A lot of you may know me as someone who helps others. Who spends a lot of my time in and on the forum, on twitter, in discord and on my own stream talking to everyone about what is going on in their lives.
Recently, I have been feeling a lot of comparative feelings.
My community size on twitch is shrink like a grape in the sun, chats are getting slower and slower and people are caring less and less about what my community specifically does.
There is always a new thread on twitter every week about how to talk about mental health right, about how it is dangerous to do it at all on twitch, about how someone is going to get hurt.
I think I am just tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting the good fight.
I wanted to be the person who was always there for others. Who helped them the way I WISH I was helped when I was 16 and struggling.
But I didnt realize I was siphoning parts of myself with every forum response. With every viewer who only pops in to vent their issues before vanishing for months at a time. With every DM asking for advice.
I never knew how much of my soul I had to give up to do this.
And now I am bitter. I feel the world has passed me by no matter how noble or good my cause was.
I feel like life is regressing all around me.
Ill admit, I have missed the mark in some of my attempted initiatives on Twitch to help with Mental Health.
Had I known that it would result in mass abandonment…I would’ve reeled back I suppose.
Hindsight is 2020
It is World Mental Health Day, and honestly - I cannot help. Not today.
I gave the HS text line to my community for usage, and nobody used it.
It is becoming so easy to feel that I am done with this.
The biggest issue with it all is that Mental Health conversation for me hits so close to home that rejection of my initiatives feels like rejection of me, who I am and what I stand for.
Or perhaps stood for.
I am so tired.
This post probably sounds a bit privileged. It definitely is.
But between the suicidal thoughts, I dont feel like I am helping anymore.
I am putting in so much more effort than I think I am getting back and while that isn’t fair to expect of the world - I think I have to pull my effort back before I am expended entirely.
Hold Fast Everyone