I can't anymore & need this pain to end

[blini]

The health insurance is accessible. It takes three months to get accepted. I asked for the insurance some time ago, but never received an invoice, so I don’t think they accepted me. I didn’t contact them again and preferred to save the money. The therapy is already expensive enough. (Mental health services aren’t covered by insurance where I live.) I’d have to take care of this.

It’s getting complicated because of my financial situation. Even if it worked out, the waiting time would be so long. I can’t make it through that many more months. But I think the biggest fear is the loss of control.

May I ask you how you overcame your issues that you mentioned in past replies? Did you have professional support with this?

Thank you for your support and showing up, Micro.

[Micro]

It’s getting complicated because of my financial situation. Even if it worked out, the waiting time would be so long. I can’t make it through that many more months. But I think the biggest fear is the loss of control.

I hear you. There is something positive in your situation though: you are aware of how it could be now, and not by surprise. So there might be help to seek somewhere, even if only to be redirect to specific services or receiving guidance regarding financial aids in the country you’re in. It may be difficult to access and frustrating, but a good social worker for example could be a real ally to you - by using their network and skills to inform you and support you as much as you need.

When you mention the loss of control, do you mean of your financial situation?

May I ask you how you overcame your issues that you mentioned in past replies? Did you have professional support with this?

Of course, you can always ask all the questions you want. Though I am far from being a pillar of experiences or wisdom.

I didn’t overcome them, in all honesty. I think I will always have a part of vulnerability in me, especially since some main issues I have are health-related. But I feel surely more stable and hopeful than I was like two years ago, which makes a big difference I think. It allows me to be more patient with myself, welcome my emotions more as they are without all of these extra layers of shame, guilt, self-blame, etc. If that makes sense. I never though that the cultivation of acceptance was something so fundamental. Always thought it was synonym of resignation!

What has helped me significantly so far was, I guess, a combination of different things. There really isn’t one solution. I’ve personally learned to see healing as a complex combination of things that we learn to be effective (and safe) to us personally. Hence why so many times we can’t stand the good old “try yoga!” type of advice.

Will try to write them as different “points”:

• Practicing vulnerability. I haven’t been able to disclose who I am or my story at once. It came by bits, little by little. A huge part of that has been indirectly practiced by helping others in this community. It has helped me learn to be vulnerable, because I could start to use my own story to help others - to create meaningful connections. It wasn’t just a burden to carry. It was also potentially something healing.

• Going to therapy - I’ve tried in the past and have only started again a year ago or so, maybe a little more. Saw a frustrating psychiatrist and another therapist before the one I currently see. She has been incredibly helpful in welcoming my voice respectfully. It’s interesting because the biggest thing for me was not really the content of the conversations, but really the fact that I had one hour when I would be the one who have a voice and can take all the space I want. SO uncomfortable. SO freaking scary. But I can tell that in this discomfort, there is something appealing. Something that makes me feel like “hm, I could get used to it, if you happen to be patient with me”.

• Taking antidepressants for the first time. I’ve been on it for one year now, and I can tell finally that it is really a relief to me. I’ve been scared most of my life of even asking that to a doctor. Life, terrified. But people in this community reassured me and shared their experiences too. It really helped. The medication itself has helped me to -100 for the “negative” emotions to +10 for the positives. Now I would say that it is more -5/+5. It’s not a fix. It’s a crutch. When I decided to ask for these I was hitting rock bottom - I thought “but I’ve already been there again and again, why I would need it now?”. Question was actually: why do I didn’t try before? Not saying meds are for everyone of course. But having a depression and acknowledging my traumas, I got hit by this huge wave of just… emptiness and suicidal thoughts. Simple actions were SO consuming and impossible to do. I needed crutch to help me feel more able to take care of myself, so I could progressively work on what hurt the most too. So, medications is not for everyone, but sometimes it starts with that in order to feel more stable emotionally and have the opportunity to “do the work”.

• Changing my environment. Those were heartbreaking steps, but it’s when I also stopped talking to my parents. At first it pushed me in a really dark place. But with time I was able to also realize that it was freeing. That it was necessary. When you think for years and years “I need to stay away from them” while breaking down, there’s a point when you know it’s just what is needed.

• Working on my tendency to hide and run away. I’ve lurked for almost a year on the HS streams without saying a word. And I’ve also kept hiding from time to time - no update to no one, DMs ignored and whatever. I still have these urges. But I try to create more and more time and steps between the moment I feel unsafe, and the moment I hide away. Somehow, connecting on a daily basis has given a purpose too. Sometimes unhealthy - forgetting myself to support someone else -, sometimes life saving too.

