I have come a long way from where I used to be. I dropped out of high school because of depression, went through years of medication trials, self harm, hospitalizations, intensive therapy… I am now 27, have not self harmed in 5 years, and am doing well in college with one year left and an internship doing my dream job. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for this.
But, I took a break from therapy. I have an extensive history of trauma and still after so many years of sessions I can barely share some things out loud. It had been too exhausting going in and having everything on my mind but feeling paralyzed, and feeling completely disconnected from the world after I left. The weight I was carrying kept feeling heavier and heavier, it was making it harder to function and get out of my head, so I thought a break might help.
It has been almost a year and I have been doing “well” in the sense that I’m staying active, trying to take care of myself, and being recognized for my work. The thoughts/feelings have not been as intrusive as they were when I was in therapy, which has been nice. However, I feel so disconnected, feel little to no pleasure from things I know I like, and almost no reward from all the effort I put into things. It is exhausting to socialize and I’ve gotten to the point where I often just keep to myself around people because I don’t have the energy to be pleasant. I feel like I have to hide myself, and as a result my relationships with others are superficial and short lived.
I don’t know how to approach this. I was tired of feeling on the verge of a breakdown and telling my therapists this, only for them to tell me I am doing great and just keep going. I was tired of saying I’m stuck, I don’t know how to talk, only to be told I’ll figure it out. I have tried a good number of therapists and I don’t know if its that they aren’t well equipped for the type of issues I have, or if its just me. Obviously I need help, but I must be doing something wrong.
I never expected any of this to be easy but I feel so alone in it all.