I canceled

So, where do i start?
I’m sitting here writing this . 6 hours later. Around 4:50 pm Eastern Time i was supposed to be hanging with this guy who I have known since my freshman year of high school . He is an old friend’s ex-boyfriend . Our friend group was weird in high school . especially mine and his senior year of high school . our friend group was My now ex , my ex’s friend , him and I and sometimes my other friend .
Fast forward to 2/16/20201 I realized he was in my Science class in college . Never known he was cause he sat in the back , I set in the front in my corner. we talked after class for like 5 minutes. we went our separate ways . Fast forward to around maybe 6 am or 7 am he found my Instagram , i accepted it cause why not . I want to keep in touch of my old classmates . He immediately says in direct messages, “Ashley , I have something to tell you . would you go out with me .” then goes on to say I wont cheat on you . ( I was cheated on once.) I didn’t really respond to that and asked when I was free and asked if I was free Friday. and I was like yes . He assumed I wanted to hang out. (He didn’t ask if i wanted to hang out) so I just , I guess I just went with it I don’t know . Probably because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings . He gave me his number I texted him . He called me princess. I wasn’t ok with that but I didn’t tell him that. Something else then happened , He told me he would keep me safe . This was all because he liked me but I don’t like him that way. (I’m sorta um crushing on a country guy, long distance but the country dude doesn’t know). Any who, then It was Thursday me and my mother talked about Fridays plans and I ended up saying oh he assumed and I didn’t want to do it and she told me I should cancel or something along those lines . Another thing is he found my snapchat . I ended up declining the request . I ended up canceling plans by saying " Hey sorry , but I am going to have to do a rain check something came up and i got to get that taken care of. I hope you understand :)". After I sent that he immediately apologized for wasting my time . I told him no need to be sorry . He told me to let him know when he wants to hang . Haven’t responded since . I feel bad for doing this to him but I know I need to take care of my self first .
I just don’t know how to feel after this. I don’t know how to feel.

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There are three scenarios here that I think I am reading here:

  1. He’s in a new environment and wants to cling to something familiar. You are it.
  2. He definitely moving too fast. When I went to college I knew two people from another HS opposite the one I attended prior. I would never stalk that person (although I went to college long before insta and snapchat. MySpace was all the rage back then).

When I read it as Scenario 1 it could be that he is misplacing his feelings of familiarity with romantic feelings. However, he is also slightly insecure and lacks the etiquette in how to “court” a lady or gentleman in the digital age.

Scenario 2 is in red flag territory. Anyone who calls you princess before he declares you his prince is definitely looking for something else. Something that could lead both of you down a dark path. Which also means your instincts saved you.

I wouldn’t feel too bad if it was the latter.

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I deffinently agree with you at this 100% , something that he also did respondis " But ok just let me know when you can hang out."
Also im so dang tired of red flags . I’ve already dealt with it once dont want to deal with it again. The thing is why do younger guys always catch feelings for me . (I am 21 hes 20) … i also think theres some maturity issues there but not sure about that. I also have alot of the recipts for this too . A song that I feel represents this current situation is I Can’t By Lauren Cimorelli , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFr2_9D-pl0. I dont know why though i guess because of how i was/am feeling about this situation.
thanks for responding :slight_smile:.

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Update:
He messaged saying “Are you Afraid of dating again”. which i had responded with “first of all I’m not afraid of dating . I prefer being single while i can. Second of all , i don’t date peoples ex’s even though i don’t have contact with them anymore. I just think dating people’s ex’s is wrong.”
Which the time i am single I prefer to work on myself.
The next message(s) were " but its been a long time since I’ve ( him ) have dated." The the response of " So you wouldn’t give me a chance to prove that I’m a wonderful person."
Then apologizes . I told him he was fine no need to be sorry . I dont want him to feel bad . He tried . Was I in the wrong for this or?

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From personal experience, guys are typically the ones getting rejected, not the ones doing the rejecting. After awhile, if they’re insecure, they (myself included) may adopt a victim mentality. Poor them, no one will give them a chance to just see how wonderful they are. They then try to leverage the pity and guilt angles to get a date.

Then it happened to me. One girl got really clingy after the first date. I gave it a couple weeks to see if my feelings changed, but when they didn’t and I tried to back away, she said things along the lines of “just give me a chance, what am I doing wrong, I can change, I can be so good to you, please!” Cringeworthy, right? I started doing a lot of self reflection after that. I realized the “nice guys who finish last” are pathetic manipulators. Maybe they don’t use or abuse women, but they think that by that virtue they’re owed a chance to date them. I felt disgusted with myself for all the times I had thought or said ugly things about women who simply weren’t interested in me. I realized no one owed me “a chance,” and furthermore that begging for an audition was debasing. Sure I felt lonely and got tired of rejection just the same as always; but I realized adopting a victim mentality was only hurting my self esteem, and the mindset that any woman who wouldn’t go out with me was a bitch was just making me bitter.

You’ve made your position clear, and it sounds like you did it in a kind enough manner. You have nothing left to apologize for, and you owe him nothing. If he needs telling one more time, say “look, I’m just not interested.” He can be spiteful, he can say ugly things to you or about you, but none of that is your concern. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate blah blah blah, your only responsibility is to yourself.

Hey thank you for responding .
I totally agree with what you are saying 100% .
im just going to take this time to work on myself cause before i date again i need to be the best i can be.
And also i think he is still friends with my ex who cheated on me . There was also another situation close to this stating that i was suppose to have a guy over around 2019 or before covid , the guy would ask what we would do etc , it got to a point of where i guess i probably would of been a “victum” wouldnt give me his name/lastname , (communicating through snapchat) i ended up ghosting him due to his actions and he blocked me . (this is a another guy that isnt retainign to this incident) . Probably ghosting wasnt a good idea but i kept my self dafe. anywho thanks again for responding
-Ash

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