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I am worthless. I am too scared, and the people I care about are tired of me

I am worthless. I am too scared, and the people I care about are tired of me
I’m fucking 41 years old. I’ve PTSD from childhood trauma and a ton of abandonment issues.
I’ve never been to war, so fuck you, I’m still in pain and still fucking scared.
I’ve been talking to a therapist, but aside from trying to teach me coping techniques, she really hasn’t gotten to the root of my issues, even though I’ve explained them to her a ton.
I’ve been in bad situations over the past 2 decades, from being slowly pushed out of my family home, to nearly dying of depression when the economy collapsed in 2008 and I lost my job and was having to pick up the pieces again. I’ve had an asshole micromanagening, pushy, gaslighting, psycho boss who I finally helped get rid of a few years ago, and now I’m wide awake and dealing with the world’s issues on top of a fucking pandemic. It makes me completely upset, and scared and sometimes I wish I didn’t exist, and other times I wish that I wouldn’t die because I’m so fucking scared.
I DON’T WANT TO BE ON FUCKING MEDICATION BECAUSE I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO CONTROL ME!!!
I wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am and what I am capable of, but people just abandon me because I feel to extreme. My family and my girlfriend are fed up with me and I can’t deal with this anymore. I don’t want to have to go to a mental institution where they would put me on meds or shock therapy and have to lose everything I worked for, for the past 12 years of work at my job.
I worked for so much and I’m going to lose everything because I can’t keep it together mentally. I want to scream at people and hurt them so bad, but I can’t do anything. I have to cower and cry like a fucking pussy. People keep saying I need to get over shit. Well I’m sorry If I don’t share everyone’s sense of ironic detachment and can’t separate myself from my problems. I fucking hate this world and what it has done to me. I wish I could kill the politicians who are screwing up this country and this world, but I can’t do anything. I wish that I could make BIG CHANGES to make this world a better place, but I can’t. I wish people would love me, but I’m too weird and sad, and all I would be doing is trauma dumping on them like I am here. It’s after 4am and I’m in mental and emotional pain right now, because I feel abandoned. I feel worthless. I feel scared. I feel like nobody really fucking cares as deeply for me, as I do for anyone else. I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN’T DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS IN AN ‘ACCEPTABLE’ MANNER!!! I don’t want to abandon who I am at my core, to make other people happy. I don’t want to have to be someone else just to be liked. Everyone in this fucking world is so cold and isolated and doesn’t feel how I feel. I want people to understand how I feel so they get why I’m so upset, and then MAYBE they can fucking help me. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t call my parents right now. I can’t talk to my gf anymore becuase she’s TIRED OF ME after 18 fucking years of hearing me complain. I have no one else to talk to . I’m upset, I’m scared, and I don’t know what else to do. PLEASE FUCKING HELP!!!

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I didn’t go to war for my PTSD either.

I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I feel a lot of what you’re feeling especially the abandonment and anger/violent stuff. I feel everything all the time 10x more than anyone around me. Intense emotions are hard to deal with in the moment they flood you. I have to take a few mins to calm down because it takes me longer too and if I act on my impulses, I usually cause a lot of drama and BS. When I get the first sign whether it’s real or not of someone about to abandon me, I feel like I’m going to die. It’s part of BPD and really hard to deal with.

I wonder if you should find a different therapist, it doesn’t sound like the one you have is doing much for you. You need to get down to the core hurt that causes the maladaptive behaviors. Once you can get there and heal, then the rest gets easier. I’m trying to get there myself.

I hope that you can find some peace tonight

There is no peace for me. And what do you mean BPD? Bipolar or Borderline?I had to work hard to even find a therapist who would take me that I could afford. I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO START OVER AGAIN. I DONT WANT TO START MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE OVER AGAIN BECAUSE I’M BEING ABAANDONDED BY PEOPLE WHO SAID THEY CARED ABOUT ME!!
I don’t want to be locked up, and I don’t want to lose everything I worked for. I DO feel like I’m dying, but not as quickly as I did before.
I dont want to lose my job or my house or my car, and everything I worked so hard to get. I earned everything I worked for and now i’m going to lose all of it because I hate myself and I can’t deal with myself or my life.
I want this fucking pain to end. I want to feel better. I wish people didn’t hate me for being me. I feeel like nobody will ever really love me again. THey only pity me. I can’t fucking live anymore. I won’t ever be able to get over this, and I will lose everything because of it. I wish for a fucking miracle, because that’s the only thing that will save me at this point. I don’t know what else to do.

