I can't anymore & need this pain to end

I don’t have any energy left. I’m exhausted. So many tears again today. I can’t carry the weight of all this anymore. There’s no end in sight. My situation is complicated so there won’t be any changes to it any time soon. It’s going to be a very self-destructive week. It’s been back to out of control again. Trying to stay away isn’t an option. I can’t handle the terror of the urges on top of all that. I need to be relieved from all of this so badly.

There’s so much shame for existing, taking up others’ time, not functioning, calling things that happened trauma, calling my behaviors an addiction, for not being disciplined, for struggling for no reason, for labeling my mother as narcissistic, for having to cut off everyone to protect myself from more pain. When I was closest to taking action in committing suicide, I was told “you have everything”. More shame. I wish I’d never been born.


Blini, are you safe right now?
Have the people around you been telling you these things? That your trauma isn’t real and it’s just you lacking discipline?
Your trauma is very valid and the ways you’ve had to protect yourself are very valid too.
When parents make use of the “I give you…” line it hurts. Children aren’t meant to be held responsible for needing safety and love. It’s not meant to be a tabs system. You deserve genuine and free love.
You definitely do not take up time. I am so sorry you’ve been made to feel that way.
You have value solely because you are here. You don’t have to earn it, and you certainly shouldn’t be made to feel like you owe anyone for the small moments they make you feel it.

Your experiences are all valid. You as a person are enough and you do not owe anyone just for existing. Thank you for being here!


I’m so glad you posted @blini !
i’ve seen a couple deleted posts recently, and my heart hurt for you and I hoped that you knew that we’re here for you when you were ready to share. I’m so thankful you’re here and sharing with us. Thank you for your trust!

It sounds like a lot of things are going on right now, and all hitting you at once. Let me say that there is no shame here, not for posting, not for sharing , not for expressing anything. I hope you will feel safe here, and able to rest your brain for a second!

You know what? it sounds like things are hard for you. Would those things be hard for someone else? Maybe, maybe not, But guess what? No-one gets a prize for “best suffering done by a human”. There’s no one way to feel hurt or stressed. There’s no one legitimate cause of pain.

Perception is reality. If it is painful to you, then it’s painful to you

Wanna hear a secret? You can have everything… and also still struggle, still suffer, still not be at peace.

I’m glad you’re here… i’m proud of your struggles.

If you wanna get into any specifics for us to all sort of pitch in ideas of what can be done in a certain situation, we’re here for that too. But we are also here, to sit beside you, in your journey.
You matter. I’m glad you were born.


@ManekiNeko and @Sita
Thank you for your support and your kind words. I really appreciate it. It’s very valuable to know a place where you’re heard and not told to be annoying.

I’m still in bad place emotionally. I wish so, so badly to have a break from the pain. It’s been there for years. I’m so exhausted. I’m sorry to write this over and over again. It doesn’t pass and I know there’s still much more that’ll come up. My therapist said today “the way out of hell is through the front door”. I know it’ll pass some day. Whenever that’ll be. I just don’t have any energy anymore.


It’s totally okay to not have energy, and it’s totally understandable to need a break!
I am really proud of you for coming as far as you have and for acknowledging that you are struggling to fight through at this moment.
I so wish you could have some rest from all the hurt that’s been building up, you deserve it.
You are soooo seen and heard and valued and in no way would you ever be annoying.


Your therapist sounds to be pretty amazing, even though what they said can be very scary and frustrating. Though it is very true. When it comes to traumatic experiences especially, we have to do this ugly and absolutely unfair work of digging through the pain, feeling it, so we can stop rejecting it or trying to cope in an unhealthy way. Healing can only happen once we acknowledge our inner life, which can be freaking scary.

A first reaction - a very human one! - is avoidance. Whether it is by numbing our emotions or getting too busy to have the space to think and feel, or becoming whoever others need us to be. We can endure that for a long time, but at some point we also break down. It feels like the end. Like an impossible pack of hurt and pain to understand. Peace feels out of reach.

But you, @blini, are doing such healing and strong and amazing steps. Really.

And I know there is no reason for you to trust what we would say here, but your willingness is already a lot. Unlearning what has been forced into us is very hard, especially when we haven’t got any good or healthier example regarding our life, our worth, our right to exist for a long time. So, more than anything else: be patient with yourself. Be patient with your heart. It’s going through a storm and your expectations regarding healing will not always meet reality, or not at the time you would need, but that would never mean that you wouldn’t be doing the work. That your efforts wouldn’t be making a difference. That change wouldn’t be happening. This is about the depths of your heart. Solid foundations in your life. You deserve to feel free from this feeling that things are constantly on a fine line, about to collapse. You deserve to live, not to survive.

