I am the worst of the worst of the worst :(

[lilianisshit]

Well , here is the thing - I hate mysef the most of all people I know. I can’t find anything that I like about myself. Yes, I am seeing a therapist right now. Have seen her for about 3 years now. I have dealt with my mental health since I was 13 years old. I am 17 right now. At first I got diagnosed with anorexia, but I wasn’t even underweight, which bugs me still because it is like not being sick enough, though I still had to gain some weight. After starting recovery I also got diagnosed with depression and body-dysmorphia, I am also dealing with perfectionism. I have been on fluoxatine antidepressants for about 6 months now. I also gained weight, like a LOT. Now I am not skinny anymore, which makes me lose my mind, cause I almost miss anorexia, cause I think I deserve it. I am not just saying that “I’m not skinny”, but I have asked my reliable friends about it and they very respectfully and cautiously confirmed it. I am also scared to lose weight, cause I haven’t had my period yet. Like EVER. And I’m 17. I don’t want to ruin everything, but I also don’t want to have THAT F LOW SELF ESTEEM as I do right now.

I have tried absolutely everything: self-help books, meditation, yoga, dancing, journaling, eating whole foods, creating a routine for sleeping and eating etc, surrounding myself with positive people, starting new hobbies, running, positive affirmations, manifesting, listening to uplifting music and podcasts, learning more, reading, watching inspiring movies, cooking more, small acts of kindness, acts of courage, being always nice to everyone, YOU F NAME IT. I feel like I truly have the base. Or not. Maybe they are just made-up strategies to deal with mental health. But I still feel worthless and empty.

Yes I do have problems with my family, but I really can’t do anything about it, believe me, I have tried, LIKE A 1000 TIMES. And I even sometimes try building a mental bubble around me, but it cracks as soon as they say something.

Also I have never experienced ANYTHING romantic before: a boy hasn’t kissed me (I’m straight), I haven’t held hands, haven’t had a date, haven’t been in a relationship etc. In my 17 years of living only ONE GUY has EVER said that they like me. That makes me feel EVEN MORE worthless. I can’t love myself, therefore how could anyone ever love me? Once I approached to a guy, but they didn’t like me. I have had maaaaaaaany crushes. Anyway, by the statistics I’m completely unlovable I have never been anybody’s nr. 1.

I don’t understand why am I even whining? I have everything I need for life: food, water, education, a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, families (divorced parents), a DOG, lovely friends, a life…

Wow
What have I become?

Oh, I have had compulsive suicidal thoughts for 3 months straight which is why i have cut myself as well. And that was the story about me ruining everything, absolutely everything, and wanting to die more than anything in the world.

[leonafan000]

You don’t sound unlovable at aaaaaaaaaal to me.

[lilianisshit]

That’s nice of you but I’ll never believe it :,)

[leonafan000]

I know. I just really don;t think you sound unlovable.

The thing is, you aren’t worthless. You are a good person. the only worthless people are the ones who only care about themselves and no one else, and would sacrifice others to make them great.
You obviously aren’t one of those people.

I also think that you might not should try other people’s strategies of dealing with mental health and do something more like something that isn’t exactly a strategy…

Also, I undertand missing being , um. skinny like that… because… I was at first and now I’m not

Also, some people don’t get into romantic relationships until they are in their thirties, so I don;t think is because you are unlovable it is probably just because no one has liked you like that YET.
And I’m really sorry that most of the things I am thinking, I can not explain them. They are unexplainable things. I wish I could show you what I was really thinking instead of what i typed.
What I mean is more complicated and deep than what i say.

[lilianisshit]

thank you! That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said/done for me

[Micro]

Hey Lilian,

Thank you so much for being here. You’ve been very strong by sharing all of this and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. As for us here, it’s an honor to learn to know you a little more. Again - thank you.

For what it’s worth, I’ve struggled with anorexia as well in the past. Then it became a mix of anorexia, bulimia, and in the long run binge-eating. My weight has been all over the place for years. When you say that your weight at the time of your first diagnosis made you feel like a fraud - I totally understand and hear you on this matter. Though you never have to reach a certain weight to struggle with eating disorders. The common representation we have about anorexia is being skinny in a very unhealthy and dangerous way. But anorexia is about what happens in your mind, first and foremost, and not the shape of your body. It’s a system, a vicious cycle and that is what was taken in account when you were diagnosed. Your weight is eventually a result, a symptom, and something to take care of when a medical intervention is needed. But your weight never invalidated the reality of your struggles. Feeling like a fraud is part of denial, and it’s really good that you’re aware of that right now.

I also hear you for this desire to get back to your old patterns. That somehow you miss being anorexic. I also miss that sometimes. I look at old photos of myself and keep believing that it was a “better” time, that I should stop being kind to myself and be more disciplined again. It feels like this rigidity is what I deserve. But when we long for those times, we only see half of the picture. We ignore, consciously or not, all the pain and tears that eating disorders create. All the time wasted for being obsessed about calories, food, constantly checking our own body, constantly feeling like we are not enough and we don’t belong anywhere.

You know it wasn’t a better time, that being skinny can’t be a life purpose and the way your body looks like doesn’t define your worth. You know deep inside that being less physically won’t make you more [insert the word you want here]. It’s more complex. We are more complex. And when we put all of our expectations, worth and life goals in our weight and appearance, the only result is to lose focus on what really needs to be addressed.

