I am kind of a weird person. I honestly believe I am one of the truly good people. My brother graduated today, and on the way into the theatre I was picking up trash, I held doors open for people, I helped someone find their mom. I am an Eagle Scout that has done tons of community service, and I live and breathe that others come first.
But at the end of the day, I am suicidal, I struggle to get through my last breakup over a year ago. My family is in complete shambles. I am the only one that gets along with everyone, maybe because I am the last one that cares, or just wants to feel like I belong. My job is terrible, people are always putting me down and I push myself harder to prove them wrong, but when I do no one notices, and the ones that do say that it won’t matter.
I am trying to get better. I have been trying to read and do more of the things that I really enjoy doing, but I am slowly giving up and destroying myself again, worse each time. I want to be here. I have made that decision. But dear christ it is hard when you scream in a crowd of people and no one stops what they are doing to truly listen to you. I just want to be heard, for someone to beg to me that it isn’t worthless. This is my first post, and I’m pouring myself out because I haven’t recognized that I need more and more help because of how much I am struggling. I just need to know that it will be ok