the way, you don’t have to like all of the things that the people you love do but you want to have contact with him then you should and no one should tell you otherwise, it is your dad and your choice. I truly hope things start to get better for you friend. Much Love Lisa xx
Hey all_around_ashley, thank you for sharing with us what’s on your heart. I’m so very proud of you for not relapsing. It’s so inspiring that you made it through four years of being clean. Congrats on this massive achievement. It breaks my heart to read you’re suffering so much from your trauma and your father’s actions. It’s okay to love him and still disapprove of what he did. It might be helpful to get away from the environment that has caused the trauma and that is triggering you so much in order to start healing. Please make sure to take good care of yourself and to look for professional support if needed before you end up suffering more and more. Your mental health is important. You’re loved and you matter.
. If your father is being toxic and overall a bad influence on your well being I would say you have the right to cut him out of your life. I know it is hard but if you think it is for the best do it. I really hope things will get better on your end. I really do. I wish you the best of luck 
