I am so tired, I just want to rest

So, here’s my life story.

I grew up in a particular country, within a particular state, within a particular city in which my new school just happened to be a very toxic environment. Hanged out with the wrong kids sometimes, got int the wrong stuff, did a lot of very, very terrible, horrible mistakes.

Sometime later, met this wonderful girl, but we couldn’t be together for cultural reasons.

Moved out of the country to a “better country”. My eyes opened. I realized what a terrible person I had been, and how much I wanted to go back before I went to that school. Worked really hard to become the person I was, and better. I got into philosophy, and I got back to some older hobbies like illustration and literature. Long distance relationship with the girl (but not really, just kind of bff) struggled with anxiety and some episodic depression. Made amends, reconnected w friends. Got help. Got healthy. Got happy. Helped other people. Finally began to date my bff, who is the absolute love of my life (the girl). Life is good.

But not really.

Went back home. My mistakes haunt me. I am so afraid of the people that used to know me and that they may want to destroy my life with my mistakes. I am so, so anxious. Mild to severe insomnia. Left old life behind but it haunts me. It haunts me every second of every day.

I will most likely leave home again, but I cant shake the anxiety. Everything seems fine but I cant shake off the paranoia. I worked so hard to remake my life, and now I am so afraid it will be take from me because of the mistakes I did as a kid. I don’t want to loose my life, I don’t want to loose her.

Philosophy gives me some mental resilience, but I feel this city is killing me. It’s so sad, because it is home. But I am so tired of worrying. I am so, so mentally, physically tired. I am so tired, and I can’t rest.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just want to leave. I have escapist fantasies of leaving with her to a far away country. To a cabin maybe. Just me, nature, my books ¡, my girlfriend, a typewriter, and a jon bellion record.

But I cant run away. And it kills me to be so scared that I will loose everything.

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You know, when I was a teenager and young adult, I carried a lot of friends who I didn’t realize at the time, were not the best people to hang with. There was a lot of drama. And I also had a lot of things going on my life that lead to a lot of mistakes and poor choices. Some my fault, some not. But nonetheless I ended up in places and situations where people did not like me. My friends parents didn’t like me. I come from this small town where it feels like everyone knows you and your business, so once you make a mistakes it feels like it’s out in the open for people to judge forever.

YEARS later. 10-15 years later, I’m a completely different person and I still struggle with some people judging me and looking at me as I was when I was just a teenager and young adult. So like you, I have paranoia and stress to be in that place anymore because it feels like those that I know from there look down on me. I fear gossip and judgement and the lack of understanding. I fear people won’t see me for who I am but instead for silly mistakes that I can’t change.

I so understand so much of what you have expressed here.

And you know what? One of the hardest things I had to learn in life was to stop caring what other people think of me. To stop worrying what people who don’t matter think. And to focus on those who DO matter. It’s hard. Very hard. But as you learn to let go of what others think, you find a sense of peace that wasn’t there before.

Just keep being you. Keep working on the things you need to improve. Just be the best that you can be and thriving for your goals. And put your energy on those who lift you up and encourage you.

You are not alone my friend. I’ve been there. And it makes me sad that you have to also go through that.

We cannot change our past. We can only control the now. Forgive yourself of your past. Live in your now. Focus on what makes you happy.

Much love to you!

  • Kitty

Thank you, so, so, so much.

“I come from this small town where it feels like everyone knows you and your business”

Just, thank you so much for answering. I hope your day goes well. I really, truly do.

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No problem friend.
You are cared for.