I can’t relapse if I’m not here

I’m tired of these thoughts. The constant ideas of how I can end my life. The memories of abuse and still the limitations on what I can and can’t do. I’m travelling to France to stay with someone I’ve become very close with from NA and my parents are freaking out trying to make me cancel. I mean, they even have an app that tracks where I am, when I’m there, how long I’m there etc. I’m 22 and I can’t do anything without that. I’m at my limit. I thought I’d hit it last night but I was wrong, today is that day. I’m writing this in the worst state I’ve been in mentally for a long time. I got home and stacked up my medication and alcohol ready for the pain to just end. I relapsed in my self harm after 46 days and not just once. I cut again yesterday and again today. I’m tired and exhausted, the people I love and trust have put so much energy in but I just can’t convince myself to feel it and allow it. I love the people of this community and I cant even help you. What use do I have… I don’t know how to let the love in for myself either The only reason I didn’t overdose was because my friend came and picked me up - she didn’t want me sat there with it all. What happens now I’m home? What happens when she moves away next week? 12 years of cutting and 6 years of using, I actually had hope that maybe I could be free of it one day, but now suicide is the only solution. I want to be able to feel the love and support, I just don’t know how to and I don’t know if I can go on much longer. I just want the pain to end and it won’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t escape it. But… I can’t suffer or relapse if I’m dead right?


Suicide is not the only solution.

You are not better off dead.

Suicide doesn’t solve it all it just makes it so things CAN’T get better.

It’s hard, I know.

You’ve been someone I turn to here and there. You helped me throughout the months of struggle.

I dont want to make this about me but Kayla I relate to the relapse and those thoughts; relapse after 70 days and im just like why did I do that why- this should be 80 days now not just 1. But we celebrate clean time.

Don’t focus on the relapse, focus on the clean time. Pick yourself back up. We are here to help and you know that. We love you.

You are a staple in the community and in a lot of lives.

Keep fighting.

We are here.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)

Dear Kayla,

I love you. I wish you had more support at home, and more sympathetic surroundings. I feel for you that you are hurting and frustrated, and I hear you about not being able to feel love you know people have for you. You are loved anyway. No matter what. Useful, useless, no clean days or years of recovery time doesn’t matter, you are still loved. I am still getting used to the idea of unconditional love myself, but it’s there and it’s real.

What you say in your title sounds logical, but you can’t be clean when you’re dead either. Recovery is talked about it like it is a singular thing you get or get to, a static goal, something you can check off on a list. But being clean is a verb and a process, and it only counts when you are alive. Which sucks because it is grueling and uncomfortable and it would be so nice to just be done with it: bam I’m clean, I’m recovered, I’m done. Cross the finish line and get the medal after the marathon. Get on with other things. Me, I am much better at things where I can get to the end of the goal and move on.
I see people with tattoos of their clean date and think if that were me, I’d have an entire arm full of crossed out dates from relapsing (more likely both arms and at least one leg) because that’s how I experience recovery. Everyone is different but some people are more different than others, and that’s ok. You need to do what works for you, but you can’t do it if you aren’t alive. Step 0 is staying alive, if you want to put it in NA terms. We are here for you, no matter what.

Hey @Kayla,

You’ve probably heard me say this a thousand times and I’m going to say it again because I firmly believe it: I understand how difficult it can be to cope with the realization of relapsing, but be kind to yourself and be proud that you made it 46 days clean! Don’t focus about the toxic thought of not being able to relapse if you eliminate yourself - instead, realize that you’ll lose out on the opportunity to get better. The more consistently you make a combo of clean days, the more of a habit it’ll become. You’re strong. You’ve made it a whole 22 years!! Take each day step by step, and we’re here for you to help you along.