I actually attempted. I tried to kill myself last night. It wasn’t from the plan I had made. I was just trying to fall asleep when I picked up my pillow and tried to suffocate myself. After a bit a took it off and then shoved it on face even harder. I was like that I don’t know how long but eventually I took it off and let myself breathe. The urge came back to put it on and I throw off my bed and just laid there. It’s not like I thought it would be. I thought it would be much hard to stop my breathe but it was easy. I barely had to push down on pillow. God I’m scared. I’m alone in this. I can’t let anyone know that I just tried to kill myself. I have to act like I’m normal which is what I do every day. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I could ever tell anyone. I can’t. They don’t deserve to be hurt like that. I won’t tell them. I’ll just keep this all to myself. Haha Just have to keep it a secret. Just like I hide my depression. Have to hide it. I have hide like I hide that I still self harm every day to the point that standing is a challenge. The way it deserves to be. It deserves to be hard to go by day by day. It deserves to be like this haha. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared and sorry. Sorry that I did this and sorry that I just waste you guys time.
Dear Paladin,
I’m grateful that you are here with us today. Thank you for tooking this pillow off last night. It probably sounds selfish to say that, but I’m glad you are still here.
You dont have to hide. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to fake how you feel. This world doesn’t make it easy to reach out and be vulnerable, but you are not wrong for feeing how you feel either. There is no shame or guilt to have. You’re going through a rough time, and I’m proud of you for allowing yourself to be fully honest at least here. It may feel less real or impactful as we’re all interacting with a distance, but we’re still all real people with a real life, and a real heart to care about each other.
You don’t belong to this dark place. You don’t deserve to be alone and struggle in silence. No one does. You are not less human or valuable than anyone else. It’s just hard for you to see it and embrace this idea. It takes time to learn, it takes time to see. But it’s possible.
Please stay safe. Use crisis resources if you need to. Talk to your parents if you feel like you can. What you’ve been through and are going through is heavy. It creates an imense space for your own vulnerability. People who love you and care about you can be a pillar of strength and stability during these times. You are allowed to share these burdens, so you wouldn’t have to fight only by yourself.
I care about you. And I’m not hurting because of what happened. I’m only grateful because you are still here today. Please use that moment to change the narrative, to transform your future in a healthy way. No one is meant to struggle alone.
When I get home I’ll be reaching out to a hotline and just try to get some rest. I’m still shocked from last night and don’t really know how to react. I’m sorry that I tried to die. I’m really sorry.
It’s okay, friend. You are here now. You are alive. It’s what matters the most.
I’m glad you are willing to reach out to a crisis line. Let it out. Share with the person on the line everything you need. Share your voice. It’s important. YOU are important. 
You’ll be okay.
I did it again. I’m just going to call hotline now. God I’m scared to even be around pillows now. I’m ok I stop myself a lot earlier than last time but I’m sorry I did it again.
Thank you for reaching out and being honest about this, friend.
You will be okay. I hope the call with the crisis line will give you a bit of relief. If you can, tonight, put the pillows away, in a different room. Fold a blanket to put under your head while you sleep, instead. You’ll need a good rest after all of this. If it gets out of control, please don’t overthink too long and reach out to your parents as well. It would be okay for them to know. Last thing I want for you is to be alone while you struggle.
I just don’t know if I’ll be able to tell them. I know for a fact they would just put me inpatient and I don’t want to go back.
May I ask what makes you reluctant to go inpatient again? How was your last experience at the hospital?
Also: how are you doing today? I wanted to check in on you.
Hi @Micro I’m doing better today. I’m stressed out like he’ll because I don’t know if I’ll pass but that’s not that a deal. The reason I don’t want to go back inpatient was that it was not clam experience. Just about everyday there was some kinda of verbal fight between the people there. There a couple of times when they pulled the fire alarm and someone even escaped while I was there. It wasn’t that fun and I don’t want to go back to that stress.
