I don’t want to die. But my brain makes me think that I have to.
I feel suicidal, but I don’t want to commit suicide.
I am suicidal, but I am scared of dying.
What if I die, and get stuck. What if I have to use the rest of eternity watching people I urge to love, but never feel like I dare to, because I am scared they will turn on me? What if I have to see the realization that the thoughts I thought were a lie, actually is reality.
What if I die, and I have to feel this pain forever?
After 4 years I self harmed again. It scares me, because the only thing which kept me away from it was knowing that people had said they would leave me if I continued. Does that mean that I deep inside don’t care anymore? Does it mean the things I could hold on to, just isn’t it anymore?
Having gone through these feelings before, almost makes it worse to feel again. It is a place I don’t want to relive. To be honest i am not sure if i even could. I have so much good around me, maybe even more to lose, is this what triggers me? - and if, what shows that I can continue the path I am on now?
I am not fighting the world anymore, I am fighting myself. The one who understands and accepts that it is ok to be sad or feel like this and it is possible to get through, against the one who wants me to think that it is not.
I think I know what most people will respond to this. I know what I would respond to others who feel like this. Unfortunately it is easier to help others rather than yourself.
I hope sharing these thoughts and questions I walk around with right now, will help me get through it.
Welcome to HeartSupport!! You are loved here and we value your story.
I know what it is like to relapse after four years of not cutting. I literally did that last year. But I learned a lot since then. First of all, when I cut again, people told me that relapse is part of recovery. I never knew what that meant, but then as I went to counseling, I realized that people make mistakes. No one is perfect and life has so many ups and downs. When we are in recovery, we are very much fighting ourselves like you mentioned, but we are also human, which means we are not perfect. When you relapse, you do not go back to square one. You have probably grown as a person and learned a lot more about yourself in the past four years. So, now it sucks that you relapsed, but you can pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You can keep moving forward. You are learning and you are growing. Don’t beat yourself up over this mistake. It happens and the progress you have made is no less valuable or valid.
Please keep fighting. Keep moving forward. Your life matters and you are loved more than you know. You deserve peace and healing.
It is quite true that it is easier to help others than to help oneself. So then it makes too much of perfect sense to reach out. I don’t know how to help you, and the whole thing about being surrounded by so much more good, which means it would be more to lose… That is too sensical. I have not met people who think things that make as much sense as what you think very often.
…I have a weird feeling I dreamed this before…***
All I can describe is a feeling, like evening air, but cold. There is one small ray of warmth within it.
The music gets riser and softer.
It is always okay to be sad and the people who think that’s a lie and that people’s feelings are not valid are scumbags. Also, I am scared now.
I don’t know which unnamed feelings you have right now, so I can’t help you that well, but one thing I can tell you is that you should pay attention to the feelings that have no names. Some of them are emotions but some of them are not exactly emotions. An example is a thing that happens. Once a year, I get a weird sensation that somebody is at the door, and I kythe with people.
There is a thing about that that presence feeling at the door…
maybe you understand it…
This sounds too painful…
What you are going through I cannot completely understand, because no one knows, ever, exactly every detail of what someone else is going through. i don’t even know if it feels like you are going Through something. i was thinking it probably felt like a different preprosition in the context. Does that make sense?
I feel like I need to help you…
I don;t want to fail…
Just so you know, it would be better for you to live and have the feelings than for you to die and then…
I’m scared…
But It is okay that I am scared. It is okay for anyone to be having the feelings that they are having. I feel like I need to help you.
What Sarah said is too true.