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I can’t see myself living past 20


#1

Greetings. I just joined mainly just because I have no one to trust, so I might as well as just start.
FYI, this is most likely one long rant that I’ve spent over an hour writing about, so be prepared for some foolish reasons as to why I cannot see myself living past 20.
As stupid as it sounds, this is going to be extremely difficult for me to tell as it’s an unbelievably stupid story.
I grew up with parents that were never around, really, so I was practically raised by family friends that actually treated me like a family member (keep this in mind for later). My mother’s parents moved in with us around November 2012 as my mother was about to give birth to my younger (now actual demon) sibling. Ever since they moved in, again, as stupid and cliche as It might sound, my life has been absolute hell. I can’t even count how many times they’ve disgraced me, threatened to kick me out of my own house, call me trash, and just flat out scoff at me whenever I try and tell them anything. It has progressively gotten worse, and that’s just the beginning.
My father moved out (though, still married to my mother) in 2015 to live two states over. Now, that man is most likely one of the closest people I’ll ever meet that’s like Satan. He’s a narcissist, to begin with, and he’s a master manipulator. He guilts me into spending time with him then asks me about my romantic life (which I don’t have as I’m just 14. Yes, 14. Overreaction to everything? Probably, but hey, that’s what teenagers do, am I right?), my sexual orientation, and even compares his “friend” (also known as his sugar baby. Fun fact: during Easter 2016, I found out about him cheating and had to be the one to tell my mother and show her all 165 screenshots I took of the conversations between the sugar baby and my father. Quite scarring.) whenever he visits, he only visits for me alone, as I am his favorite human and without me residing in this hellhole house, he’d be long gone. He’s quite hated by literally all who have met him aside from his own demon spawn family that is their own cartel in California from what I’ve seen from bank statements and supplies in their houses. Moving on, let’s get to more of my mentally damaging past.
I was homeschooled until 2015, knowing absolutely no one and lived in my own little world away from everything. I was happy, arrogant most definitely, and naive. But that changed when my father visited for my 11th birthday. I was having a really bad day the day before my birthday and snarked at him to leave me alone. He didn’t like that and thought it was a genius idea to get me to enroll in school to make me learn respect. I spent my 11th birthday crying in a corner with my door locked. Eating and drinking nothing until I was forced to come out and leave to take the placement test for the new school I was joining. Now, before I mention those three years of hell, I have to add in a very important factor into everything. Religion. My mother’s side of the family is very religious as my grandfather and uncle are pastors. My mother was a church worker and her mother still continues to be one. If you couldn’t tell already, I most certainly am not religious because of how corrupt my “family” have made it. I will not go into all the disgusting details, but it was manipulative and they never bring up the dark things. furthermore, this factor contributed to the reason why I was forced to enroll in a private Lutheran school. Dear lord, it was hell on earth. I don’t mean that lightly one bit.
As I was homeschooled, I didn’t know much (my mother didn’t do much to teach me and never really disciplined me into doing my work. Also, She blames me completely for having to be held back a grade). And as a result, I was held back. Hit number one of many from that school. In 6th grade, the grade now higher than what I was going to be categorized in, I actually had known more than half of that class from being dragged to church for my entire life prior. Though I considered one girl my best friend, we never really were friends. I was destroyed completely, having to walk into that school on my first day in shape, knowing that the people that I was supposed to be in the same grade with knew that I was held back. It didn’t help that the grade I was moved down to was the cruelest grade in the school. The people there were mean and vicious, and one of them later on even almost got me arrested until false accusations from her herself. My already declined mental health plummeted, and within those three years I was at that school, I tried ending my life a total of 387 times. Unless it was a clean kill I would have to conceal whatever aftermath I had remained on my body, otherwise, my mother would disown me and throw me into an insane asylum. In seventh grade, the closest person whom I considered a brother started dating the girl that would literally ruin my life not even a year later. That girl ruined my reputation a total of five times that year alone, each time progressively worse. As that school was small, everyone heard everything from her. She was practically the queen that everyone bowed down to. I was considered a slut all the way up to when I left. Last summer, the guy I considered my brother and the girl that would take everything away finally broke up, but little did I know that she’d take everything out on me. September 29, just 19 days over 3 years from the events that caused me to be in that place anyway, I was being accused of cyberbullying and harassing the chick that had been bullying and harassing me all along. A little context, her ex and I created a private Instagram account called th.ot.detecte.d and it only had 2 followers and it was literally just me and him posting dumb photos of us and our friends. Literally nothing about this chick. Well, the chick said it was all photos of her and I harassed her with “fake Snapchat accounts”. Mind you, I literally had her blocked on almost EVERYTHING lol. So the school