I hate the way my mind works and what it does to me. I hate the way it makes me second guess myself and doubt myself. I always try to remind myself that these feelings and emotions will pass, but I always end up stuck in them. I really don’t want to keep trying. I push people away, isolate myself, and self destruct. I do all I can to get better then i’m all of a sudden back to square one again. I can’t take myself anymore. I get so attached to people who show the smallest amount of affection to me. I tell myself not to grow attached to them cuz they will end up leaving or something like that but I end up running to them and feeling heartbroken when they leave, even when I warned myself. I really can’t keep going. I can’t keep waking up every day and telling myself the same lie: I will get better. I won’t get better. I make so much progress then end up back in the same place I started. I’m a mess. I’m an awful person. I deserve to be alone. I won’t ever find someone who can truly handle how I feel. I will never find a person who I feel comfortable around and am confident that I don’t annoy them or they don’t hate me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I can’t handle my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know why I keep tricking myself like this. I won’t get better and it won’t get easier.
Hey Nicole, I’m sorry you’re feeling like things can’t improve. That’s a rough place to be, and sometimes it can seem like there is no point in even trying.
Here’s the thing: You already proved that it is worth trying.
You said yourself, you make so much progress. But there is no way you can end up in the same place you started. It’s simply not possible. I get the feeling – trust me – but it’s not a real thing; it’s a lie. Every experience you have shapes you and helps you grow. You might revert back to old habits, old ways of being, or just feel like things have been a waste of time, but everything you have experienced is a part of who you are now. Life and growth and learning is all cyclical, so if you feel like you’ve been at some stage in your life before, maybe you have, but this time you’ll have more experience and maturity and strength to face it.
The point is, you are already getting better and you said that yourself. Things might be really tough right now, but there is hope. You are not an awful person…an awful person would not even consider it. As for the constant doubts and thoughts about being annoying or people hating you, those are just lies you’re telling yourself. Sure, some people might hate you, but that’s not your problem and they probably hate most of the people around them. I personally find that the “hated” person is actually a lot less common than the hateful person, so I’d say you’re either encountering a lot of those or you’re lying to yourself a lot.
Sorry this is pretty long-winded. But the point is, it’s not your fault and you are not an awful person. It seems like you’re actually a really compassionate person. I always suggest trying to talk with a counselor, because literally everyone could use that kind of professional support. It’s just a matter of availability, affordability, and finding someone you feel comfortable with and who knows what they’re doing. It could help you in trying to avoid overthinking things, isolating yourself, etc.
Anyway, keep being you, because that’s what the world needs. And please stick around, because that’s also what the world needs. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Just keep holding on and everything is going to be all right. Never be afraid to reach out. Peace and love <3
@nicole_kaley, hey sister, it’s okay. No one will ever be perfect. I believe in you, and I will never believe that you deserve to be alone. You try so hard, and end up back in the same place. It might seem like the same place to you, and I don’t have the answers to make everything better, but know that all I see is a fighter. A fire that refuses to go out no matter how much water it meets.
When They Call My Name - Black Veil Brides
You Deserve Better & Deal with being alone
These two people motivate me the most when I feel I lost my way & giving up. They use rationale & logic to understand how to manage life.
We all have hurt, are lonely, attaching ourselves to people that mistreat us & feel worthless. We are the misfits.
I send light, love & positivity to you. I Hope good things for you.