I can’t escape my thoughts. My troubled deep helpless thoughts. No matter how hard I try or how happy I try to be, they’re always there. I think about shit I never thought would come to mind. I had a dream… a few nights ago, I was in the tub, slit both of my wrists and just sat there waiting for the time to run out and watching my blood drain. I feel like a mad person thinking of this but I also feel a type of release… a type of “go ahead do it no one will find you until the next morning” type shit. I use to take medication, talked to therapists that only made things worse… that’s when I though I was troubled, now I’m at the stage of ‘oh shit this is real’. My cousin is getting married this coming Saturday… I picked out a nice black dress, and when I was picking it out and hit that order button… when it finally came on and I tried it out, all I saw was a lifeless body in a casket. Just in the mirror… nothing my cold pale body in a dark casket. I don’t want to come on here and make it seem like I’m crazy, because I’m pretty sure that’s what it seems… but I can’t stop thinking of just ending it all even though I’m so scared of death and even sharp objects I can’t stop thinking of escaping these thoughts and putting myself out of my own Misery.
I’ve at times experienced similar thoughts myself (still do). It’s HORRIBLE. You dont want to die, you just want the bad thoughts to end. Do you have people you are very close with that you can talk to?
I don’t really like talking about my thoughts because I feel stupid about them, but I do tell my boyfriend and my two cousins that have depression as well. I’ve also tried to tell my mother but I can’t seem to spit all the words out because I start crying when trying to explain myself. I just don’t know how to get these thoughts out of my head because I could be okay one minute and the next they sneak up on you out of no where. I really hate it.
I do have trouble getting my thoughts through mouth, so I started a mental health journal several months ago. It might be beneficial for you if you’re interested in starting one? Also, you are NOT stupid for those thoughts of yours.
hi!
you need to talk to your therapists and say things are getting worse with your medication. Did they give you a medical diagnosis of what you have? Sometimes medication really doesn’t help at all.
When I suffered from anxiety the meds used to make me feel worse, so I stopped taking it.
Cheers,
Vanessa
Thank you for that I feel like most of my emotions are stupid because I know they’re not true… but I know it’s an issue of mine. I appreciate that 
Also a journal may help me as well! I’ll start one tonight and see how that helps!
Hey Vanessa yeah I’ve talked to my doctors and I refuse to go to another therapist because she basically said the problems I have sound like they’re my fault so, that made me feel 10x worse… the meds I were on made me angry all the time and then I got switched and made me feel dead inside so…
How can a therapist say such thing like that???
So sorry for that. That’s very unprofessional.
Please don’t take the meds if they make you feel worse. 
You don’t want to have those thoughts. Try to have positive thoughts and be around positive people.
At the time I thought “oh she’s right I’m a piece of garbage” and for a while that swelled in my mind. But I try to think positive and stay by my family that help me but my thoughts just creep up.
I try my hardest to keep positive sometimes I’m not so strong
I can pray for you if you like
You’re gonna be ok. You’re stronger than you know.
I would love it if you prayed for me! Thank you.