From begus: I am short for my age and it seems that taller men seem to get all the women and all the attention even if they are just…meh…when it comes down to personality and being a person. Even teachers seem to gravitate towards them. I have seen those that say “it’s all about confidence and believing in yourself” they didn’t believe in themselves and they got all the attention simply because they are 6’2. When I talk to a person they treat me like a child. I wish they wouldn’t.
Hey begus. I’m sorry that you’ve been treated like a child, or as if the way you feel was not important. It can really take a toll on us to feel like we’re not the way we think we “should”, at least according to social standards. It’s as if no matter how much we try, some people would only be met to never fit in, never be happy, never have a “normal” life like it seems to happen around us.
Something that you’ve said in your post is that taller men *seem to get all the women and attention. “Seem” is a strong word there, but one that is truly essential. Because ultimately, these are only conclusions that can be developed based on observations, and not necessarily the reality of how people feel deep inside. Ultimately, when you see two people together, you don’t know at first glance why they chose each other. Why I mean by this, is that if you feel like your height is an issue, then you’re going to be more likely to project that issue onto others, and see them all better than you, and happier too. Which is something that we all do, honestly. We compare ourselves to others, based on what we feel or believe are our own defaults and imperfections.
It is true though, that in our society there are beauty standards that are shared and tend to influence people’s behaviors. Denying it would be hypocrite. But… none of this will ever say anything about you as a person, or make you doomed to never date or to never be happy. For one simple reason: attraction and beauty are so much more complex than one, unified standard.
Sometimes you’re going to see a person whom you perceive as beautiful, dating a person that you’d perceive as not, and wonder how they can be together. And that’s just because perception of beauty, just like building relationships, is something profoundly personal and intimate. On one hand, it’s scary, because it makes relationships very uncertain/confusing. But on the other hand, it also brings hope to everyone, that it’s not about having to be perfect. It’s only about being the one for the very person you love, and who develops feelings for you.
I’d like to encourage you, even just for today, to try to acknowledge all the times you compare yourself to others when you see them, and just notice how it influences how you feel, how you think about yourself. There is a hurtful narration there that doesn’t need to take space. You ARE good enough just as you are.
From Rohini_868: These men that you’re seeing? Are they all in your school? High school has like what, a thousand people? That’s a small sample of people in the whole world. There are literally billions of humans on this earth. You’re someone’s perfect match. School just holds a few people, and everyone there is going through theirnown worries, insecurities, issues too, no matter what their height or weight or popularity.
It seems like that one rejection is still playing heavy on your mind, and leading to you questioning your self. Talk to your parents or school counselor about talking to a therapist. There could be real relief in sharing these thoughts with a professional who you trust, and who can provide you some real skills in thinking more positively and kindly about yourself!
That’s actually not true and I’m sorry that you think because you are small that no girls will be interested in you. I’ve seen lots of “men” with taller girlfriends/spouses, so not all woman care about height. Yes, some do, but when you find the person who will love you, they aren’t going to care how tall you are.
You have a LOT of life ahead of you and you are going to meet a lot of new people at college (if you go), work and just out in the world. School right now is just a very small part of what you will experience in your lifetime.
There are still a lot more people for you to meet in your life.
From Manni XP: Begus, thanks again for continuing to share here. I want to address your post in two directions:
First: it can feel immensely frustrating to see others treated with more dignity but not understand why. You might be right that teachers look at the taller kids as “seeming more mature” because of their height. Some people do judge by appearance, and that sucks! That said, a dignified attitude in response may encourage more teachers to view you more positively. If you feel that a teacher has singled you out, then I encourage you to talk with your parents.
Second: in relationships (platonic or otherwise), people (of any gender) care about so much more than height. Take it from a person with a masculine build well under 6 feet!
I want to encourage you to consider that “women” are people, and while a lot of people of any gender can get persuaded by beauty standards, a lot of people have relatively unconventional preferences. Some don’t even consider appearance at all! I also want to again encourage you to seek more experience before seeking some types of relationships.
I would like to make it abundantly clear that women are as diverse as men, and you’re working with a very small sample of your local population. As Mystrose stated, you have a lot of people to meet.
In high school I was a 6’ tall athlete, but with cripplingly low self esteem. As far as I could tell I was a decent physical specimen, but girls didn’t give me a second look, so I figured there was something unattractive about me that I wasn’t seeing. Years later, I was catching up with a girl I went to high school with, and she said she remembered me for being really small in high school. That confused me, so I pointed out to her I was pretty big, and she said “That’s not what I meant.” My low self esteem was so evident that I looked like I was trying to shrink.
To that end, “those people” are right–self confidence is the most attractive trait. Being tall wasn’t enough to compensate for no self confidence, so to that end height is less important. That’s well and good, but the problem is HOW do you gain self confidence? What reason do you have to be confident when no one seems to believe in you? That’s a much harder question to answer. I wish I could snap my fingers and give you even just a little bit of self confidence, because confidence begets more confidence. I could give you all the canned answers you’ve heard a dozen times before, quit comparing yourself and practice affirmations, but again those are more effective with a little momentum behind them.
I’d suggest talking about it with a therapist. There is a core belief that’s holding you back, something deeply ingrained telling you you’re not good enough. This is important. It’s not just about getting girls, it will impact your whole life. I’ve only started uncovering my negative core beliefs in the last 6 months, and it’s heartbreaking to realize I went through all my teen and young adult life holding myself back because of beliefs I had that weren’t true. This is not as simple as me saying “Hey it doesn’t matter that you’re short, buck up,” you have some serious unlearning and relearning to do around who you are. You may think it’s not worth the time and say what’s the point, but if you were in front of me I’d be begging you to unlearn your negative core beliefs now and take back your best years.