I still need help. I’m not sure what I can do.
What do I ask my therapist about when I see her next?
How do you exist in this world when you can’t get over the deep-seeded abandonment issues in life?
People I cared about with all my heart left me high and dry, and now I’m scared to be alone, during the worst time in a century. How do I get people to like me again without having to be someone else and being a fake-ass liar?
What am I supposed to do with my life? Am I just not worthy of having a regular life?
Please help.

Your post is full of a lot of raw anguish and pain, and I am truly sorry that you’re going through so much emotionally and mentally right now. This is a rough state to be in, and genuinely I wish you weren’t hurting like this.

From your posts, you’ve said you don’t want meds, and don’t want to be hospitalised, and that you don’t want to have to change yourself, in order to be accepted. This made me think of some questions for you to ponder on (I’m not a therapist or anything, this is just from me):
-What do you think is the best way for the changes you want (to be like and loved again by certain people, to deal with your issues, etc) to be done?
-What are you willing to do to make the changes needed (maybe via changes in thinking, acting, behaving) to get those goals?
-Are you willing to talk through your problems to find solutions?
-Sometimes meds are needed to help sort out wonky brain chems that talking alone can’t fix. If there is a problem like this, would you consider treatment that’s shown to have benefits in regulating the brain chems to help stabilize you?
-Do you like yourself? it’s often so much harder to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves when we’re hurting. Would you be willing for your therapist to help you with that, so that you can find some inner peace and acceptance, that will radiate out for others to feel and see?

Borderline. Fear of abandonment (real or not) is one of the main symptoms. There are a lot of other ones too, I’m not saying you have it of course, just that I can relate to how you are feeling about loosing people you care about. It feels like I’m going to die after someone leaves my life.

I’ll have to ask my therapist what she thinks. I’ve not been to a psychiatrist in years because the last one I went to was an asshole who only prescribed meds and crushed peoples dreams.

-What do you think is the best way for the changes you want (to be like and loved again by certain people, to deal with your issues, etc) to be done?
—Understand what my underlying issues are, and find a way to deal with them. I have a lot of baggage from my past. A lot of old grudges, and pain, and I’m not sure how to get rid of them without feeling like an oblivious twit who doesn’t care anymore. I’ve been picked on the majority of my youth and I’m not satisfied because I’m not sure if SOME the people who hurt me got their karmic justice, like some others I know of, did. Also, when my best friend stopped hanging out with me and decided to “grow up”, it left a scar on my soul. He’s still an alright guy, but it still hurts.

-What are you willing to do to make the changes needed (maybe via changes in thinking, acting, behaving) to get those goals?
— Trying to let go of parts of my past without feeling like it doesn’t/didn’t exist. Feeling like I matter instead of feeling like a pariah or a burden.

-Are you willing to talk through your problems to find solutions?
— I would totally want to talk through these things, but an hour a week isn’t much time to clear any groundwork. I don’t think like other people, and it’s hard for normals to understand me.

-Sometimes meds are needed to help sort out wonky brain chems that talking alone can’t fix. If there is a problem like this, would you consider treatment that’s shown to have benefits in regulating the brain chems to help stabilize you?
— My mother says we are genetically predisposed to depression and anxiety. Situations had made this worse long ago and I was on meds from age 16 to 28, begrudginly. I quit them eventually because I didn’t want to be controlled. I tried going on an anti-anxiety med for a week last year, and it was hell for me, and made my anxiety worse because I had to sort out work while dealing with the side effects of my body getting used to the medication, so I quit it immediately after 6 days. I don’t have time for side effects if I am forced to go back on medication. I just want it to work, no adjustment period, just a gradual point of things getting better.

