Your therapist sounds to be pretty amazing, even though what they said can be very scary and frustrating. Though it is very true. When it comes to traumatic experiences especially, we have to do this ugly and absolutely unfair work of digging through the pain, feeling it, so we can stop rejecting it or trying to cope in an unhealthy way. Healing can only happen once we acknowledge our inner life, which can be freaking scary.
A first reaction - a very human one! - is avoidance. Whether it is by numbing our emotions or getting too busy to have the space to think and feel, or becoming whoever others need us to be. We can endure that for a long time, but at some point we also break down. It feels like the end. Like an impossible pack of hurt and pain to understand. Peace feels out of reach.
But you, @blini, are doing such healing and strong and amazing steps. Really.
And I know there is no reason for you to trust what we would say here, but your willingness is already a lot. Unlearning what has been forced into us is very hard, especially when we haven’t got any good or healthier example regarding our life, our worth, our right to exist for a long time. So, more than anything else: be patient with yourself. Be patient with your heart. It’s going through a storm and your expectations regarding healing will not always meet reality, or not at the time you would need, but that would never mean that you wouldn’t be doing the work. That your efforts wouldn’t be making a difference. That change wouldn’t be happening. This is about the depths of your heart. Solid foundations in your life. You deserve to feel free from this feeling that things are constantly on a fine line, about to collapse. You deserve to live, not to survive.
Somehow, when we learn to heal from traumas and addictions, we also learn 1) to discover who we are without layers of protective mechanisms accumulated, 2) to understand what healing means to us personally, 3) to understand that feelings don’t necessarily equal truth - that those can be pretty misleading, even if always absolutely valid.
I am glad that you have a therapist and I hope they feel safe to you. Here you are more than allowed to express yourself as much as needed, even if you feel like a broken record. You might hit the same walls again and again and that is okay. You are doing the work. You are not avoiding your emotions. Your are not just giving in. You have a foot on both sides and you see complexity, even probably what feels like an overwhelming mess. But you are on the right path. And I hope that in times of confusion, of doubts and fears, these words could be something grounding to you.
Rest assured that, you have friends right here who are not going to let you drown in it either. It is an honor and privilege to be by your side through all of this. We are not going to be frustrated, impatient or expecting anything unfair. This is about you. Your time. Your heart. We, here, follow your pace. (and if someone doesn’t they’re going to lovingly hear about me 8))
No judgment. No pressure. Only human beings being human beings. And what a privilege. What an honor to not having to be someone we’re not. Not having to run away, hide, be on edge or questioning everything. This is something I have learned to actually experience and embrace thanks to this community, through the 3 years something I’ve been here. That is all that I wish for you. This peace for your mind and heart, so you would have more space in your life to welcome what is good, healthy, and safe. This reassurance and inner knowledge that, even during times when your heart may feel completely shattered and in acute pain, there is hope, there is something else to this life, there are experiences that are worth it.
For what it’s worth from me, I’m proud of you. Your bravery deserves to be celebrated. Yes the world keeps turning but right here, right now, there is something so incredibly important happening in the expression of your own vulnerability.
Thank you for allowing us to be by your side. 