• Educating myself about my struggles. I remember you’ve mentioned Gabor Maté once - what a good resource this man! I have grown (hurt but grown) a lot when I have started to understand more what is Complex PTSD, depression and social anxiety. It has felt both like a curse and a gift. Because I could understand that I wasn’t crazy! I wasn’t at fault. I have been conditioned to believe that, and it something I even need to work on at a biological level. Our mind is a complex treasure. Side note: an amazing community, at least one that helped me feel less alone, is on the subreddit CPTSD. I never really interacted there, but reading testimonials and experiences there has really helped to feel less alone, and review my story through a different lens.

• Relying on others words and encouragement, especially in this community, when I am absolutely unable to trust myself or feel worthy of anything. I kind of stop trying to relying on my thoughts and give it all to people I have learn to trust. They become my shoulders, my anchor. Because I know they don’t have any intention nor interest to hurt or lie to me. Which is a great relief.

• The small things. All the small things. The little experiences of everyday life that reminds me how rare and beautiful life can be. This plant that I’ve been trying to grow at home. The morning warmth of coffee while breathing outside. Slowing down. Having times of silence (which was so uncomfortable at first!). Trying to treat myself more and more at the opposite of what I’ve always done. Because I could rely on one experience: hurting myself, whether it’s physically or with my thoughts, has never served me. Never.

• Art/drawing. Creativity in general. It probably sounds anecdotal but the potential in this is actually incredible. This is SUCH a good outlet to allow yourself to have a space for YOU. And you exclusively. Without any “I should” or “I have to”. There is no rule when it comes to creativity, and it is a wonderful way to observe yourself being, to identify your personal limits, as well as the internal dialogue you may have with yourself.

I still have self-hate urges. Times of breakdown that don’t say their name. Oftentimes I don’t even understand why it’s there. I’ve reached out the other day on the Wall and I know there were responses - I am still unable to read it. But that’s okay. The world is not going to change. I’m not hated for it. I’m not rejected. I’m not different than yesterday.

There is comfort in the stability that we can find in places that are safe. Because we can scream, laugh, cry - we can be everything. Yet the safety remains. The love remains.

I hope all of this is not too off topic for your question. <3

[blini]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and what helped you. It’s very inspiring and full on topic!! You’re an amazingly fascinating human being.

@Micro

Times of breakdown that don’t say their name. Oftentimes I don’t even understand why it’s there.

This. Exactly this. It’s so tough being in so much pain without knowing the reason, without being able to rationalize it to find an explanation that would make it meaningful.

Run and hide. That’s the story of my life. Even when I put all my courage together and put something out there, chances are very high I go back and delete everything again. It is terrifying, especially after my last trauma.

That’s also what the “being out of control” relates to. Out of control what would happen in a treatment center. Staff can enter your room at any time, chances are high that several patients sleep in the same room. But also not being in control of what happens to me physically and emotionally. I have to be in control of whether I want to engage in those behaviors or not. I cannot have them being taken away from me, that would be a nightmare. My first treatment center experience was horrific.

I have to do something about it. Now. My thoughts are already going down the “I can do this on my own” road. Is that really possible? Without any social contacts? Without anyone knowing, without anyone to rely on in real life? I’m not sure what role my social isolation plays if I want to recover. Dealing with others in a non-small talk kind of way would entail them noticing at some point that there’s something going on and I don’t want to share with anyone IRL how far away from okay I am. I’m running in circles and don’t see a way out.

[blini]

@Micro

It may be difficult to access and frustrating, but a good social worker for example could be a real ally to you - by using their network and skills to inform you and support you as much as you need.

Thank you for suggesting this. I’ll call the Red Cross on Monday. I hope they’re more supportive than the previous numbers I have called.

[Micro]

This. Exactly this. It’s so tough being in so much pain without knowing the reason, without being able to rationalize it to find an explanation that would make it meaningful.

For what it’s worth, something kind of freeing that I have learned is that we don’t have to understand why. Of course, there’s some deep work to do when it’s about healing out heart from things that were truly hurtful. But the connections between things that happened and how it still affects us/shapes us in the present can be so complex. In the present moment, when we are hurting, we don’t need to overwhelm and torture ourselves with the “why”. The only we need is to think about ways to take care of ourselves. Asking ourselves as if we would to with a friend or a child: what do I need right now? Comfort? Peace? Energy? Motivation? Inspiration? Calm?

