(Forgive me, this post will be all over the place and I feel it won’t make sense since these are my thoughts.)
Everyone says things will get better, but I am suffering more than ever. Nothing is changing.
Sure, once in a while I have a decent/ok day, but that does not outweigh how many days I am suffering. I want to relapse. I want to feel something again. I want to feel anything, even if it is pain because that’s all I have ever known for the past years now. I want to get better, I want to stop suffering, but I can’t. It seems impossible since I have someone who is not allowing me to. (I do not hold them responsible for the way I feel but they are surely making it worse for me.) My mind just goes back to the thought of relapsing, it says “i want to relapse” on repeat.
I do not wish to waste anyone’s time anymore with my issues… that’s if there is anyone even reading this.
I hear you. And your no a waste of anyone’s time. I understand the power of addiction and how it can weigh you down. I have similar thoughts. I try to tell myself that if I think I feel bad now, imagining how I’ll feel after a relapse would make me feel worse. It will just take you to an even darker place, and you don’t want to do that. Each day seems like such a struggle and trust me it will get easier. Try to think of the things your great full for and have hope for better days. Know that you always have friends hear that will listen to whatever you have to say. We love you and encourage you through your struggles.
thank you so much for these kind words. i struggle with drugs and alcohol, i don’t know what you struggle with, but hey! I got you! i understand you too. i am also here for you.
You don’t waste the time of anyone. This place is exactly here to share about what’s going on. Thank you for finding the strength to share all of this. It means a lot.
I relate to this urge to relapse, from different experiences though. But this strong need to actually feel something is certainly what led me to some dark paths before and unhealthy ways to cope. It’s hard to be in this “middle”, in this discomfort. It’s like having two voices in your head at the same time, having opposite opinions about something that happen to be very strong. And somehow, they’re both right: yes, how you feel is valid, real. And yes, you deserve to feel better. But there’s also an other truth in all of this: no, relapse is not a valid option. And you know it. Not as something you would have read somewhere. Not as something that someone would have told you one day. But as something you already experienced before, with your own body and soul. You know relief is temporary. You know it’s not worth it - even if your mind is really really strong at trying to convince you that it is worth it. It’s not. Relapse is not a solution.
Keep resisting, friend. You’ve been feeling a lot of pain, but life is not only about suffering. There is more to see, to feel, to experience, more positive things that are not in any drug or alcohol bottle.
I believe in you. You can go through this. You will tame this voice saying “I want to relapse” on repeat mode. Because you don’t want to relapse. You want to feel better. And there are many healthier ways to access to this.
We love you here. We care about you. And we’ll keep encouraging you along this journey.
Hang in there, friend. You’re strong.
Feel free to vent, as much as you need, if you think that it can help a little. There won’t be any judgment here.