-Do you like yourself? it’s often so much harder to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves when we’re hurting. Would you be willing for your therapist to help you with that, so that you can find some inner peace and acceptance, that will radiate out for others to feel and see?
—No, I don’t. Because of how I feel (anxiety, anger, depression, an over-active sense of injustice, over-caring), I am viewed as too much to handle, or a monster, or someone who is unworthy of others’ time. I feel like I’m evil, or a killer of pure anger sometimes. I’ve gone through so much pain in my life, that’s why I’m always angry inside. Seeing what this world is doing to people makes me even angrier. The bullies won’t play nice, so the rest of us have to suffer, and that tears me up every day.
I can talk with my therapist about self love, but I don’t know how far I will get in 1 hour a week. I told her already that I feel like a monster. Shes trying her best to help me get past that feeling but its hard to shake that when the world is the way it is, and I feel how I feel.

Let me know if you have any more questions.

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thank you for that thoughtful answer! :smiley:

it sounds like you’re willing to do the work to get better, but it may still be hard for you to let go and forget some of the past things that have happened to you. Sadly there can be an adjustment phase for most meds, and then tweaking the doses until it’s the correct one. Dunno if there is a way to get around that.

I’m not sure what you by “normals”: do you view others are being below you? Or do you mean that other people tend to think in a totally different way that is alien to yours?

thank you again, i do appreciate the time it took for you to think on and then answer my questions! Won’t be around for a bit, so I’ll check in again when I can.

For now, I hope you can find some things to do to bring some peace and joy to your day!

Well, I don’t have time to adjust while life is moving forward. I have to work. I have to take care of my house and my girlfriend and keep the rest of my life together. I can’t just quit everything until my brain adjusts to whatever meds they give me. That’s too hard for me. I need something easier. I need a way to work on the underlying issues without needing to be medicated.

Normals are people who have their shit mostly together and don’t like people with extreme emotions like me, crashing their daily lives, routines, ways of being. Normals are people who operate on the status quo and accept things as they are. Me, I grasp for change when most people just live without questioning things. I want progress for this nation and the world. Peace, justice, freedom WITH responsibility. It’s overwhelming for me. My mind is a bee-hive, or a monkey bouncing from tree to tree, not a river or an elephant moving slowly and with certainty. Normals look at me like I’m crazy. I scare the normals. I am below THEM, not the other way around.

As upset as I am, I’d rather give a more thought out and thorough response so you can understand me better, if at all possible.
I have to work today, so there is not much peace, except when I’m eating or sleeping.
Thank you for reaching out as it is.

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This is a problem for every single person going on meds in some way or another. Who wants to wait? I certainly don’t. I don’t see any other way out of it tho if whatever you are diagnosed with needs medication. It’s part of that surrendering thing I talked about in my first reply to you.

You might not even need meds to be honest. You might just need to learn coping skills to deal with your intense emotions. That’s why I am starting therapy soon, because I need help with that.

Don’t give up on therapy just yet

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I didn’t see anything in your response above about “surrendering”. Please elaborate.
I’ve been in and out of therapy for years. Nobody has ever really nailed down my issues completely. They know I have childhood trauma, and that for a long time I hated my dad for how he treated me, until I grew up and moved out and now he actually appreciates me. Psychiatrists (as opposed to counselors) always seem to want to medicate people to make THEIR job easier. The last legit shrink I went to was someone who put me on meds, per my parents’ request because they were tired of dealing with my anger and depression. It was to give THEM peace of mind since they didn’t know any better. I was on prozac off and on from age 16 to 19 or 20, and maybe some other things as well. I was on welbutrin off and on from age 18 to 28. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and bipolar disorder back when I was younger. I haven’t been FORMALLY diagnosed by an actual psychiatrist since I was in high school. My current therapist doesn’t like to medicate people since she’s better working with CBT, and trying to change peoples thought habits. I’ve been seeing her for over a year.
Not sure how much progress I’ve made since I’ve not been able to eliminate the root of my issues. She always says, your feelings are valid, it’s what you do with them that can be right or wrong. If I went to a real shrink, I’d likely be prescribed meds, because that’s what they do. They treat the symptom, not the disease. I don’t want to be cursed and stuck on meds for all eternity. I am scared when it comes to that, because I have a lot of trauma connected to the last time that happened. I don’t want to go through that again. I hope you understand.