i’m so exhausted. all i’m doing is running around in circles for nothing. i’ve waited my entire life to leave this house and what do i get? a mental health that is rapidly deteriorating. no one can help me and no one ever will. i don’t want anyone to feel guilty about it, no one can help this situation.
i don’t even care if i’m not alone, it feels like i am. it will not get better, it’s been only getting worse and worse ever since i literally an infant. i don’t want to deal with this anymore.
i don’t believe in fate or thing happening for a reason, but i think this is the universe telling me that i’m just running out of time.
i try so hard to do new things and help myself and i get nothing. i’m tired of just getting nothing. everything i do just comes crashing down and i get nothing out of it. what’s the point anymore?
i text and call lifelines and i get nothing. i don’t feel any better. why am i even reaching out when all i do is say the same stuff all the time? time all blends together and i don’t even know why i bother eating at this point.
i’ve lost myself and at this point i don’t care to get that person back. all i’ve gotten is my family being rude after i express myself or just being questioned or judged and told not to do things to be myself. i’m criticized for doing everything just because i do thing a bit differently with ocd and anxiety, it’s not my fault but i’m told i’m making it up or being dramatic.
i’ve been on the edge of killing myself for months now, even closer to just hurting myself in any way possible. what the hell am i even holding onto? the day that i move out? it’s never going to happen and even if it does, i won’t have anything left of myself by that time because i barely do now, i can’t imagine two years from now. i keep thinking “just imagine a year from now, it’ll all be better” and guess what? it’s been five years and what do i get? things only getting worse. i get it, i’m just doing a pity party, but i’m tired of being forced to pretend that my abuse and trauma doesn’t hurt me in day to day life. my family doesn’t understand anything and only pretend to care when they want me to feel bad for them after they’ve done something abusive. that’s not fucking love. i own up to the stupid things i did as a teenager but it’s still brought up to prove that i’m a horrible person but yet i’m not allowed to bring up what they did a week ago because i’m being dramatic about it.
this is all stupid. i want to leave on my own terms.