So, here’s my life story.
I grew up in a particular country, within a particular state, within a particular city in which my new school just happened to be a very toxic environment. Hanged out with the wrong kids sometimes, got int the wrong stuff, did a lot of very, very terrible, horrible mistakes.
Sometime later, met this wonderful girl, but we couldn’t be together for cultural reasons.
Moved out of the country to a “better country”. My eyes opened. I realized what a terrible person I had been, and how much I wanted to go back before I went to that school. Worked really hard to become the person I was, and better. I got into philosophy, and I got back to some older hobbies like illustration and literature. Long distance relationship with the girl (but not really, just kind of bff) struggled with anxiety and some episodic depression. Made amends, reconnected w friends. Got help. Got healthy. Got happy. Helped other people. Finally began to date my bff, who is the absolute love of my life (the girl). Life is good.
But not really.
Went back home. My mistakes haunt me. I am so afraid of the people that used to know me and that they may want to destroy my life with my mistakes. I am so, so anxious. Mild to severe insomnia. Left old life behind but it haunts me. It haunts me every second of every day.
I will most likely leave home again, but I cant shake the anxiety. Everything seems fine but I cant shake off the paranoia. I worked so hard to remake my life, and now I am so afraid it will be take from me because of the mistakes I did as a kid. I don’t want to loose my life, I don’t want to loose her.
Philosophy gives me some mental resilience, but I feel this city is killing me. It’s so sad, because it is home. But I am so tired of worrying. I am so, so mentally, physically tired. I am so tired, and I can’t rest.
I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just want to leave. I have escapist fantasies of leaving with her to a far away country. To a cabin maybe. Just me, nature, my books ¡, my girlfriend, a typewriter, and a jon bellion record.
But I cant run away. And it kills me to be so scared that I will loose everything.