Not knowing our “why’s” can amplify a feeling of helplessness at the moment, and make lose sight of the fact that, actually, we are in control. Maybe not of how our emotions happen, but at least how we react to those. And how we learn, each time. Little by little, pain becomes less a burden, and more an opportunity. To learn more, to experience more, to care more for ourselves too.

Run and hide. That’s the story of my life. Even when I put all my courage together and put something out there, chances are very high I go back and delete everything again. It is terrifying, especially after my last trauma.

I hear you. When I was reading your previous response I was thinking of how much brave you’ve been tonight (it’s tonight for me :p). We’ve been having this conversation here, that doesn’t have to be public. But you are here. We are here, together. And everything is okay. You are sharing your heart, you are being your vulnerable self, I get to know a little more about you, you get to know a little more about me. It is amazing to simply share life together. I’m grateful for you and for showing up today. These “simple” actions, most people don’t even have to think about it. Though for others it can be distressing and consuming. So, well done for not pushing back. I hope you can see that in you today.

This conversation here, as pixelated as it is, is very real and happening with real human beings. It is a privilege for me to have the possibility to be my broken self with people like you who don’t judge either.

Out of control what would happen in a treatment center. Staff can enter your room at any time, chances are high that several patients sleep in the same room.

That sounds awful, indeed. When I was little my mom was used to enter in my sister and I’s bedroom without knocking on the door. Since it was also associated to times of abuse, I am unable even as a grown adult to feel okay if people don’t knock at the door. Privacy is privacy. When you already struggle with taking up space, any action like this really feels like a threat to your own garden and world. Ugh!

But also not being in control of what happens to me physically and emotionally. I have to be in control of whether I want to engage in those behaviors or not. I cannot have them being taken away from me, that would be a nightmare.

I can see how a support group could be more helpful to you then. Kind of a safety net, but also one that is less brutal than a treatment center. A type of support in which you would be more allowed to experiment by yourself, but also have some real accountability taken.

Was it in this treatment center that you’ve met health practitioner that were dismissive? If I may ask.

Dealing with others in a non-small talk kind of way would entail them noticing at some point that there’s something going on and I don’t want to share with anyone IRL how far away from okay I am. I’m running in circles and don’t see a way out.

I think trying to solve your issues on your own would be a way to avoid your fears. Though as uncomfortable as it is, these fears hold a potential for growth.

I would say, given your situation right now, an interesting thing for you could be to try to practice this honesty with your current therapist. First off, because you are already seeing them and have started to mention a little bit your addiction. But also because you truly have nothing to lose - they are literally paid to listen and support you. And if they are not respectful somehow, you have all the right to “fire” them. You are basically their boss. Really. You show the way. You set the pace. You set the rules. The time on therapy is yours.

And you could have a space right here to prepare yourself if you want, or even vent all the fears and stress, and/or share your thoughts afterwards. No pressure though. I just think that, as much as it can be scary to be rejected for a relationship that matters, it could eventually be different with a therapist, as the relationship is more neutral, if that makes sense. Though it is completely depending on how you feel about this therapeutic relation too.

For me at first, I couldn’t mention my childhood traumas for example. Then at some point I said “my mother was a violent person when I grew up”. Then I started to use the name “trauma” by myself. And progressively I used the word abuse - which was the scariest to me. Somehow, it helps to reflect on words too when they are difficult to say. To identify which ones are the most impossible for you to say, what kind of words or expressions you could use instead to communicate the same sentiment, etc. Language can be very helpful (even though you might share a different language?).

[Micro]

Thank you for suggesting this. I’ll call the Red Cross on Monday. I hope they’re more supportive than the previous numbers I have called.

That’s amazing. Great idea. Fully supported!

I’m a social worker myself (well, when I have a job where I live, lol). Something I always want to say is: push doors. As much as possible. I know it’s daunting and frustrating and energy-consuming. But don’t be afraid to “bother” anyone because being “bothered” is literally their job, even if you’re not at the right place at first. Oftentimes information is not well shared to the public, unfortunately. So workers may not be effective, or slow, or not responsive, but there are people out there who are very dedicated and do their best to move mountains, even when it’s just to indicate a place or use their own relations to help.