went on lockdown for two days. I had a fan account with over 3,000 followers where I was posting about everything that’s going on because I couldn’t believe what the hell was going on. Well, people started getting called to the office, and they even dismissed the students two by two to get changed to pe to avoid drama and confrontation. that first day, the chick ran out of the room crying (though I’m damn sure it was just an act because I didn’t do jackshit to this chick.) and my friend snapped his fingers at me to contact my mother. The night prior, he and I had the plan of having our mothers on standby so in case we were called to the office, they could get to the school. (Apologies for incorrect grammar, I’m currently shaking as these events still haunt me) Well, my mother called the school and our homeroom teacher took away all of our iPads because I had texted her. I remember her exact words after she got off the phone with the office. “Well, it seems that some of us are contacting our mommies and daddies about going to the office, so we’re going to have to take away all of your devices.” Yes, that’s right. We weren’t allowed to contact our parents at all. We were only allowed to have iPads, and even then we weren’t allowed to text our parents. I was terrified. Everyone was furious at me for taking away their devices and I, most likely having some sort of a panic disorder as almost everything sets me off into a panic attack, was hyperventilating even more, but no one cared as I was the monster in that school. That second day, a Friday, was when I was called into the office. I’m not going to explain all of my emotions and the conversation because it still sends me into a panic, but essentially they claimed I was harassing the chick because I was jealous she was dating my best friend (who I considered as I brother, mind you) and as a result ruined everything for her and gave her panic attacks. On top of that, they said the police were involved and I was going to probably face charges and be sent to juvenile. Fun, right? After the meeting, I ran to the bathrooms and broke down in the big stall. I couldn’t breathe, think, or even get it all together. I saw my life just be thrown away into jail as no one wants to hire someone who has been to jail. I broke down in lunch that day and went into the office only saying five words. “I want to go home,” they said they called my mother. They never did. When my mother saw me breaking down in that glass cage known as an office she ran in yelling at the secretary. The secretary immediately yelled at me “DID YOU TEXT HER?!”. My mother was in a meeting with the staff for almost two hours until I finally got to leave at almost 5 PM. My mother let me skip that Monday, but the school staff had stalked my Instagrams and uncovered three of the like 8 I had. (I had a personal, two or three fan accounts, an art account, an account I shared with my cousins, and probably more fam accounts. I don’t remember anymore.) and called my own mother telling her the users and saying I’m a danger to society. I was transferred two days later.
I lost all the friends I had ever known as the staff made my ex-best friend (the one who co-owned the Instagram account with me) block me for months on end. He only started following me not even a month ago.
After that whole ordeal with the school, I’ve never stopped having PTSD or flashbacks from that place. My trust issues have gotten so bad I’ve cut off every single person that remained. The people that people would say I consider friends are never trusted and will never be told anything. I’ve completely isolated myself from the world.
Remember the family friends that raised me? The demon child that claims is my sister said they were never my family and they never will be. My “grandmother” also said the same and told that sibling to leave me alone as “when she’s in a crabby mood, you want to stay away from her” when I was trying to defend the people I consider family.
The final blow was back in 2017. One of my beloved cats that were the reason I still was living through it all had died from kidney failure. She was supposed to die when she was diagnosed as her levels were the worst the vet had ever seen, but she lived for an entire month after. She lived (again, as stupid as it seems, but I knew my damn cat) because she knew I’d be a mess. After her death, I developed severe death anxiety (which I still have) and I now am always hearing 2-6 years left until her brother dies as well.
I don’t see myself living past 20.
I’ve given up on everything I’ve ever liked.
And, I’m a considerable mess. On Thursday I had two panic attacks during school. When I begged my mother to take me home she said no and to suck it up as she was at work and didn’t feel like taking me home. My mother cares more about her reputation and her job more than the child she claims she cares more about. (It’s an actual lie. It’s a tactic to get me to stay with her to spite my own father who is trying to do the same.)
I’m a literal pawn my parents try to use against each other, and it’s a damn mess.
Now, the only reason why I still live to tell this pathetic story is for a pathetic reason. My cat as I cannot bear the thought of leaving him on this wretched planet amongst the likes of them. Also known as my “family”, or as I like to call them, my tormentors.
If you’re still reading this,
Congratulations! You’ve just read about seven years of my life in a summary.
Am I overreacting? Most likely. But still, it’s one hellish mess.


#2

Wow,

That girl literally ruined your life. I really don’t know what to say there just so many problems that you are going through will nil family support. But heyyoooo that’s why heartsupports here right? I mean if You wanna talk to me from time to time to rant I always free. You must feel like sh.it right now honestly I would feeling the same way to. All these things happening outside of your control. Hey but reply soon you sound like an amazing down to earth person. Hey we’re all here for you don’t worry :heart: