Hey @fiji,
You don’t have to say sorry. It’s wonderful if you want to give some support here and it’s very kind of you. But right now you need to take care of yourself and that’s absolutely okay. Giving support is not something that has to become a burden for you or for anyone else. You have to stay safe if you do it. So your priority must be yourself, your well-being and your health.
Also, if you’re good at hiding your feelings, then I’m grateful you accept to share your vulnerabilities here. To know there’s still this community here for you when you need it. 
If your friend asked you this, maybe it means they’re worried about you. Maybe they want to help you or to know how they could support you. I know you don’t want to share your struggles with them, as you said in an other post, you don’t want them to be worried. But truth is you can’t help them to be worried. It would be their reaction, not yours. Worrying for someone we care about is only a manifestation of love. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.
And what if, in fact, sharing how you really feel would be a way to reassure them? To give them the keys they need to give you some support? And for you, to feel less alone. Because how you’re feeling is important, and maybe what your friend want is to have the possibility to be the friend you need, especially when you’re struggling with dark thoughts. You’re free to give some help to others whenever you want. But you also have the right to be helped, including by your friends. And I think you’re already able to put things into words. You just did it here.
I’m sorry you had these thoughts last night. I really hope the next one will allow you to get some rest. Nights can be really triggering, especially in winter and during weekends. But in the end, do you know what remains important and incredibly powerful? The fact that you’re still here. That you can still see the sky in the morning and feel the wind on your skin. And you wrote this post, you keep coming here. This is powerful. You’re a human being, you’ve got breath in your lungs. This is powerful. You are not out of your own life, even if you don’t feel like this right now. This feeling will pass. Things will get better. But you don’t have to go through this alone.
I already mentionned it, but I read your different posts and I see you. If you were gone, would it make a difference? Yes. I would be aware of it. I would ask myself if things are getting better for you or not. I would send a message here on this topic to get some news from you. I would be worried, but not in a wrong way. Only because you matter and because, here, we care about you. You have worth and value. And you are not alone.
You said the other day that you’re working on your self love. Hang on to this. Keep going on. If nights are getting hard for you, surround yourself with every healthy things that makes you feel safe or help you to distract yourself during these moments. Try to reach out to someone you trust. You have the right to do it.
You don’t belong to the night or darkness. You belong to light and wellness. You described yourself before as an “ex addict//mental wreck/emotional mess”, but you are so much more than this. You are not defined by this moment you’re experiencing. And when I read “ex addict”, I can only recognize your own strengths. It’s admirable and respectable. Nothing else.
Sending much love your way. 