[blini]

@Micro

The only we need is to think about ways to take care of ourselves.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. That’s very insightful. I always start analyzing where this is coming from instead of thinking about what I need in the moment. My need to justify myself, my emotions, my behaviors, my existence is immense.

@Micro

This conversation here, as pixelated as it is, is very real and happening with real human beings. It is a privilege for me to have the possibility to be my broken self with people like you who don’t judge either.

That’s so true and easily forgotten online. There are real human beings we’re communicating with. Still it is so much less scary than doing so in the real world. It feels like a parallel universe to me, but the truth is it isn’t, it’s just easier to imagine it this way to be able to share anything at all.

I made the “it can’t be that bad” experience several times. Already the first time I sought professional help ever. As long as I was able to force myself through a professional life, that was the feedback. The therapist I currently see is the first one who actually believes what I’m saying, but I cannot discuss my addictive behaviors with her. I don’t know why.

The only thing I can come up with is to think about rules to stick to and find accountability. I tried to find that but either timing or lacking bandwidth of the person I asked were a problem. But maybe that isn’t even the way to go. Maybe I should be able to stick to these rules on my own.

12 steps aren’t for me and the SMART recovery group is with 90 participants each evening, so not the place to discuss individual goals.

@Micro

push doors. As much as possible

That is really tough. If I hear a “no”, I’d never ask “really?”. I’d probably leave already before hearing the “no”. I’ll make this call on Monday though. That’s stressing me out already now, but I guess it really is time to aim for a somewhat more major change.

Thank you for being there and here with me tonight (for me too :)). You’re the first person ever who supports me to such a massive extent and doesn’t tell me how annoying I was and that I should just suck it up. I can’t even wrap my mind around that. That it can be this way. That’s mind-blowing. Thank you, Micro, for providing the opportunity that I can make this experience.

[Micro]

. My need to justify myself, my emotions, my behaviors, my existence is immense.

Your existence is made of a beautiful complexity, sometimes frightening to you, other times fascinating. I feel like, when we heal from past traumas at least, there’s a point that we experience during which our emotions (heart) are really different than our thoughts (mind). We learn things rationally. We educate ourselves. But at an emotional and physical level, we can still be stuck in the past somehow, in old automatism and patterns.

The harmony between your mind and your heart is kind of a healing goal. In the meantime though, you will experience many moments when you will feel deeply divided. If you integrate for example more and more the idea that you are loved and worthy, you may understand it but feeling the complete opposite. And that division is okay. It’s growth at play. So when there is distress because how you feel is confusing or doesn’t make sense rationally, then you can remind yourself that this very moment is made for feelings, not thoughts, not deep and philosophical reflections. Only emotions. The time for thinking and understanding can happen later, once the storm has passed. And from there, you can set the conditions to allow yourself to be, safely, in the present moment. To remind yourself that as much pain as there can be, this very moment is exactly this: a moment.

The therapist I currently see is the first one who actually believes what I’m saying, but I cannot discuss my addictive behaviors with her. I don’t know why.

There’s probably something interesting for you to dig there - maybe not tonight, but I would surely encourage you to do so. As a bit of introspection and just evaluating a bit your current therapeutic relationship from the outside. What kind of thoughts come to your mind when you’d like to talk about it but feel like you can’t. But also: have you ever had the intention to talk about it prior to a meeting? Your might need the mental preparation necessary to set this intention too. (As a meeting already often requires its own mental preparation ).

The only thing I can come up with is to think about rules to stick to and find accountability. I tried to find that but either timing or lacking bandwidth of the person I asked were a problem.

I think you are part of an Action Group, right? Completely fine if you’ve never been to a meeting. Just wondering how you feel about this too. I know I’ve recommended it to you before. Though I’m ALL about helping in any way to make it more accessible for you. I’ve noticed some time ago that it would have been in the group with one of the HS Staff member (Nate) - and wanted to say that he is one of the safest people I know. We discuss now every week through a voice call and this dude genuinely cares about the people he talks to. I would 100000% vouch for him and never be afraid to recommend him as an Action Group Leader, but also as a treasure of a human being.

Guess what I mean is that, if you’d like to have some more in-depth conversation to answer any question, explain how things are in a group like this, with him and I, or just me and I let him know, or just him - whatever is comfortable for you, then that would be 100% okay. I have no doubt that he would be okay with spending time supporting you in feeling comfortable during those meetings, while also respecting your boundaries entirely.

tl;dr: if you are interested, then there are only solutions to create from there. Even if it’s just to see how it works at first and what is the dynamic of this group specifically.

