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I can’t make my brain shut up

How do I make it stop? I’m laying here crying, listening to my brain saying over and over how much of a financial burden I am on my family, and how big of a piece of crap I am since I’m having job struggles right now and I have $9.13 in my bank acct.

I have a new job, but haven’t been able to start because there’s been a mixup with me and some other person’s identities or something…I mentioned only having a few dollars in my acct today and my dad says “guess I’m paying for your car payment this month huh…and you’re behind from last month too.” This, of course, has been echoing in my head all evening. I’ve obviously been worrying about this for weeks…but hearing him say that just tipped me. Then, later when I brought the mail in, he gets the electric bill and it’s high. I joked that I wasn’t here for a few days (I just got home from a trip that I essentially had to take, otherwise I would have thrown MORE of his money out the window) and he was like “yeah but the AC has still been on and we’re using electricity”.
Like, I’m fully aware of that…and the fact that I’m struggling bad with money right now…and the fact that I’m kind of at the mercy of other people right now.

Side note, my cat just came up and plopped down on my pillow against my face and is purring…animals are so intuitive aren’t they?? She doesn’t usually lay like this

Anyways, I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to deal with everything that’s expected of me…I need to work. I need to rest a lot because of my mental and physical limits. My dad wants me to be able to do things with him on certain days…which is hard when you work retail and only have so many spoons…but then he obviously expects me to work too so that I can have money to contribute to life. And then I also want to spend time with my husband when he gets off work…and I attempt to get some me time in too, which usually doesn’t do much since my depression and self loathing get in the way most of that time.

I’m just always spread so thin. Always. There’s not enough of me to go around. There’s not enough of me to mentally facilitate being a contributing member of society. Just when I think I might feel a little better, everything comes flying back to me from one little trigger and all I want to do is disappear into the void.

How do I stop listening to what my brain is saying to me? How do I stop believing it? How do other people live normal lives with far more expectations without getting so beat up like I do with fewer expectations on me?!

Why. Can’t. I. Just. Be. “Normal.”

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I really hate that your brain is being so horrible to you. It’s not fair that our minds can just… spin everything around and make it seem and feel so impossible.

You’re working really hard to make positive changes in your life! I understand if you can’t really see that for yourself, but others can. Money stress is, I really believe, the worst kind. It just bleeds into literally everything else.

How do you get your brain to shove it? I wish I could answer that specifically for you in a way that would just instantly change it. What has helped me is writing out truth, keeping videos of people telling me truth about my life. Forcing my brain to think about those. That I am loved. That I AM making progress. That changes take time. That I am loved. That I CAN keep going. That I am loved. Etc. One phrase at a time to replace the LOUD lies with the truth that felt so quiet to me, and still does sometimes.

You don’t need to compare your life expirations with others, but I think I get what you’re trying to say. Your life is your life. Their life is there’s. You’re allowed to feel how you feel about it all! You’re definitely contributing to society, and you’re helping lots if people around this community. Obviously, one of those people is me, but others, too. People get so excited when you’re around. I know that money stress in particular just stands like a wall in front of all the other positive aspects in your life, and ot really only goes away with… well money.

You’ve done nothing but try try try try try since you moved, which is right when I met you. If trying was currency you’d buy your own rocket into space! Maybe focus on that? Focus in how much you’re trying to contribute, how much your trying to improve your life. How much your want to make your life better can be reframed into a positive thing, instead of the drag it feels like right now. I know it feels like one hit after another, and maybe it is. But none of those things you listed make you a piece of crap. They do not make you a burden. They do not make you woth anything less than love and support and the effort it take to keep trying.

Love you stream twin.

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I love you so much bestie.
Amen to the being able to buy a rocket with how much I try. You don’t even know. We’ve got dual income on that front! :roll_eyes:

I just wish there was a way to see ourselves through other’s eyes. I think it would be so helpful to see how wrong perceptions can be…

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Hey Busta!

EsRivs responded to your post with some amazing words of encouragement and advice live on stream!

Here is a link to the video so you can hear their reply for yourself.

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Thank you Sarah :orange_heart: (I don’t know if you have an h in your name or not! Ahh)
You pretty much hit the nail on the head with my whole situation with everything. My dad is a retired boomer and my husband and I live with him to share responsibilities and financials. I don’t think he (my dad) really understands how much I worry about stuff…and I know he doesn’t understand my depression. I’m trying to take any grumpiness from his side lightly since he’s been going through chemo lately and it’s making him feel terrible…though, he’s always been pretty blunt about things like that anyways. It’s just the way it’s said, ya know?

As for my new job, essentially my profile somehow got merged with some other person with the same last name…I went in to start on Tuesday, but we didn’t want to go too far into the on-boarding stuff in case I have to do it again once my profile gets fixed. They had my first name as hers, but my birthday was right, and had both of our addresses! Very weird. But I’m just kind of sitting here waiting on HR to fix it before I can start working again. I have high hopes for this job (it’s at Michael’s…mmmm art supplies) so I’m really itching to get started. But on the other hand, I feel so discouraged and down about jobs and money that I want to go hide in a hole, ya know?

I’m feeling a little better today, after sleeping and such. Typing it out here helped, and it was nice to get a video response too. So thank you guys. I’m so thankful for this community.

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Hey wonderful. :hrtlegolove:

It sounds that a lot of pressure has been piling up on your shoulders lately - maybe more than usual. I’m glad you’ve been feeling better since you’ve posted, but also hope that crying has the effect of some relief for you. There’s only so much our body can handle, and crying is still a good way to just let it out.

