It sounds that a lot of pressure has been piling up on your shoulders lately - maybe more than usual. I’m glad you’ve been feeling better since you’ve posted, but also hope that crying has the effect of some relief for you. There’s only so much our body can handle, and crying is still a good way to just let it out.
It sucks when you feel like your entire life is out of control, yet you are pressured from so many different places and people to be a certain way. But you know yourself, you know how it is to live with depression, anxiety and self-doubts, you know how consuming it is even if it remains invisible to the eyes of so many. It’s double efforts, double work, constantly. In your life it’s like there’s just this very very tiny, little place where you can be you. But it’s too small, it’s uncomfortable and it only allows you to survive. So one comment that reminds you what is felt as personal failures, one commitment or reminder of “normal” responsibilities, and there you are hitting your head against a wall made guilt, shame, helplessness and disappointment. My heart goes out to you friend.
I’ve been unemployed for almost two years, and it’s been almost two years of waking up everyday and thinking: f*ck this, I HAVE to look after a job but I’m mentally unable to. Two years of feeling trapped and like a massive burden to my partner, of apologizing to him for putting both of us in a situation where our life projects are on hold. This pit of self-deprecation and guilt can be so damaging. I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling like I can’t do what others seem to do so easily because of a freaking depression that I never asked for. It doesn’t seem fair, and I’ve turned too many times this feeling of injustice against me, which only made it even deeper. Eventually, it went to the point of having suicidal thoughts too often, having a plan and being at the edge to follow through. It has taken me some intentional efforts, to allow myself to be surrounded by lovely people - even just virtually -, to hold on to physical reminders of that love around me as well, in order to start to really work on that mindset. So, first and foremost, I want to remind you, dear friend: you are loved SO MUCH. You are such a bright light in my life and in the life of so many. Your heart is so full of life, love and gifts to share in this world. There is no employement status, no electricity bill, no amount of money on a bank account that will EVER change that. And your depression doesn’t take that away either. There is such a vibrant spark of life within you. I can’t even find the right words to express how it feels to just see you on streams and read your messages. Even through the coldness of a computer screen, I can feel all the warmth that comes from your heart, and that is such a wonderful gift you have continuously gave us here in this community. Your presence is a blessing, and we’re here for you - always. Through the good and the bad, for the jokes and the serious matters.
This situation with your work is so frustrating because you are left with not really any other choice but waiting. And in the meantime, life keeps happening, responsibilities keeps accumulating, and reminders of what you can’t do at the moment keeps appearing. You are not on hold though. You are still growing, learning, thriving through your depression as well. It might not be seen, acknowledged or celebrated by people who don’t see it, but you know we see it here, and that is so important. I know how deep these battles are and how consuming it is to feel like you have to fight against yourself in order to have a sense of normalcy in your life. You are not your enemy though. You are not useless. You are not a burden. The circumstances right now don’t define you. They are outside of you. They are beyond your control, but sooner or later things will get back to “normal” one way or another.
Please never be “normal”, that would be so sad and boring. But do all that is needed to be at peace and live the life you want and deserve, and know that we’ll keep encouraging you through it all. You are enough as you are and you are such a treasure of a human being. Opportunities to reach your goal, to feel in movement and moving on in your life will keep arising. In the meantime, it’s also important to try to give yourself the credit you deserve. It’s incredibly hard to have to wait while feeling like your hands are tied. That alone takes a lot of perseverance, resilience and strength. That’s who you are, Busta. You’re not giving up. You’re not saying “I’m too messed up to keep going”. You’re actually screaming how much you WANT the life you deserve. And you will. Not because the stars will magically align together. But because you have all that it takes within you to move forward.
I don’t know if we can’t stop having those horrible thoughts about ourselves when we feel very vulnerable. Depression is like this stupid veil that makes everything - especially ourselves - look like it’s not good or interesting enough. However, I’d like to say that what you did right here, sharing your heart the way you did, is a great strength in itself. Because you don’t just think “I’m a burden” and then you’d let yourself drown endlessly. No. You went here. You’ve shared about what’s going on. You’ve distanced yourself with these thoughts and understood that something isn’t helping there. And you said it yourself: writing helps, which I 100% agree with.
Just creating this distance with these thoughts IS a huge thing, because it will allow you more and more to react differently to it. It will give you more and more choice. We can’t necessarily control how we feel, especially if we’ve been used to feel and react a certain way in some circumstances. It takes time to unlearn those patterns of thoughts and behaviors. But we can learn to welcome those feelings as they are, distance ourselves a little more from them, confide in the truth that it’s not going to feel that deep and hurt that much forever, that the next day solutions could be found with the help of the people we love, that we are not alone. Sometimes there are times for emotions only. And then there are times for thinking about our next steps.
It feels like these moments define everything that we are. But they don’t. You are not your depression. You are not your doubts. You are not your job status. These happen to be part of you and part of your life, but it would be so reductive to define you only through these elements. You are BUSTA, gosh dangit! An incredible sunshine who also needs their part of hugs and warmth during rough times. This life is tough, unfair and full of so many hurdles. But we are walking on each of our paths TOGETHER. I’m rooting for you. I believe in you so much. Take our love, our certainty, our grace, our encouragement if you feel like you can’t give it to yourself right now. We’ll never run out of it for you. We love you.