I’ll make this call on Monday though. That’s stressing me out already now, but I guess it really is time to aim for a somewhat more major change.

You got this. And regardless of the outcome for now, trying is the way. Keep that preciously in your mind and heart.

I swear, a bit earlier I was shading tears just because I truly feel your willingness to not give up, to give a chance to people, to give a chance to yourself, even if you’ve been used to the lies that have been stuck for too long. I can’t emphasize enough how much I respect and appreciate your trust - if you allow me to name it as such.

You’re the first person ever who supports me to such a massive extent and doesn’t tell me how annoying I was and that I should just suck it up

Well, even if it would be raining cows and frogs and pants outside (yes, pants), I would still not say that to you, and even less think it.

Thank you for your vulnerability. Something that you need to keep with you, is that this kind of conversation happens thanks to you. Thanks to your willingness to try. To give yourself a chance. To not isolate when you are struggling.

You’re a beautiful human being and there is so much life in this heart of yours. You deserve to be heard, supported and respected. You always did. And you will always do.

Thank you as well for your presence. (and for being patient with my long posts hehe)

[blini]

@Micro

There’s probably something interesting for you to dig there

I agree. Analyzing situations from an outside perspective is causing me massive problems. Even when we wrote about walking away from family the other day, I wasn’t aware how much this contributes to my pain and the weight I’m carrying and how incredibly crushed I still am about it. Probably, because it’s too painful and then thoughts around this aren’t clear at all.
I guess shame, fear of judgement, being protective of it, fear of being triggered, and fear of being invalidated are among the top reasons. “Just don’t do it” is a common advice, and usually ppl don’t accept/get that there the issue has an addictive part to it. Too much cliche around that topic.

@Micro

I think you are part of an Action Group, right?

My appointment with my therapist is at the exact same time. I’ve been to a meeting once because my appointment was cancelled, but I participated only passively (not even writing), which was probably totally weird for the others. The times of the other groups are also not possible for me unfortunately. I have to say though that even if I had time, it would be a massive problem to share it (by now also because I’m still making such a fuss about sharing what’s going on and then someone might think why is that even a problem you’re struggling with, it’s nothing, there are people who have real problems).

Thank you so much for your time and being there. It was relieving, gave me hope, and has helped to get a bit away from that dark place.
I hope you have a lovely Sunday. There’s precipitation where I live, though it’s still rain and not pants. Someone may have missed the conversation we had yesterday…

[Micro]

. Even when we wrote about walking away from family the other day, I wasn’t aware how much this contributes to my pain and the weight I’m carrying and how incredibly crushed I still am about it.

When I’ve read your own message that day, it’s what opened a door as well to me. I’ve been talking about it in this community and I have found help to navigate the awful emotions associated to it. But I was once again burying it now that time has passed a little more. Kind of with grief: there’s a time when it feels like people around forget (which is not a critic at all), and as a result there would be less room to talk about it. I can feel intuitively that it hurts a lot, but it got to the point when my mind just numbs it all so I avoid feeling anything related to this situation. Somehow, we can be grateful for that because it’s a protective mechanism. But we can’t ignore all the time. Sometimes we need to open that door, even if it’s just to observe without understanding what’s going on there.

What you say is so relatable:

Probably, because it’s too painful and then thoughts around this aren’t clear at all.

Damn, yes. For what it’s worth, I’m 100% in this with you. It’s not clear at all to me, between what I feel (and how to name that), but also what I think I should feel somehow, and on the other hand the willingness to not overwhelm myself with unfair expectations. It’s like having different voices that sing a different song - and it’s not harmonious at all. So it makes sense to be scared of opening that door. To feel like if we do so, then do we have any guarantee that the flow of pain, confusion and helplessness would stop at some point? It feels sometimes like looking at a bottomless pit - we don’t have any real perspective regarding how things are going to be, for how long it’s going to last, etc. At least when you see what you’re heading for, it’s easier to accept the uncertainty and obstacles on the road. For this situation, it seems that it is 100% subjected to whatever would arise, and how we would react to it.

Healing traumas, abuse and hurt has to come with a kind of “sit with your emotions” attitude - so we can regain control over the flow of emotions that, in any case, will come back to us or manifest silently, but significantly. But it doesn’t have to be a 360° change just in a day. Actually that would be pretty harmful. It needs to be done little by little. Hence why to me personally setting intentional times when I am just with myself and my thoughts, is very helpful, even if I’d be doing something a bit passive (coloring for example). But I can’t do that for hours or everyday. It’s little bits here and there, and especially when I feel like I’m trying to avoid myself. Our brain needs training to understand again “I can feel what I feel and be safe right here and right now, I can feel what I feel without having to avoid myself or numb myself”.