At this point I’m just throwing out my pillows. Every time I look at them the urge comes. God I hate this. I was even thinking about this way until I did it and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I wish this would stop
hi my sweet friend,
i want to start by saying thank you for keeping all of us updated on how you’re doing and talking through these things. as you recover from the shock of your attempt, i do hope you’ll consider reaching out to a close family member, friend, mentor, etc. to be in contact with you.
as you find your solution whether its a hospital stay in a different facility where those uncontrolled situations don’t happen or even talking on the phone to a crisis hotline, my biggest wish is for you to find that support and path to healing.
aside from the actions you could take moving forward, i want you to be reminded from your pal twix that you are loved, you are valued, and you are thought of frequently by me as you find your answer, your peace. your life holds infinite potential and the strength you possess to throw that pillow off of you is something to be admired. so please, my friend, rest as much as possible and care for yourself this weekend. find the hope in the little things in your life and use them as anchors. we are here for you always and i look forward to hearing from you soon, paladin!
love,
twix
I want to reach out but I can’t. I can’t reach out. I really don’t want to back to inpatient and I know if I tell my family they are going to put there. Thank you for your words and I’m trying to take it easy. Which has gotten a lot easier since school is out.
Update. I still haven’t told anyone and am now feeling even loner and worthless than before and I don’t know what do because if I tell them they will get hurt so much and they will hurt me with misunderstanding and assuming that they know what’s going on and saying that I can function and that they understand. They don’t. I don’t think they even know me at this point. I just realized that I never name them. The them are my parents.
It makes sense to feel like your parents don’t really know you if they don’t have some kind of access to this deep part of your heart. There are some things that are absolutely private for sure, part of our inner garden, something sacred to keep for ourselves. But it needs to be separated from things that would become unhealthy if it was only known by ourselves. Your parents can have a wrong judgment, a wrong understanding of the situation, but as they don’t know what’s going on, then they don’t have the keys to understand. You hold those keys. And I know it feels like a heavy responsibility, especially when we’re afraid to hurt others with our own pain. We had this conversation in a different post of yours. Do you remember? This feeling that you had when you told your friends about your relapse? There is some relief to find by letting others in. Just because some battles are not meant to be fought alone.
Yeah I remember. I just don’t know how I could tell them. I really don’t know. I don’t want to hurt them. They don’t know about any of the times I have attempted. Not one so I don’t know how to do it. Sorry
No need to apologize, friend. It’s okay.
I understand that going to them suddenly and saying that you’ve attempted X times might not be the softest way to talk about it. From what I know about your situation and the things you’ve shared already, I’d say there are at least three interesting options:
1/ Writing to them. As much or as little as you want, whether it’s to “introduce” the topic to them/to reach out and then discuss more in-depth about what’s going on. Or a really long text explaining everything. Which would still likely result in a conversation afterwards.
2/ Involve your therapist. “Train” yourself to reach out to your therapist at first. Then try to ask them if they could help you to talk to your parents. Not to replace you, but whether to help you prepare the conversation, or to plan a meeting with both your therapist and your parents. In both cases, they can really help you to see how you could communicate with your parents about this.
3/ To ask directlyto your parents for a bit of their time, at a specific moment of the day. You could approach it like “I’m not feeling well these days, I think I need your help, but it’s difficult for me to discuss, so I need you to give me some of your time so we can have a peaceful conevrsation together…”. You wouldn’t have to tell everything, but it could be a way to let them know that something is going on. Of course, the idea is not to diminish the importance of how you feel just to reassure them, because that would be counterproductive. It’s not a “I’m not okay but it’s not a big deal” type of convo. But more something that would be radically honest, including about what you expect from them, and your fears regarding inpatient treatment. You have the right to share how you feel, and you have the right to say what you expect from them at the same time. “I don’t want to make you feel hurt/ I need you to understand me”, are things that can help sometimes to meta-communicate.
Just a couple of ideas. Again, no pressure. I just want to encourage you to meditate on this possibility. Because you deserve to be supported as much as you need.
Thanks for the ideas I’ll think about them. Thank you.
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