Somehow, when we learn to heal from traumas and addictions, we also learn 1) to discover who we are without layers of protective mechanisms accumulated, 2) to understand what healing means to us personally, 3) to understand that feelings don’t necessarily equal truth - that those can be pretty misleading, even if always absolutely valid.

I am glad that you have a therapist and I hope they feel safe to you. Here you are more than allowed to express yourself as much as needed, even if you feel like a broken record. You might hit the same walls again and again and that is okay. You are doing the work. You are not avoiding your emotions. Your are not just giving in. You have a foot on both sides and you see complexity, even probably what feels like an overwhelming mess. But you are on the right path. And I hope that in times of confusion, of doubts and fears, these words could be something grounding to you.

Rest assured that, you have friends right here who are not going to let you drown in it either. It is an honor and privilege to be by your side through all of this. We are not going to be frustrated, impatient or expecting anything unfair. This is about you. Your time. Your heart. We, here, follow your pace. (and if someone doesn’t they’re going to lovingly hear about me 8))

No judgment. No pressure. Only human beings being human beings. And what a privilege. What an honor to not having to be someone we’re not. Not having to run away, hide, be on edge or questioning everything. This is something I have learned to actually experience and embrace thanks to this community, through the 3 years something I’ve been here. That is all that I wish for you. This peace for your mind and heart, so you would have more space in your life to welcome what is good, healthy, and safe. This reassurance and inner knowledge that, even during times when your heart may feel completely shattered and in acute pain, there is hope, there is something else to this life, there are experiences that are worth it.

For what it’s worth from me, I’m proud of you. Your bravery deserves to be celebrated. Yes the world keeps turning but right here, right now, there is something so incredibly important happening in the expression of your own vulnerability.

Thank you for allowing us to be by your side. :hrtlegolove:


I wasn’t wrong with that. Today’s been another day of me being lost in those behaviors. I’ve been close to fainting again. My hands are still shaking. I’m lightheaded. All I can think about is to get the stuff tomorrow again. I can’t function in this society. The only thing that comes to mind when I think about reasons not to end it all is to engage more in those behaviors.

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Are you safe right now @blini?

So sorry this week has been particularly difficult.

You are not failing. You are struggling, which makes all the difference.


you’re trying to survive, using the tolls you have on hand. Those tools aren’t always the best or the healthiest, but we use what we have.

But in surviving using these tools, please be safe as possible, be with others who can help/monitor/take care of you. If these tools are making it worse, then consider what other options you have that could replace these behaviours.

We won’t judge you. We’re proud of you trying so hard. We’re here for you, to help however we can.


I’m safe right now. I’m questioning whether I want to stay on this path that doesn’t lead anywhere.

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I think that’s a healthy thing to ask yourself. Though I hope it is not asked with the perspective that no other path would be possible for you in this life. Because that would not be true. It’s just hard to envision something different, especially right now.

If I can give my two cents, I don’t think you want to stay on this path. Being here and reaching out as you’ve been doing shows that. It shows this side of you that’s fed up and tired of these ways to cope and survival mode.

There is a potential for healing in the frustration - and despair - that this situation causes. Though it is not hopeless as long as you are here with us. As long as you have breath in your lungs.


"Thunder in our hearts, courage in our eyes
We’re standing tall
Follow you my friend to the very end
We’ll never fall

Climb the mountain path
Firestone and bones of the past
Dawn of light we see
Wilderness of hope faces me"

Hope this music could bring a bit of peace to your heart today. :hrtlegolove:


It’s rather the path of life in general. For years, I’ve constantly been close to the point of saying it’s enough, of making plans, of thinking about ways to end it. There’s so much regret of not having brought it to an end.
I won’t survive financially long enough. There aren’t any options, nothing I could do differently. I don’t know whether what I’m currently doing will lead to any improvement soon enough so I’d reach a level at which I could function. My thoughts rather go into a direction where I don’t even want this, so I get to a point at which I’d take the final decision.

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It is unfair that you’ve had to go through all of this and endure for most of your life.

I would like to ask: have you been carrying your burdens on your own most of the time? Not that it would be wrong or right. It’s just that I can feel how lonely and hopeless it is sometimes to feel forced to be self-reliant - because of life events, or even just the world as it is.

Right now, you are also emotionally drained - for very objective and valid reasons. Times like these are generally not good advisors to our mind, even if it feels very real and true.


I’ve always been convinced that I was the problem, probably I still am. My “burdens” aren’t even real. They were invalidated by family members, by mental health care professionals. I’m just lazy and have to get my act together. But I can’t do that anymore, not even for a single day. With my maximum efforts I only meet the minimum requirements, it’ll never be enough. I won’t do this anymore. If that’s the requirement for me to exist in this society and to pay my rent, I have to leave. It doesn’t make any difference, except that I’ll be relieved from my struggles even if I’m just making them up. No one will notice. I’m on my own anyway.

