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I can’t deal with social relationships

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#1

Hi friends,
It’s been a while since I last posted a message on heart support, I hope that you all are not going that bad. I’m proud of you being here.

Anyway, I currently have so many issues to deal with and I don’t know how to solve some of them.
I got over my toxic ex, that’s definitely the thing that I’m the most proud of since a while.
He mentally (and physically) abused me, we were together for 3 years and I had a lot of affective issues toward him. We broke up in February but we never really stopped seeing each other.
A month ago, I met someone else. He have some trust issues and he’s kind of “afraid” to get close to me. Last week and even now, we are spending like 90% of our time together. We kinda act like a couple but we are taking time before going further.
I realized that my ex was restricted me on quiet every aspect of my personality and that I’m blaming myself on things which are totally okay.
For example, i felt bad recently (mostly yesterday and today) and I felt really guilty for that. I told him that I felt bad and that I didn’t want to bother him in any ways. I told him multiple times and I apologized.
But he got mad at me. Idk what to do to cope with these mechanisms…
Do you have any advices ?

Thanks a lot guys,

2 Likes
#2

Welcome back~

It does sounds like you’ve got a bit going on in regard to relationships! I glad you’re getting to the place of self-acceptance for the things that are part of your personality. It’s not right for someone to try to form you into someone that you’re not.

I wasn’t clear if you were talking to your ex or your new friend when you said you were feeling guilty for feeling bad. I think it was your ex. If you want advice, I’d say don’t have any more conversation or connection with someone who has verbally and physically abused you. I think that would be good self-care, and you’re worth it! It is very difficult to change your way of thinking-choice making when you’re continually in an abusive environment, even if technically you’ve broken up. Is this ex aware of your new friend and the amount of time you’re spending together? Is it possible your ex will respond with anger or other abusiveness if/when he finds out.

If I’ve miss read your post and am way off base with my response, please forgive me~

#3

You haven’t misunderstood anything.

I’m on my way to self-acceptance like you perfectly said. But the situation with my ex is even more complicated, we cannot do anything but see each other again and again (family obligations). So I can’t really stop talk with him and so.
Tbh, my ex isn’t aware of this new friend bc he would get mad at me hurt me (physically and verbally). So I’m trying my best to hide it. And I pray that he will never find about it.

#4

I will pray, too, for God’s care and protection over you~

Another word of advice, if you don’t mind…Try not to be alone with your ex when you have to be in the same space because of family get-togethers. Because you were a couple for so long, your family may think you’re OK with being with him, esp if they don’t know about the abuse. They may even want you to get back together, God forbid!

Again, this might be presumptuous of me, but you did ask for advice…Have you listened to any podcasts or read anything about co-dependant relationships? It might give you some insight into the rut of relationship you have with him. Then again, I may be way off base. I don’t know you other than this bit of a window into your life. So forgive me, please, if I’m misunderstanding.

Every individual is responsible for their own behavior. Your ex may try to blame you for what he does. But there are other options besides abuse, like comforting you when you have a bad day, not getting mad at you.

All the best to you, Precious One~

#5

Good morning,
First and foremost, thank you for communicating some of the issues you are going through. I’m truly sorry to hear about the abuse you had to deal with, I too been involved with abuse with my family and now witnessing it with my little sister and her boyfriend. I agree with Catherine when she stated “try not to be in the same room alone with your ex”. From my experience, people like that look for opening’s of vulnerability to use it against you which is why having some you can trust next to you when around your ex will help. They say people feed off of others energy. So maybe having someone around you to help stand up for you may give you the strength to say something yourself. Part of that healing process is finally saying what is on your mind and breaking that barrier. It won’t be easy but I do believe we all find that strength to stand up and speak up. Hopefully this will help in some way. Keep us updated and we can get through this together.