It sucks when you feel like your entire life is out of control, yet you are pressured from so many different places and people to be a certain way. But you know yourself, you know how it is to live with depression, anxiety and self-doubts, you know how consuming it is even if it remains invisible to the eyes of so many. It’s double efforts, double work, constantly. In your life it’s like there’s just this very very tiny, little place where you can be you. But it’s too small, it’s uncomfortable and it only allows you to survive. So one comment that reminds you what is felt as personal failures, one commitment or reminder of “normal” responsibilities, and there you are hitting your head against a wall made guilt, shame, helplessness and disappointment. My heart goes out to you friend.

I’ve been unemployed for almost two years, and it’s been almost two years of waking up everyday and thinking: f*ck this, I HAVE to look after a job but I’m mentally unable to. Two years of feeling trapped and like a massive burden to my partner, of apologizing to him for putting both of us in a situation where our life projects are on hold. This pit of self-deprecation and guilt can be so damaging. I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I can’t do what others seem to do so easily because of a freaking depression that I never asked for. It doesn’t seem fair, and I’ve turned too many times this feeling of injustice against me, which only made it even deeper. Eventually, it went to the point of having suicidal thoughts too often, having a plan and being at the edge to follow through. It has taken me some intentional efforts, to allow myself to be surrounded by lovely people - even just virtually -, to hold on to physical reminders of that love around me as well, in order to start to really work on that mindset. So, first and foremost, I want to remind you, dear friend: you are loved SO MUCH. You are such a bright light in my life and in the life of so many. Your heart is so full of life, love and gifts to share in this world. There is no employement status, no electricity bill, no amount of money on a bank account that will EVER change that. And your depression doesn’t take that away either. There is such a vibrant spark of life within you. I can’t even find the right words to express how it feels to just see you on streams and read your messages. Even through the coldness of a computer screen, I can feel all the warmth that comes from your heart, and that is such a wonderful gift you have continuously gave us here in this community. Your presence is a blessing, and we’re here for you - always. Through the good and the bad, for the jokes and the serious matters.

This situation with your work is so frustrating because you are left with not really any other choice but waiting. And in the meantime, life keeps happening, responsibilities keeps accumulating, and reminders of what you can’t do at the moment keeps appearing. You are not on hold though. You are still growing, learning, thriving through your depression as well. It might not be seen, acknowledged or celebrated by people who don’t see it, but you know we see it here, and that is so important. I know how deep these battles are and how consuming it is to feel like you have to fight against yourself in order to have a sense of normalcy in your life. You are not your enemy though. You are not useless. You are not a burden. The circumstances right now don’t define you. They are outside of you. They are beyond your control, but sooner or later things will get back to “normal” one way or another.

Please never be “normal”, that would be so sad and boring. But do all that is needed to be at peace and live the life you want and deserve, and know that we’ll keep encouraging you through it all. You are enough as you are and you are such a treasure of a human being. Opportunities to reach your goal, to feel in movement and moving on in your life will keep arising. In the meantime, it’s also important to try to give yourself the credit you deserve. It’s incredibly hard to have to wait while feeling like your hands are tied. That alone takes a lot of perseverance, resilience and strength. That’s who you are, Busta. You’re not giving up. You’re not saying “I’m too messed up to keep going”. You’re actually screaming how much you WANT the life you deserve. And you will. Not because the stars will magically align together. But because you have all that it takes within you to move forward.

I don’t know if we can’t stop having those horrible thoughts about ourselves when we feel very vulnerable. Depression is like this stupid veil that makes everything - especially ourselves - look like it’s not good or interesting enough. However, I’d like to say that what you did right here, sharing your heart the way you did, is a great strength in itself. Because you don’t just think “I’m a burden” and then you’d let yourself drown endlessly. No. You went here. You’ve shared about what’s going on. You’ve distanced yourself with these thoughts and understood that something isn’t helping there. And you said it yourself: writing helps, which I 100% agree with.

Just creating this distance with these thoughts IS a huge thing, because it will allow you more and more to react differently to it. It will give you more and more choice. We can’t necessarily control how we feel, especially if we’ve been used to feel and react a certain way in some circumstances. It takes time to unlearn those patterns of thoughts and behaviors. But we can learn to welcome those feelings as they are, distance ourselves a little more from them, confide in the truth that it’s not going to feel that deep and hurt that much forever, that the next day solutions could be found with the help of the people we love, that we are not alone. Sometimes there are times for emotions only. And then there are times for thinking about our next steps.

It feels like these moments define everything that we are. But they don’t. You are not your depression. You are not your doubts. You are not your job status. These happen to be part of you and part of your life, but it would be so reductive to define you only through these elements. You are BUSTA, gosh dangit! An incredible sunshine who also needs their part of hugs and warmth during rough times. This life is tough, unfair and full of so many hurdles. But we are walking on each of our paths TOGETHER. I’m rooting for you. I believe in you so much. Take our love, our certainty, our grace, our encouragement if you feel like you can’t give it to yourself right now. We’ll never run out of it for you. We love you. :hrtlegolove:

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MICRO. You……argh. You’re so … wonderful.
First, you seem to get me. Not just understand me, you have some weird way of just knowing me deep down inside and I’m not even sure how.
Second, this made me cry and it might be the most wonderful thing anyone’s ever said to me… it means even more to me knowing you actually mean all those words. So, thank you. You….ugh, I love you friend.

As an update, I got a call today letting me know to come in tomorrow (Saturday) to start my onboarding again, so it begins tomorrow!! :orange_heart:

Thank you friends. I mean it.

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