I can’t move on

So I typed earlier about my boyfriend but I never gave the full story.

Let me start by saying he was the first man I had a long term with…first man I really gave myself up to sexually. He was the first man I told my mama about and the way he and I laughed…the jokes were endless.and before I knew it he lied about being single and got married to another woman.

He claimed he didn’t want to get married to her…that he didn’t even propose and it was forced. We worked at the same job and I heard people talking about it…saying he didn’t want to marry her and was planning not to go through with it. But then he did…and my world was shattered.

He cried to me that he didn’t want it, that I was his best friend…that he did it out of guilt of her always being there for him, especially when he went to jail…something I never judged him for as he had a traumatic childhood.
I stayed but it made me moody and a secret. I was sad a lot and always wondering if our relationship would ever really start. I was the mistress.
He has a lot of anger issues and would explode on me and name call…yet he was very possessive. It became difficult and one day I saw him punch a window and get sedated and taken to the hospital. A month later I really wanted to know where our relationship was going and he yelled at me. I cried. Every time I cry he makes fun of me…and then apologizes days later.We broke up and stopped talking for months.

Last month he reached out to me, apologized and said he thinks of me everyday. He apologized how he treated me. I realized I still loved him. We talked about his traumatic childhood and his triggers. He told me he’s still planning to leave his wife…that it’s hard but that she knows he wants to move forward. I told him he made some of the best moments in my life and some of the hardest. I wanted his children and to be the woman on his arm.his wife knows he cheated after going through his phone while he was at the hospital.

We kept talking. Everyday. I feel drawn in again but moody because he wants to establish a friendship. I feel triggered from time to time and exploded a few times. Emotionally I feel so up and down. It’s so natural to talk to him but I expressed I’m having a hard time moving forward in grief…that I still get a lot of flashbacks. He said I need to let go and that I’m playing the blame game. That my negativity is draining him. But it’s hard to be friends after everything we went through. I still want to be his lover…and couldn’t imagine him with anyone else.I don’t look at any other men and don’t want to get sexually involved with anyone else.
We fought today. It’s all my fault. Why can’t I just be cool so we can maintain something? I feel so confused. I moved to a new town but saw him last week and we kissed. He wants a friendship but how is that friends? I can’t talk to anyone about it because so many people acted as a support group when I broke up with him. He’s doing so much better and is in therapy but the flashbacks keep hitting me. I feel like a fool and afraid to ever date again. I don’t feel lovable and I feel crazy. He said I’m being over emotional. Is this true? Im trying to let the past go…but it’s deep inside and triggers without warning.

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Thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad you’re here, and I’m glad you’re talking it out!

There’s a lot to unpack, but the tl;dr is this:

  1. You are lovable.
  2. You’re not crazy.
  3. Emotional is relative.
  4. (and this is the important one) You’re in love, and that screws with people’s brains!!!

There’s 100% nothing wrong with being in love (and often, there’s nothing we can even do about it, other than wait it out), but you need to make sure you tell yourself that your feelings are just feelings - nothing more. There’s no substance to feelings, nothing tangible, and your feelings could change day-to-day, or even moment-to-moment (they’ll play tricks on you, too)! When you’re in love, and your brain chemistry is bouncing off the walls, so you need to tell your brain to go to battle against your heart!

When your feelings are going nuts, remind yourself that it’s only your feelings, and those feelings will pass eventually. Keep telling yourself that, over and over, and try to settle your brain into that habit! You’ll still have feelings, and they’ll still overwhelm you sometimes, but the more you tell yourself that “they’re just feelings,” the more you’ll be able to manage them, and you’ll come out the other side a little more settled, and a little more calm!

I think you probably already know in your head whether or not you SHOULD want to be with him - you know what he’s like, his decision-making, how he treats you, how you treat him, etc. - but your heart is still tugging you around! You need to be aware of that (and you are), and you need to know what to tell yourself when that happens (and now you do)!

Finally, make sure you’re talking care of you first! Make sure you’re eating right, sleeping, exercising - doing whatever you can to make sure your brain is in good shape to fight! And remember that we’re all rooting for you! Good luck!

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Hello!

