I can’t do it anymore. Please save me

I tried to hang myself again shortly a week before leaving to see my family. I didn’t even actually want to die, I just wanted someone to see and help. I came this close to jumping off of my aunt and uncle’s balcony the other day, and I just wanted someone to see. Why can’t they see me? I want to be offered help and able to accept and get it. I hate myself for being gay and not cisgender, I hate myself, I can’t even look at my body in the damn mirror. I’m a fuckin whale, and my hips are too wide. I’m tired of boys thinking it’s okay to walk up to me and touch/squeeze my ass, I’m tired of my sister asking me for “baby milk”, or grabbing at my breasts just to make me uncomfortable. I feel like a fuckin dude because I’m too tall(my final height will probably be between 5’8-6’1)

I wonder what it would be like to slit my wrists, or cut myself. I want to do those things but I can’t. Someone will see, and I can’t lie. I used to give myself hickies to the point where they’d be close to bleeding, just to feel my teeth touch my skin. I’ve hated myself for so long and I can’t just fuck it all. My dad probably celebrates Father’s Day, despite that the dude don’t even know how old I am, what my shoe size is, or even knows what grade I’m in. He’s a real douche by the way.
This might end up being my last post, so if it is,
goodbye, maybe I’ll be better next time.
-Elle

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I wish that I could give you a friendship hug right now. You are perfectly wonderful just as you are. If we all looked alike, I think humanity would slowly disappear. Being gay can make life more difficult, but it’s absolutely not a reason to hate yourself. You deserve to treat yourself as you would treat others. For example, would you hate someone else for being gay? Why then, do you feel that it’s a reason to hate yourself?

When it comes to looking in the mirror, we are our own worst critics. In fact, our dissatisfaction can cause us to be cruel to ourselves. Doing so does not make anything better. In fact, negative self judgment undermines our ability to make positive changes. If you were really unattractive, I doubt that any boys would want to touch you. A generic standard of beauty really isn’t worth pursuing, as a unique appearance is far more striking.

By the way, no one has the right to touch your body without your permission, not even your sister. Tell those people that your body is off limits, and if they persist in touching you, you will take legal action.

Most female models are 5’8" or taller. If you are carrying extra weight, the additional height will actually make you appear more slender.

As I eluded to before, if you were to meet another person who had an appearance and issues similar to yours, how would you treat that person? I think that question deserves a lot of thought. You’ve made hating yourself into a habit,. You’ve been terribly unfair to yourself.

I don’t know what your circumstances are, or why no one noticed your attempted self hanging. Sometimes people can see things right in front of their eyes, and their minds refused to believe what their eyes are seeing. So, if you were observed sitting yourself up for hanging, it’s very possible for someone to see that happening and refused to believe what they’re seeing.

You have proven to yourself that for whatever reason, self-harm will not lead to you getting the help that you need. Therefore, I think you need to tell someone that you need help, and be persistent about it until you find someone who can help you.

My dad was a mess too. He pickled his brain with alcohol to the extent that he couldn’t remember my name.

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