I am scared it will happen again

trigger warning, abuse, rape

I’m not sure if many of you know, but I am a victim of sex trafficking and it was a very severe or serious case. the people involved were very big and sneaky and some of them had access to the hospitals I would be at. Not everybody was caught, some people got away with it 100%.

I am in the hospital right now due to increased intracranial pressure and I have a CSF shunt in my spin draining extra csf fluid. Shift change is happening and i’m pretty sure, very sure, I see a male nurse who has been very rough and touchy before with me and has done stuff. I have tried speaking up and telling someone but they say he’s fine to take care of me because he has no criminal records or warnings and other patients love him. and I don’t know what to fucking do. I am panicking. this is why I never speak up about stuff. I am so scared he’s going to try something. I am having flashbacks and panic attacks. they just keep trying to give me anti anxiety meds and now i’m just very tired and sleepy and dint want to stand up for myself and I am scared that if he tries something I will not be able to fend for myself or do anything because I am so doped on on meds that I can barely function or move. I don’t know what to do. I am so scared.

The more I panic the more meds I will get to make me sleepy and not want to move at all and be very out of it. He knows this is how it goes too. He knows if he keeps making appearances he can trigger panic attacks/flashbacks and knows it will cause me to max out on anti anxiety meds & make me not be able move or fight for myself so he can do whatever he wants to me. I don’t know wht to do and I am so scared. I already pretty much know it is going to happen and i am very very scared tgis is going to start happening again. All this stuff disappeared for awhile after the main guy was caught. if this stuff starts happening again I cant do it.

I am trying to hard to be a better person and be more involved. I try to take out a lot of time in my day to get to know you guys better. I have started rewrite and dwarf planet. I m very bad at reading, i dont even read my college assignments. so reading rewrute and dwarf planet is a pretty big deal and step. i havent really wanted to do anything to help my self harm and depression and anxiety but I’ve changed my mind and I have been trying tot ake steps to getting better, help, and support that i need. i think working my way back into the community is helping a lot.

I’m sorry this post was so long. A lot has happened and I havent posted since about 2 years ago. Thank you for your time and for reading this, if you got this far. i appreciate each and every one of you guys. any advice or words will help at this point. love you all, hold fast

2 Likes

@alilkatiekatt

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GaDSvzFZqoI

@alilkatiekatt I understand what you are going through. Do you have books or something you can listen to perhaps? These are all strategies that I have used in the past and they have been quite effective. Please keep us updated. Hold fast.

Hi @alilkatiekatt, I’m so sorry that this is happening. I cannot even begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now with all of this happening. I wish I had more insight to give to your situation, but I saw you and ninjaaa going back and forth on Discord and it seems like she may have some good information and suggestions for resources to help you out of this situation so please take her up on her offer to DM her on Discord. I wish you health and solace going forward, hold fast friend.