Hi PaleCrestedWolf, thank you for sharing your situation here with us.
There are many things mentioned in your post so I’ll try to answer in different parts.
Now, I am not so far gone as to say i’m suicidal, because I know that my own demise will serve no good. But I am gone far enough to feel that I myself am not one with humanity as a whole.
First of all, I have to agree with your first sentence: your own demise will serve no good. You’re absolutely right about this and I’m glad you’re aware of it because it’s absolutely true. Also, being aware of this is an important strenght you have, never forget that. Maybe there was a time in your life you weren’t able to realize it yet and, if so, you made an important path to get here.
Also, I can relate to your second sentence. It’s like a “being nowhere” situation, in the middle of two different poles, in a place that is difficult to describe as it can seem unformed, without tangible limits. I’m sorry you don’t feel, for now, this “life spark” in your own soul. The positive thing is that it gets back, with a lot of patience. It’s my own guessing, but I think this situation you’re experiencing is shared by most of the persons who fight depression. It is a state that deeply affects your emotions, your desires, your tastes in general and, sometimes, everything seems to be on “pause mode”.
I’m a quirky fella, you see, like many, I come from a broken home. I’ve seen trauma, and i’ve experienced trauma. And like many yet still, I kept it tucked away. Growing up, I was the weird one, the bullied, the rejected, the anguished and alone. And for the most part, I still feel as though that’s still the case.
I’m sorry to read that you saw and experienced trauma. It shouldn’t happen to anyone but, sadly, traumatic situations impact the lives of most people in this world. I don’t know what happened in your life in details but you were brave enough to go through all of this, despite everything, and it’s not nothing. Also, you’re not a weirdo but it’s normal to feel this way when you were bullied/rejected by others. The fact is it’s impossible to determine what normality is. There are social standards, but even them always change with time. So, please, let just this feeling of being the weird one go away. We’re all weird in our own ways. We all have obsessions, difficulties, fears, disabilities. This feeling will go away with time, so don’t put too much importance on it if it’s the case. The people who made you feel this way in the past were wrong to do that. And when you feel or think this way, it’s a way your mind is using to tell you something more like: “I’ve been hurt by others and I’ve been in pain because of this” (our minds are really bad at communication sometimes!).
I am in a committed relationship, and I love her very much, but we fight a lot and to some degree I feel as though i’m the common instigator. Now these fights aren’t over anything substantial for the most part, there’s the odd moral qualm here or there, but these days it’s seemingly based out of communication error.
I don’t know if it would be helpful but when I was severly depressed I couldn’t help but feeling angry many times, and always for stupid things. My boyfriend endured all of my humors, and I always started fights when I was upset by random things. Most of the time, I wasn’t even able to know why I acted like this. And I always ended feeling bad and guilty about it. It’s something I couldn’t control during this time. It took me a long time (really long time) to understand why I was like this. As for you, I came from a broken home and experienced trauma several times in my life and in my early childhood. As for you, I gave a lot to others and it’s something I really like to do. It gives me purpose. But when I finally accepted that I was depressed and needed time for myself, I really didn’t know how to deal with it. I felt selfish to take a year off from studies while my boyfriend was working, to do almost nothing everyday. Before this, it also took me several years to admit I had depression. The idea already came to my mind but I still continued to live and help others, using the rope to the end. So when I had to, I wasn’t really used to take time for myself and, in fact, I realized I didn’t know myself at all. Day by day, I discovered so much pain in my own soul, I wasn’t aware of it before, and didn’t know how to express it. Most of the times, it was either by crying or by anger. I couldn’t control my emotions while I wanted to do so much. Now I’m much better, still in pain sometimes but it’s absolutely not the same. I work as a social worker and I know I wouldn’t be able to do this activity today if I didn’t came through all of this. It was necessary to do what I love, a work in a “care” field. Because when you give too much without taking care of yourself first (which is absolutely not selfishness), you just burn slowly from the inside and you may do more harm than good to the others.
The reason why I write this is because when I read your post it really reminded myself a few years ago. This kind of ambivalent situation, between guilt and impatience. I hope it’s not off topic, just to let you know that you are not alone.
I’m in therapy, but i’m Unsure how therapy will help me get better. I feel like my significant other is with me based out of the situation, and not out of genuine care or concern. She doesn’t seem to understand that I am in fact fucked up, and that i’m Trying to be better. She tells me i’m Constantly looking for a fight, but, never once has that ever been my intention or case. I love her too much for that, and even when we argue I never get angry. I’m just sad, and heartbroken that I have to fight for myself, alone. Humans are social creatures, we form bonds with our peers and we can in theory rely on one another, but where has any of that come into play or existence with me? I feel as though I was not meant for this life, like in some cosmic assignment, my spot was switched, and now I must endure this world.
Have you ever tried to talk to her? I mean, to let her know about your inner vulnerabilities. I know it can be really stressful but it may be a way for her to understand why you are acting like this. When I read those lines, I thought you really need to let her understand. She needs clues, because you’re in a deep situation and it will be better for you as for her if she could be part of it, in the limits you want to establish. It may sound silly but whith my boyfriend, I had to take regular times, even sometimes just a few minutes, to say how I was feeling so he would able to understand my reactions during the day. It doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, but it’s the only way to give the other the freedom to react/behave how he want and how he can.
Also, don’t hesitate to talk about this with your therapist. I don’t know if you just started therapy, but you can use the safety of it to talk about this kind of situation and feelings you’re experiencing. He/she would be able to give you some clues of interpretation about it.
How can I get better, or beat my mentality? Where is my relief from this? Have I not earned the right to a degree of peace with both myself and the world around me?
You definitely have this right. You always had it and it’s not something you had to earn. And I’m sorry you’re situation is not more peaceful right now. You deserve peace in your life now. You’re in the most thankless part of depression, when you’re swimming endlessly in an unknown ocean. But you will find a shore to hang on to. In fact, you will get out of this stronger than before.
You’re mentality is absolutely not wrong. Things you’re experienceing right now are, sadly, normal, but it will get better. It’s going to take time and it’s unfair because you’ll need to keep working hard. But in the end you’ll learn to know yourself better. You’re already doing it, even if for you it seems like you’re going nowhere. You gave a lot to the others, now you have to take time for yourself and to not feel wrong about that.
I’m tired of letting my loved ones down, i’m Tired of feeling so alone. I don’t want to feel hopeless anymore. I want to be okay, I want to feel the love again, I want to feel as though i’m Someone my girl can be proud of being with. I know that I myself am not proud of what i’ve Become, but changing seems impossibly hard and I’m no stranger to challenge, but I am a stranger to not even knowing where to start.
What you wrote here is really, really important. Try to share this thought with her. She will be proud and priviledged if you let her know how to be here for you, how to understand your feelings and wishes.
You can do this, you will rise again. If you need to, I’m sometimes on Discord.
Hold fast 
