I struggle with anxiety and depression, just because of my brain. However, I also deal with PTSD because of past relationships that have been abusive. I’ve been sexually assaulted more than once and raped by an ex fiance. I have come a long way in dealing with these past experiences, but my current relationship has me backsliding.
I spent my new year’s day locked in a bathroom crying, because my boyfriend had just shoved me in a drunken rage because I told him I didn’t want to have drunk sex, I wanted it to mean more than that, and that made him mad. I locked myself away for fear of what else might happen until I heard him pass out. After going to sleep, I woke up to him masturbating beside me, and after I woke up, he wouldn’t let me go back to sleep, slamming doors and kicking in the bed.
I feel like I have to tiptoe around everything that I say and how I say it for fear of him getting mad at me, and this has put me right back into every bad situation I have been in before. I am scared and sad and don’t know what to do. I’m afraid if he loses me, he will seriously hurt himself, me, or somebody else. My anxiety is running so high that I have been having numerous experiences in which I almost pass out, which only happens when my brain becomes totally overwhelmed. I have had another of those nights where I am scared and really sad, and it’s beginning to seriously affect me, to the point where I don’t know how to handle all these negative emotions, and I really really need help. Please please give me any help or encouragement you can. I really need someone
Hi Mariana,
First, you need to get out of this situation. This boyfriend isn’t good for you, so I’d recommend calling the police, the hospital, put him in professional hands. You can’t babysit him like this and he needs help, which he isn’t going to get if things are like this.
Take a break and leave, maybe stay with a friend.
As for your anxiety, seek a therapist or take walks for fresh air and movement.
You’ll be okay. Just post here whenever you need, ok?
Hold Fast
HI Mariana,
Gosh, you have to be so emotionally tired from feeling all this stress and uncertainty. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this abuse, that is awful. But you are a survivor, a warrior who has been beaten down and hurt, but you are still alive and fighting. I think you already know this, but your boyfriend sounds really abusive. I think you deserve someone who treats you better. You desereve better. If you are scared for what he will do to himself or to you you need to talk to a close family member or friend. When you let loved ones know they will be able to help you to get out of this bad situation. I have a friend who’s boyfriend was abusive and she was scared for her life. She went as far as calling the police to come to the house while she packed up her things to leave. That would also be an option for you. Having a police officer come to your house so you can leave and keep an eye on him after you leave. I know thats drastic, but it might be what you need. It makes so much sense why these negative thoughts would affect you. Our hearts can only handle so much. I hope you know that we are here for you. We will be here to help you carry some of that burden.
you ARE worth more.
Love,
Cassie