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I can’t do this anymore, i’m going to die

i’m so exhausted. all i’m doing is running around in circles for nothing. i’ve waited my entire life to leave this house and what do i get? a mental health that is rapidly deteriorating. no one can help me and no one ever will. i don’t want anyone to feel guilty about it, no one can help this situation.

i don’t even care if i’m not alone, it feels like i am. it will not get better, it’s been only getting worse and worse ever since i literally an infant. i don’t want to deal with this anymore.

i don’t believe in fate or thing happening for a reason, but i think this is the universe telling me that i’m just running out of time.

i try so hard to do new things and help myself and i get nothing. i’m tired of just getting nothing. everything i do just comes crashing down and i get nothing out of it. what’s the point anymore?

i text and call lifelines and i get nothing. i don’t feel any better. why am i even reaching out when all i do is say the same stuff all the time? time all blends together and i don’t even know why i bother eating at this point.

i’ve lost myself and at this point i don’t care to get that person back. all i’ve gotten is my family being rude after i express myself or just being questioned or judged and told not to do things to be myself. i’m criticized for doing everything just because i do thing a bit differently with ocd and anxiety, it’s not my fault but i’m told i’m making it up or being dramatic.

i’ve been on the edge of killing myself for months now, even closer to just hurting myself in any way possible. what the hell am i even holding onto? the day that i move out? it’s never going to happen and even if it does, i won’t have anything left of myself by that time because i barely do now, i can’t imagine two years from now. i keep thinking “just imagine a year from now, it’ll all be better” and guess what? it’s been five years and what do i get? things only getting worse. i get it, i’m just doing a pity party, but i’m tired of being forced to pretend that my abuse and trauma doesn’t hurt me in day to day life. my family doesn’t understand anything and only pretend to care when they want me to feel bad for them after they’ve done something abusive. that’s not fucking love. i own up to the stupid things i did as a teenager but it’s still brought up to prove that i’m a horrible person but yet i’m not allowed to bring up what they did a week ago because i’m being dramatic about it.

this is all stupid. i want to leave on my own terms.

Hey @limeytea,

I’m so sorry. You know I’ve been reading your post for a moment now. And I hear how draining it is to be in this situation, in this middle of not knowing what are your options anymore.

I want to thank you to keep reaching out. It’s okay if you repeat the same things. It’s okay if you use this place as a journal if you want. Maybe you don’t see it now, but it’s still important to reach out so you can fight against these dark thoughts.

You’re not dramatic at all, friend. What you say will always be taken seriously here. You know there are people in this community who care about you and want you to be safe. I care about you. And if you need to get things off your chest now, about what’s going on at home or what happened to you, friend, go for it. Use my DMs if you need. It’s okay. Let this energy out, because you have all the right to feel what you feel right now, but please don’t turn it against yourself.

i text and call lifelines and i get nothing. i don’t feel any better. why am i even reaching out when all i do is say the same stuff all the time? time all blends together and i don’t even know why i bother eating at this point.

I know you tried different options, and resources were given to you from time to time. Would you be okay to summarize what you tried already/who you reached out to, and what was the result? It’s just to slow down a little and think about your options with you.

I hear your exhaustion. But you are not running out of time. And the universe is not telling you anything, even if it feels like there is some kind of fatality in your situation. There’s often options we can’t see or didn’t think about.

Hang in there. :heart:

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a domestic abuse line was given, i was redirected to a family abuse place, which i was then directed to a local place to help find resources in my area and then a place called hope and justice project said they would help me and they didn’t. i have a small town, not many resources here. i’ve tried therapy countless times, all i get it is “just wait until you move out” and i don’t get anything different. every single turn feels like a dead end and i’m tired of trying.

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Thank you for responding, @limeytea. :heart: I’m really sorry because I’m going to annoy you with different questions. Feel free to respond or not - and to take your time. I’m aware that it can be a little overwhelming.

which i was then directed to a local place to help find resources in my area and then a place called hope and justice project said they would help me and they didn’t.

Were there other resources in this local place? (outside of Hope and justice project)

How was it with Hope? Did they say that they can’t do anything, or you’re without any news from them?

i’ve tried therapy countless times, all i get it is “just wait until you move out” and i don’t get anything different.

Were the therapists in your area? (do you still have a possibility to contact them and ask them if they are in touch any social worker in your area?)

How was it with the Rainbow Resource Center that has been sent to you on another post (the list of LGBT resources) - anything interesting in it to you?

But more importantly: how are you doing today, friend?

Sending all the love to you. :heart:

no you’re not annoying, appreciate you wanting to help.

there weren’t any other resources given to me when i was on the phone, i even did my own research on it too. it was all for partner abuse, not family abuse.

i have a therapist again now, since it was free because they are an intern. i’m hoping to ask them for help, but i’m not hopeful about it.

the rainbow resource didn’t exactly help, it was resources for lgbt people who need company or hormonal therapy or other medical care.

it feels like i’m just whining, but it’s hard for me to find anything because of how small my town is. i apologize if i come off as dismissive to resources, i’ve just been looking for a while and didn’t get anything.

but just wanted to say thank you for caring and wanting to ask questions and help. it means a lot to know that other people care❤️

i’m not doing good recently, been in a dark place, but i don’t feel as bad today, just sorta empty. i hope you’re feeling well though.

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it feels like i’m just whining, but it’s hard for me to find anything because of how small my town is. i apologize if i come off as dismissive to resources, i’ve just been looking for a while and didn’t get anything.

Hey friend, you’re not whining at all. And you’re not dismissive. Thank you for responding. :heart:

I get it really. It’s been a moment that you’ve been looking after something and I understand that you feel like running in circles. There’s no need to blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. :heart: Actually, you can be proud of all the strength and perseverance you’ve been gathering for a long time. I’m proud of you. There’s no doubt that you’ve been really trying for a moment now. And I understand why it feels hopeless. But even if it sounds cheesy to say that, there is hope, friend.

You mentioned your boyfriend before, do you have any projects together? Like moving away together at some point?

Also, it’s a little different, but there’s this mentoring program that, maybe, could be great at least to find some support next to where you live, and someone with whom you could connect on a regular basis. I know it doesn’t solve anything or change the situation itself, but it sounds like gathering all kind of support could be great right now. :slight_smile: You can find more informations here: https://www.beneaththeskinonline.org/

Otherwise, I’ll probably shoot you a DM after this message. :heart:

i have a therapist again now, since it was free because they are an intern. i’m hoping to ask them for help, but i’m not hopeful about it.

Alright, that’s good! And good idea to ask them just to use their own network. Sometimes it’s just a matter of one person who’ll open the right door for you. It’s absolutely okay to ask as much people as possible. And I hope the therapist will help too just to have a safe place.

All the love to you, still and always.

i really appreciate all of this. i don’t feel strong though, i’m just sorta giving up at this point. and no, my boyfriend and i aren’t moving in together anytime soon. he can’t afford to have another person living with him right now, which is fair.