So I typed earlier about my boyfriend but I never gave the full story.
Let me start by saying he was the first man I had a long term with…first man I really gave myself up to sexually. He was the first man I told my mama about and the way he and I laughed…the jokes were endless.and before I knew it he lied about being single and got married to another woman.
He claimed he didn’t want to get married to her…that he didn’t even propose and it was forced. We worked at the same job and I heard people talking about it…saying he didn’t want to marry her and was planning not to go through with it. But then he did…and my world was shattered.
He cried to me that he didn’t want it, that I was his best friend…that he did it out of guilt of her always being there for him, especially when he went to jail…something I never judged him for as he had a traumatic childhood.
I stayed but it made me moody and a secret. I was sad a lot and always wondering if our relationship would ever really start. I was the mistress.
He has a lot of anger issues and would explode on me and name call…yet he was very possessive. It became difficult and one day I saw him punch a window and get sedated and taken to the hospital. A month later I really wanted to know where our relationship was going and he yelled at me. I cried. Every time I cry he makes fun of me…and then apologizes days later.We broke up and stopped talking for months.
Last month he reached out to me, apologized and said he thinks of me everyday. He apologized how he treated me. I realized I still loved him. We talked about his traumatic childhood and his triggers. He told me he’s still planning to leave his wife…that it’s hard but that she knows he wants to move forward. I told him he made some of the best moments in my life and some of the hardest. I wanted his children and to be the woman on his arm.his wife knows he cheated after going through his phone while he was at the hospital.
We kept talking. Everyday. I feel drawn in again but moody because he wants to establish a friendship. I feel triggered from time to time and exploded a few times. Emotionally I feel so up and down. It’s so natural to talk to him but I expressed I’m having a hard time moving forward in grief…that I still get a lot of flashbacks. He said I need to let go and that I’m playing the blame game. That my negativity is draining him. But it’s hard to be friends after everything we went through. I still want to be his lover…and couldn’t imagine him with anyone else.I don’t look at any other men and don’t want to get sexually involved with anyone else.
We fought today. It’s all my fault. Why can’t I just be cool so we can maintain something? I feel so confused. I moved to a new town but saw him last week and we kissed. He wants a friendship but how is that friends? I can’t talk to anyone about it because so many people acted as a support group when I broke up with him. He’s doing so much better and is in therapy but the flashbacks keep hitting me. I feel like a fool and afraid to ever date again. I don’t feel lovable and I feel crazy. He said I’m being over emotional. Is this true? Im trying to let the past go…but it’s deep inside and triggers without warning.