When considering marriage or an approximate emotional investment you need to consider what the other person in the relationship does with you and to you and for you, whether you are a better person around them, and if you can start building a relationship solid enough to last as long as you want with them rather than thinking about how good they make you feel. We are built to feel good when in intimate relationships and very good when in sexual relationships. We are also built to want to join into and be a part of these kinds of relationships. We are built to want to stay in established sexual relationships. This does not mean that doing so is always good for us.

This relationship sounds like it is toxic. This man has mental illness, the kinds of maladaptive thinking patterns that sometimes accompany mental illness, and he has lied about something rather important. I have mental illness, too. I am unstable because of it. If I were to allow myself to lie about something as important as being married I think that I would probably lose touch with reality and lose all self-control. This man will tell you anything if he thinks it will entice you to stay. I suggest that you completely cut ties with him. Block his calls. Firmly state that the relationship is over. Assume that he will keep coming until he hits a hard wall. You might want pepper spray or a taser. People who lie can go to fantastic lengths of unreality even when they aren’t manic.

You are automatically balancing the good thoughts of your relationship with the bad things that have happened and I think that this is good. Many people do not do this. I have heard that remembering the bad things helps mend a broken heart and that keeping a list of everything wrong in a relationship that broke your heart on a notepad on your phone and looking at it whenever you feel the pain of losing that relationship speeds healing.

I think being emotionally sensitive is an asset. Being a cynic is too easy in this world and little or no joy comes from it. I do not like one person saying that another should ignore their emotions so that the first might have what they want at the expense of the second’s happiness. When you are told to grow thicker skin then it is time to find company that can respect you as a person.

I think that you are doing great. Please keep going.

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Hey, thank you for sharing your story. PaulTGG posted what I think is a great reply that I kinda want to build on. And sorry this is kind of long but, I tried to trim it down but I felt this was all important!

I understand you shared a lot with this man. That everything went so perfectly at first that even when he cheated on you, left you for another woman, and was emotionally and physically abusive towards you (I am sorry if that is hard to hear, but screaming at you, breaking things when he got mad, being possessive, making fun of you for crying - that is abuse), you are still holding on to what you shared. You still feel that you love him.

I will echo what PaulTGG said about feelings just being feelings that do not often always have a reasonable or even realistic base. Let’s take a look at it. This ex has not treated you well. He lied to you and made fun of you during your most vulnerable times. He kept you as his mistress instead of giving you a full, true, loving relationship like you deserve. He claims he didn’t want to marry this other woman, but did it anyway, even tho he did not have to, and even tho he knew it would break your heart. And the fact that he got physically violent really scares me. This is typical of abusive men and often means it’s only a matter of time before he hits you.

It seems he’s focused all on himself. He cried about how he didn’t want to get married, but he did it anyway. He lied to you for your whole relationship about being single. Did he consider how lying and then marrying someone else would break your heart? How disrespectful it was to you? And now that you’re talking again, it is still all about him, his traumatic childhood, accusing you of “playing the blame game” like you are at fault. He is bringing these things up to guilt you. Because he knows HE is the one at fault, HE acted wrong. He cheated, he lied, he was abusive.

He is trying to guilt you into being his mistress again because he thinks you’ll settle for so little. He knows you still have feelings for him and since you were his mistress before, he thinks you’ll be content with just that again.

I know it’s hard to pull away from the good times you shared, but I really hope for your own sake you realize you deserve WAY more than what he is offering. Remember your good times were discounted by his lying about being single. You deserve a man who wants you and only you. Who won’t lie or cheat on you, or make fun of you, or get physically violent.

Please stay away from your ex. No matter if he leaves his wife or not, stay away, because so far he has shown that he thinks you’re not worth an honest, loving relationship. He thinks you’re only worth “mistress,” he thinks he can yell at and make fun of you.

You are worth WAY more than this and you know it! The fact that you were upset when your relationship was a secret is evidence enough that you knew you should have better. I hope you can cut off all contact with him. You are NOT obligated to talk to or support him no matter what he’s going through. I hope you will take care of yourself and give your love to someone who will cherish it :). Please come back to hs and talk anytime you need :slight_smile:

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