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You’ve learned to internalize this idea that you were the problem because others around you dismissed your struggles. They were not equipped to listen and hear you. Maybe they were not even willing to see you or understand as you deserved to be understood. It’s about them though. It’s about their perceptions. Even mental health care professionals are fallible.

When you are in pain, when your heart is heavy, even if you don’t understand yourself why, it is valid. Even if people don’t want to hear it or understand. Whether one person or a thousand people would tell you that you are wrong, they will never feel what you do.

It breaks my heart that you have been invalidated while you shared what you were struggling with/how you were feeling. It shouldn’t be so hard and full of obstacles to find the support we need in this world, especially from the people who are supposed to be the closest to us.

Their opinion don’t define how you feel. They don’t* own the privilege to tell you if what you feel is true or not. It is. Period.

Oftentimes telling to someone that they are the problem - or letting them believe that - is a convenient way to avoid speaking about the real issues, and really putting effort in a relationship. If not to completely ignore their own responsibility in the issue.

You are not at fault. You’ve never been at fault for struggling. And I have no doubt that if you would see someone in the same situation as yours, you would hear them, feel for them, and reassure them, without any judgment. I have seen you being so supportive. The way you express yourself, open your arms and virtually hold people safely. You deserve that too. Because you are not the problem. The problem is this addiction you are struggling with and makes you doubt of yourself over and over, but also the underlying reasons that were behind when you’ve started to use it to cope.

It’s not your fault. And this is not your forever.


I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve heard things like “it requires a community to overcome addiction” and “the opposite of addiction is connection”, but I cannot have connections with others. It’s a dead end.
I don’t know whether talking to a therapist once a week is enough to keep going and even overcome this, but that’s what I can afford and probably not even that long anymore.

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These statements have a part of truth. The idea at least, is that battling alone something that makes our mind a battlefield is extremely difficult. So, connections are particularly helpful and healing, indeed. Especially because it helps to get rid of the shame - and urge to isolate - that it creates. You name things. You learn to normalize them, but not to consider them normal either, as you are working on it at the same time.

Talking to a therapist is already a lot. Though when it comes to money, there might be ways to keep finding solutions and a sustainable support. I don’t know where you live and I don’t want to make you feel pressured of sharing it - especially not publicly. Though I wouldn’t mind at all trying to figure out practical solutions with you. There are often services that we’re not aware of, and require to open some doors here and there/ask questions.

May I ask if your therapist knows about your addiction? Have you felt comfortable naming these things to them?

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My therapist knows that it’s there. I refer to it occasionally when I talk about other things, but I don’t feel comfortable at all talking about it. There is a part of me that is massively protective of the addictive behaviors.

I tried to find services a couple of weeks ago, but there aren’t capacities and the way to get support is difficult. There’s also kind of a language barrier as I’m fluent only in one out of three official languages (unfortunately the least common one). I don’t have health insurance, which isn’t helping either.
The way to inpatient treatment would be to seek emergency hospitalization, that’s what someone told me when I tried to find some support. And that’s been the end to it. I have massive issues laying out my situation and never would I go to the hospital just like this cause I know it isn’t that bad.
I’ve been to a treatment center a couple of years ago. Everything got so much worse there. Inpatient also means being out of control of what’s happening and no privacy. I wouldn’t consider this a safe space.


I would believe that a strong step - one that would be extremely difficult yet a relief, would be to have the space and possibility to name it. Our struggles hold power over us as long as they remain hidden. Which is incredibly unfair. Because I hear and want to be completely respectful of your need to be protective about it. The discomfort and pressure that we can feel when it feels like there is one way but that way feels like dying, then it definitely needs to be considered safely.

I want to suggest that, if one day you would like to share it, even it’s literally dumping the thing in a DM and then closing it for the day, I would never mind and would absolutely never judge you. I know there is literally no guarantee to believe me. I can only say that, I have been where you are, holding on to this need to protect yourself to the point or being something that might keep you stuck too. And from the bottom of my heart, I don’t want that for you.

I know these things take time though. On the other hand I can feel this pressure and urge that you feel within. Through your words, your vulnerability, these steps back and forth. I see you. I understand the struggle. And I can assure you that I don’t personally intend to leave, lie to you, hurt you or judge you. My only hope for you is that you find the safety you need to heal, both with others and yourself.

The barrier language sucks - I’m sorry. I’m in a country where there are three official languages as well, though I’m glad I speak one of the most fluent ones. I can’t even begin to imagine how it is when speaking becomes an obstacle, especially when it is your first mean to communicate.

Would you be allowed/have access to health insurance at all? Or even a free type of service of some kind?

The emergency hospitalization can be helpful, but they are indeed not sustainable in the long run. Though if at some point you feel like you need it, if you strongly consider to hurt yourself/are in a dark spot, then it is always an option that is there. Even if it’s just to breathe for a few days, away from everything.

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