it feels like i’m doing the same things every single day, i know i’m not since i moved, but it feels like it. i can’t tell what i did yesterday or the day before, my memory is off. i don’t feel real and i feel gross.
i’m overwhelmed by everything and i’m getting worse at interviews. people in my life keep saying i’m just being hard on myself but i know when i did good at an interview and i when i didn’t and i know i’ve been failing recently. all i have is a shitty dollar store job and i can’t do this anymore. i’m just a cog in a machine doing small dumb tasks while the clock tics away the only life i have to live. i don’t have any motivation to even partake in my hobbies anymore, which is causing me to fall behind and lose all the progress i made but i hate my hobbies right now because of how much i struggle to even do it.
what’s the point? i’m falling behind and i’m stuck again. why continue living if i’m not enjoying life and i’m not able to do the things i love. my mental health is garbage and i can’t get out of it no matter how hard i try, i’ve been like this for over ten years. i should have killed myself when i was 10 and attempted to do it. i wouldn’t be in this awful place. i’m not where i want to be even with this move. i can’t even talk to the people i love anymore because everyone’s busy and i have a time difference to them now.
every minute i battle with the urge to hurt or kill myself. my therapist can’t do anything either, they never have. i can’t tell my boyfriend or friend about it because they’re already stressed and i’m not wasting what little time i have to talk to them by telling them how shitty i feel. i’m too much of a burden and i’m not wasting the less than two hours i have with my boyfriend every couple of days.
I understand the feeling of being stuck, unreal, not worth it. These are all feelings that my depression brings out in me, too. I’m sorry that your brain is being unkind to you right now.
Your feelings are just as valid as any stress your friend or boyfriend is under. Try reaching out, even if you don’t open the floodgates fully.
I hear you when you say you’re tired and fed up, that this has been too long. I understand. But you are strong. You are here. You are valid.
Can you tell the exact moment from where everything started to go to hell? I think it was earlier then you were 10 years. Do you remember were you happy in 7 years? What relationships do you have with your parents?
My old therapist said, that “memory goes off” because of mind overload. It’s like a self protecting mechanism that prevents your brain from harm. Maybe meditation can help, but i can’t understand how is it possible to just sit and free your mind in a situation like this. As for me, i’m to weak to meditate, even if i know how.
i don’t think i was every really happy, i was always an anxious kid with really bad separation anxiety. bad home life, toxic school, horrible biological father and step father and my mother was fine until i was about 10. i’m just saying that i should have done the attempt when i was younger, i wouldn’t have had gone through a lot of suffering. i know my trauma was way before i was 10, i remember it and i remember the downfall of my mental health.
So you remember the moment, that’s good. Good because you can at least try to understand why it happened. Some people don’t remember it at all, like me. As you said, i don’t think i was ever really happy (maybe, before 5 years or so).
Do you know what hapeiness is for you? Maybe good family that love you? Can you just imagine a happy life, just for a couple of minutes?