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I can’t be fixed

Why am I so stupid…? I feel like I can’t do anything right. Not too long ago I almost completely ruined my friendship with one of my friends over something I was used to. My current crush has liked me for a while now and even confessed before but because I didn’t like them at the time I basically rejected them. Though, we stayed friends and they still like me and I like them now but for the longest time I knew they liked me back…but I was so freaking shy to the point where I’m super awkward around them and when my friend convinced them to ask me out I said “sure” really awkwardly. For some reason I’m still shy around them even though we are dating. They have the confidence to hug me and say “I like you” to me, so why can’t I say it back…? And I’m like always alone…I don’t like being alone because it scares me. I’m also incredibly stupid. My dad tries to teach me the stuff I don’t understand but I just can’t get it. I’m starting to realize that I might have trust issues but another thing I don’t understand is…why? I notice how I began to be clingy with one of my new friends. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Life is too hard and complicated and I’m just a waste of life. I don’t belong here. I wish I could just disappear. Anyway, I came here because I really just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading about how messed up I am. There are a lot more reasons to why I am a waste of precious life but I would prefer to not get into that because then we would be here forever. The list goes on and on. Anyway, I hope y’all are all having an amazing day!

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Hey Flowerkat, you are not alone. This is exactly the kind of thing I have struggled with for years. It is difficult to get past, I am still not past it myself to be honest, but things do get better, it normalizes (which may or may not be what you want to hear) and the people around you who know you understand too, even if you think they don’t. They may not know understand the details, but they know you, they know you have different needs, and they are OK with that.

I spent my entire high school life waffling back and forth having a crush on this girl who bounced between boyfriends. She and I hung out all the time and were good friends, best friends. Eventually she admitted to me that she liked me too, but I got so used to getting over it every time she started dating someone new (even though I was never really over it) that I did not know how to show my reciprocation even when she admitted it to me. After high school I started dating someone else. My previous crush and I were still good friends, and she told me she did not like my new girlfriend, that she was not good for me, but she supported me as good friends do. My new girlfriend was the jealous type however and drove a wedge between us. I had to choose between the two and I made the wrong choice, and after all that drama things ended up not working out and we broke up anyway.

Not long after that (two year long relationship) my best friend graduated community college and went on to university. We had been planning to transfer together, but I did not graduate. My shame for allowing my ex to drive us apart and for not succeeding like my friend had made it too difficult for me to face her. I ended up just driving that wedge further, not talking, not answering texts, and she moved on. She reached out occasionally when she was back in town, but I could not face her.

It has now been at least 6 years since I burned that bridge, something I have regretted constantly. She has gotten her doctorate and moved back to the area, and I am still working on a bachelors much to my shame. And yet now that she is local again she reaches out regularly. I can’t keep making up excuses so we have hung out and talked a bit. Never anything in depth, its not really been one on one, but she has told me she doesn’t know what happened, where things went wrong, or what she did. That hurt the most, she thinks it is her. I told her it isn’t and even though we have not gotten into detail we talk, we hang out, and things are starting to slowly turn back into what it was, being good friends.

The people like that in your life don’t abandon you, don’t leave you alone even when you think you are, and that is what it sounds like you have too. You just haven’t gotten to that point where you can grit your teeth and face it and allow things to happen yet. I hope it does not take as long as it did for me, I hope that you are able to face things and embrace the friendship and the company that you have. It is difficult, but you can do it. You may feel broken, but that does not mean you are, you may think that you need to be fixed, but it may not be as simple and as hopeless as that sounds. You just need some healing, some self acceptance (because it sounds like they already accept you) and since they already do accept you then I am sure they will understand that you need to accept yourself at your own pace.

Chin up. You are not alone, cracks build character, and the good friends stick around and bounce back when you push them away. You have something special, appreciate it in your own way and your own time because they appreciate you.

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