It makes sense to feel lost though, to have this desire to run away and get back to what gave you a sense of safety. To feel like it would be better to get back to your old patterns. Right now, it’s like you’ve lost your way to cope and you can only sit with your own discomfort. It’s difficult, sometimes even very painful, but it’s also how you grow stronger. It’s how you make good decisions for yourself. Because you don’t deserve any harm. You don’t deserve to be stuck in a rut in which you would define yourself through your physical appearance. You are so, so much more. There is so much beauty within you that still needs to be revealed, both to this world and to yourself.

Self-love is a long and weird journey. But you have the assurance that, by taking care of yourself and making sure that you don’t cope with unhealthy things, you pave the road for a better future. You make sure that love, compassion, patience and grace await you. That is a HUGE progress, friend. All of the things you’re trying, all the self-care you’ve been practicing, the fact that you see a therapist as well - be PROUD of it, be proud of yourself, because it is beautiful. Even if, right now, it’s hard for you to see the point of all of this.

Changes can be very progressive, very long to witness. Yet you are not the person you were yesterday. Please just keep in mind that experiencing burn-out during recovery is also very real. Sometimes we are focused on so many things at the same time in order to feel better that it gets overwhelming and exhausting. If you feel this lately - less patience, more irritability, more frustration - please never hesitate to talk about it to your therapist, so maybe you could make some adjustments together. If you need to slow down a little, it’s okay too. What matters is to make sure that you set the good conditions for not giving up on yourself.

You are worth the efforts it takes to feel better. You are worth all the good things you’ve been doing to take care of yourself. Somehow you knew that the first time you reached out and received the help you needed. This truth was real years ago, and it’s very real today. It didn’t change.

Maybe now is a time for feeling lost. Those awful moments during a recovery when we question everything and we don’t know where we’re heading anymore. But I want to assure you today: you will be okay. I see your efforts. It’s not wasted, friend. You’re on the right path. Keep doing what is good for you. Keep reaching out. Make sure you stay safe when those suicidal thoughts arise. There is nothing to be ashamed of. How you feel is valid.

[Pengyou]

You have families, friends, and even a dog that care about you, and they will suffer if you die. You are loved. Think about them and how they care about you. It will only cause them pain if you die. So please, don’t go through with it.

[Hannah2911]

Hey @lilianisshit

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing this here. It takes a lot of courage to do this and it does not go unnoticed!

It sounds like you are carrying a lot right now and I can see it has been very overwhelming. Like Micro said, you never have to reach a certain weight to struggle with an eating disorder. It truly is a mental illness with physical symptoms. Your experience with anorexia regardless of your weight is valid and is not to be minimized. I frequently have to remind myself of that. So I understand that battle and know that you are not alone in that.

Perfectionism is so hard to battle and it tends to play a big role in the presence of eating disorders. Know that regardless of the number on the scale, your health is what is most important. Seeking recovery from an eating disorder and getting support for depression takes an incredible amount of strength and courage. You did that!! You do not deserve the misery that is anorexia. Recovery and healing are not always linear so it is okay to be feeling what you are feeing. Some days we feel like we are making progress and other days we feel like we’ve taken 5 steps backwards. You figure the hurt we acquire over the years doesn’t happen right away, so in the same way healing will also take time and that is okay! I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself through this process and know that you are still fighting. You are processing and pushing through!

Also, just because those things you have tried haven’t always been consistently helpful, it does not mean you are worthless. I know not seeing results by doing things that are supposed to provide relief can leave you feeling empty but because the process of healing isn’t linear and will take time, I believe it is important that we keep at it… Keep trying what you had listed but do so in a way that allows you to try them and not pass judgement on yourself if they do not produce the results you hope.

Know that although you may have never been in a relationship or felt that kind of connection with a guy, that does not by any means make you worthless. I am a firm believer in things falling into place as they should at the right time. Maybe taking care of yourself and making yourself #1 to you is what is supposed to be happening right now. You are truly not unlovable and I hope you know you have an entire community that loves you as well!

What you are feeling is perfectly okay. Just because you have everything you need for life does not make your struggles any less valid or less important. I’ve not considered one word of what you’ve shared here to be whining. You are sharing some tough things you’ve been struggling with and that is so important!

It sounds like everything has really started to take its toll on you leading to the compulsive suicidal thoughts for the past few months. I would encourage you to continue speaking with your therapist about the thoughts you have been having and know that we are also here for you. We truly do believe in you and care for you. You have value and worth just by being your wonderful self! You are worthy of life my friend.

Hold Fast,
Hannah Rhodes

[lilianisshit]

Wow! Thank you so much for those words. I haven’t been proud of myself for so long, and your reminder of that made me think a lot. I actually feel a little better. <3

[lilianisshit]

Yeah. That used to be the only thing stopping me: that my death would be more of a burden for them than just me living. They’d have to pay for the funeral, explain things to others, be looked down upon and my little half-siblings would have had a “not so nice thing” happened to them in their childhood.

[lilianisshit]

Thank you for the encouragement and emotional support. That, as a matter of fact, is one of my compulsive thoughts: if I don’t even love/trust/care for myself then how could anyone do that for me. But that is actually true, I think you’re right. Thank you for valuing me :,) haven’t really felt valued for a long time.

[Hannah2911]

Truly my pleasure! You are so very loved my friend. I’m thinking of you! <3