Well , here is the thing - I hate mysef the most of all people I know. I can’t find anything that I like about myself. Yes, I am seeing a therapist right now. Have seen her for about 3 years now. I have dealt with my mental health since I was 13 years old. I am 17 right now. At first I got diagnosed with anorexia, but I wasn’t even underweight, which bugs me still because it is like not being sick enough, though I still had to gain some weight. After starting recovery I also got diagnosed with depression and body-dysmorphia, I am also dealing with perfectionism. I have been on fluoxatine antidepressants for about 6 months now. I also gained weight, like a LOT. Now I am not skinny anymore, which makes me lose my mind, cause I almost miss anorexia, cause I think I deserve it. I am not just saying that “I’m not skinny”, but I have asked my reliable friends about it and they very respectfully and cautiously confirmed it. I am also scared to lose weight, cause I haven’t had my period yet. Like EVER. And I’m 17. I don’t want to ruin everything, but I also don’t want to have THAT F LOW SELF ESTEEM as I do right now.
I have tried absolutely everything: self-help books, meditation, yoga, dancing, journaling, eating whole foods, creating a routine for sleeping and eating etc, surrounding myself with positive people, starting new hobbies, running, positive affirmations, manifesting, listening to uplifting music and podcasts, learning more, reading, watching inspiring movies, cooking more, small acts of kindness, acts of courage, being always nice to everyone, YOU F NAME IT. I feel like I truly have the base. Or not. Maybe they are just made-up strategies to deal with mental health. But I still feel worthless and empty.
Yes I do have problems with my family, but I really can’t do anything about it, believe me, I have tried, LIKE A 1000 TIMES. And I even sometimes try building a mental bubble around me, but it cracks as soon as they say something.
Also I have never experienced ANYTHING romantic before: a boy hasn’t kissed me (I’m straight), I haven’t held hands, haven’t had a date, haven’t been in a relationship etc. In my 17 years of living only ONE GUY has EVER said that they like me. That makes me feel EVEN MORE worthless. I can’t love myself, therefore how could anyone ever love me? Once I approached to a guy, but they didn’t like me. I have had maaaaaaaany crushes. Anyway, by the statistics I’m completely unlovable I have never been anybody’s nr. 1.
I don’t understand why am I even whining? I have everything I need for life: food, water, education, a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, families (divorced parents), a DOG, lovely friends, a life…
What have I become?
Oh, I have had compulsive suicidal thoughts for 3 months straight which is why i have cut myself as well. And that was the story about me ruining everything, absolutely everything, and wanting to die more than anything in the world.