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I am tired of living


#1

I’ve been stuck in a pretty dark place for a few months now. My best friend has been here for me and talking me out a few times. But I dont want to keep putting all my problems on him. In my mind it all feels like way too much but then I tell him and it just seems stupid. Hes really good about it. I tell him I feel like it’s stupid and dumb and he tells me it’s not. But, I feel like it is. I will be ok but later on I start listening to the voice in the back of my head and it gets worse and worse. Mg mind is just a mess. I’m so stressed out about every little thing. And nothing anyone says seems to help. It just seems to make it all worse. I’m not suicidal but I just dont want to be alive anymore if that makes sense. Like if i died I’d be ok with that. My dad died a year ago in September and most of the time I wish i could switch places with him. I know my fx family loves me but I just feel so distant from them. I feel like they dont care. Like no one notices that I’m not ok. Yhat I’m just really good at hiding that i am dying inside. I’ve been so triggered to cut. I started bruising myself by pinching again. I havent self harmed since 2014… but I relapsed and I’m so ashamed of myself. But if feels like when everything seems to be wrong I feel i have to do it. I’m just tired. I’m tired of battling myself. I’m tired of trying to explain to my husband how I feel and tired of being angry when he tries to understand but it’s not even remotely close to what I feel. I’m tired of being so stressed that I cant sleep. Tired of being me. Tired of constantly chasing people out of my life with how I am. I’m tired of living…


#2

Firstly thank you for sharing your story. I’m so terribly sorry for what you’ve been through. Everyone deals with depression and loss in their own way. Isolating is not the best course of action but I understand that because I do the same thing. Your friend is being very supportive and that’s great that you have someone like that but if you feel like you are burdening him try talking to other friends, family, or even a counselor so long as they are supportive. As they can’t help if you don’t ask. You’ve already taken such a huge step asking people on here for support. For self harm, relapsing happens. But it doesn’t mean defeat. I know what helped me is anytime i wanted to harm i drew on myself with a marker until all the bad juju went away. We are here for you here. I know its rough, but you have a deep strength, even if you don’t feel it. We love you and are here for you whenever you are low. I for one am glad you’re still alive. Hold fast.


#3

Yeah man…it’s like, everything feels so exhausting…to feel like you’re a constant burden on your friend, a constant confusion to your husband, like you’re a mess when it just comes to regular life stuff and like life itself is a burden to you, like you have a harder and harder time pretending that everything’s okay when it’s getting so hard to handle on your own…you miss your dad and the pain he causes, your friend group seems to buy into the mask that you put up, and you don’t blame them because you put on a good face, but still you wish they’d see through you…you’re exhausted…you just lost one of the “pillars of pride” you had with the self-harm relapse and you just want to spiral back into it because it at least makes you feel better in the moment…but then makes you feel so shitty about yourself later, and yet you still want to and can’t make sense of it…all the thoughts in your head are getting louder and louder, and you feel like no one really gets it…you’re so overwhelmed by all of this – all of the pieces and how, when they come together, make such a shitty day to day existence – and you don’t want to end your own life…you still want life to work out and have hope that it will…but you are tired of fighting the current…you’ve been doing it for so long, and you’re just ready to let go of the fight and let the current take you wherever it will…you don’t want that to be the case, but you don’t have much left in you…what you really want is to be rescued and placed into calmer waters of life…where the water is still or the current is at YOUR back instead of fighting you every moment of your life.


#4

Don’t give up I know what it’s like to give up and I’m paying for it right now please stay strong and my messages are always open for you


#5

Hey friend,

I know how you feel. The feeling of wanting to die, or in the very least disappear. I’ve been there at several points of my life. I just want you to know that you are a strong and awesome person for coming to the support wall and sharing your feeling here.


#6

@blackhorizon ,
Hey there, you are not alone. your family loves you . i know it may be hard to let them know how you are feeling. You have a purpose and your purpose is to be alive. We want you alive. Just know no matter what, you are worth it. By the way, your parents do care about you. they may not notice that your not okay, but you can tell them how you feel. just know we love you and we will be here for u.
-ashley


#7

I’ve had death around me forever, both in civilian and military life. There were deaths I grieved but a moment, and others I still carry with me daily. Neither timeframe is incorrect. I have fought survivors guilt, and guilt for feeling i was too apathetic. As if I didnt care or grieve properly.

The big thing to remember, is we live two lives. The one we live ourselves, and the one we live through everyone we ever touch. As such, when someone we care about passes away, we carry a part of them with us forever. By proxy, we carry those who mattered to us towards immortality, with every day we drive forward in the dark new chapter without them, and we can use them as a light within us.


#8

Holy crap. I deal with pretty heavy suicidal thoughts everyday and I have this same thing. I have this argument with the people of my support circle pretty much everyday. It’s not “abnormal” to feel this way, please know that

I had this very conversation on tuesday night with one of the most important people to me, who I love more than anything and it wasn’t until he told me how much it hurts him when I believe those lies over his truths. Sure, he’d told me this countless times over chat, but hearing the emotion in his voice made all the difference to me. PLEASE, keep talking to the people who love you and let them be honest, because it’s that honesty that has helped me to start fighting the voices in my head even a little bit, and I’m 22 who’s had those voices for my entire life from myself AND my parents.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#9

@blackhorizon Hey friend, here is our video response from our live stream:


#10

My messages are always open to you as well. Thank you :heart:


#11

This is exactly something I needed. :heart: thank you so much.


#12

Hey BlackHorizon

First off, im glad youre with us. Im glad youre alive.

I was in your shoes once. I didnt want to die but I wanted to stop suffering. Here is what the community and I have to say.

We love you


#13

Hello friend, thanks for reaching out.

It’s exhausting when you feel like a burden for everyone, everything’s a mess both at home and work, and you have to handle all of this by yourself…just remember you’re never alone. Your best friend is there for you,your family is there for you, even if they look so distant. Sometimes the distance we feel is only fictional: it’s one of the bad things of depression. Just try to reach out to them and they’ll listen, believe me. I’ve been stuck in the same feeling for a while and I remember that reaching out was the key to get out.

We’re here for you when you need it

Pioggia :sunflower: