I got letter from boss saying I’m not sweeping the floors, not doing all the trash, pretty just saying I suck at my job. I can’t even do the basic of jobs as a fucking janitor.
Believe it not I trying so fucking hard to clean every room, to do every trash and just to have a fucking job just make me fucking independent.
But I guess a fucking retard that can’t stand on his own. I fucking hate myself, just drove through a fucking wall. I try so fucking to be a normal person, but I’m fucking failure. I should just kill myself
Every job has a learning stage, it is natural to have some shortcomings at the beginning.
If there are certain things you can improve upon, then use the letter to teach you those things. After you finish clean up an area, why not ask your boss or supervisor to give it a quick look so they can tell you immediately if you did it correctly or if they expected something differently.
You have mentioned that you quite often get mad at yourself and then do some sort of violent act on yourself. Do these acts help you at all? They are how you react, but if they’re not helping you, then why literally hurt yourself when you may be able to address the situation/problem at hands? Could they be making it worse, because by doing so, you make it harder to think logically about the situation you’re in?
You have been expecting to lose this job for a while. There is some truth to the self-fulfilling prophecy. Could it be that you think you’re going to lose the job anyway that you are making mistakes that would lead you to being fired?
If it’s all you think about, there will be a part of you that believe it’s going to happen and you will make it happen.
It’s scary and it’s hard, and I’m sorry it’s been a rough patch you’ve been in. But you need to learn to regulate your emotions and find ways to manage your anger with yourself. You work in a school (I think?) and therefore there are standards of behaviour you must think about. The kids shouldn’t see you punching yourself or anything like that.
It sounds like you need a cleaning check list. I was a janitor for seven years, and I forgot stuff too, and my IQ is fine. I carried a list around, whenever I was assigned to a new area. If your boss was really upset about your work, you’d be getting more than just a letter.
Don’t try to be a normal person. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, besides being impossible for anyone. People who try to be normal end up feeling insecure and disappointed in themselves. Instead, be yourself, and work on harmonizing who you are with the things you need to do.
And hell no, you shouldn’t just kill yourself! The world is a better place because of you, and you have a right to be here, even if you have to struggle with some things.
you also put so much pressure and expectations on yourself, that it seems like you’re overwhelming yourself even before you begin a task. A checklsit like Wings said is a great idea, but you also have to have some self-compassion. Those were some wise words you just shared in another post
Treat yourself, it important to have self compassion. Hang in there friend.
It’s so hard when you hear people tell you that “you’re not doing” whatever you’re doing your best to do. Sometimes a hard perspective is to take those words and use them to keep pushing to where you want to be.
You’re being way too hard on yourself I think.
Wings and Sita have both shared some great perspective! Some people aren’t the best at expressing constructive criticism, but we can always turn it around and make it constructive.
When they are telling you that things aren’t getting done, is it a personal attack, or is it to help better your work?
What resources and tools are they going to help provide for you to complete your tasks? As Wings said, writing a list is good, and maybe they could help input and work with you on that so you know what they need
Do you see yourself worth more than the situation you are in? Do you value yourself enough to separate job performance from who you are as a person? You definitely don’t need to derail yourself and your worth!