I guess shame, fear of judgement, being protective of it, fear of being triggered, and fear of being invalidated are among the top reasons. “Just don’t do it” is a common advice, and usually ppl don’t accept/get that there the issue has an addictive part to it. Too much cliche around that topic.

People want to have an opinion about everything, and are often more versed in giving advice than listening. I’m a firm believer that we should normalize not giving advice unless it is asked explicitly. Listening, holding a kind of mirror to the person in front of us, is so much more powerful. Because the work needs to be done within, no matter our struggles.

“Just don’t do it”: so frustrating! “Just stop being that”, “just stop stressing about that”, “just do the thing” - oh jeez! If that was so simple. There’s always more at play than pure willingness, and it’s such an indirect way to make someone feel guilty for struggling. It’s just so wrong. Of course there’s a fine line with starting to throw a pity party at ourselves - but this whole self-empowerment ideology and type of advice can be so toxic sometimes.

I’m really sorry that you’ve had to deal with judgment and limited understanding before. Protecting yourself is absolutely understandable. If you burn your hand on a hot plate, you just never put it back on. The good (and scary) side of humans though, is that no one is the same, unlike hot plates, and not everyone is going to dismiss or judge you. But there is the memory of the past. It takes time, and that is completely okay.

I have to say though that even if I had time, it would be a massive problem to share it (by now also because I’m still making such a fuss about sharing what’s going on and then someone might think why is that even a problem you’re struggling with, it’s nothing, there are people who have real problems).

No problem - I completely understand. I can promise that you would never be dismissed there. And regarding the lurking mode - I’ve literally done that for a MasterClass lesson that Nate gave. He knows I struggle with social anxiety and I felt like I couldn’t even join with staying silent. He invited me to connect and be there, but to lurk completely and simply listen. It’s completely fine to be someone who needs to observe first.

Although there is indeed a schedule matters there, so thank you for letting me know. Let’s say - keep it in your pocket in case you can’t access therapy at some point. Of course it’s not a replacement for it, but it could be a temporary spot to land on. It can be a great place to keep some safe connections, accountability, and not lose yourself in self-isolation. < if this perspective is scary, then you can have a safety net right there too. Always.

by now also because I’m still making such a fuss about sharing what’s going on and then someone might think why is that even a problem you’re struggling with, it’s nothing, there are people who have real problems

I can imagine this thought in your mind, kind of “I’ve been so secretive about it now people are going to imagine that it’s a big deal while it’s not” - To which I really want to respond that, no matter what it is, what is important to you is important to me - and to everyone here. The importance of something is a matter of perception and personal feelings. No one gets to say “oh that’s not a big deal”.

Someone in this community often shares an example that helps me personally when I feel like gaslighting myself: a child that is happy because they’re eating an ice-cream, then the ice-cream falls down on the floor and they cry their soul out. From the outside, it certainly doesn’t feel like the end of the world - but to them, at this moment, in the combination of these circumstances of. their life, it IS important, it is what they are focused on and what causes difficult emotions to them. It is what is taking all their energy. A wrong reaction would be to say to the child: chin up! Be a man or whatever. But that would be so wrong, right? Just like you would never dismiss someone’s struggle here on the Wall (and oh dear we talk about any situation and walks of life, as you’ve certainly noticed!), you don’t deserve that kind of judgment either - from others, or from yourself.

Enjoy the rainy mood today (if you like it :p). Gives an opportunity to create some cozy and comfy vibes at home! It’s not rainy here but definitely grey-yikes type of weather, lol. Sunday often feels like a very slow day.

Thank you so much for your time and willingness to share what’s on your heart. Also to just have this conversation with many interesting topics and thoughts to develop. I find comfort in it too.

[blini]

@Micro

Sometimes we need to open that door, even if it’s just to observe without understanding what’s going on there.

Totally agree. To feel the pain and let it be, not walking away from it. Otherwise, it’ll build up and get back at us even harder. It is challenging though to go through the pain over and over again. I try to avoid it too and sometimes just have to numb it because it’s so painful. That’s why I had to leave the conversation the other day and even the server. I wasn’t ready to relive my trauma through someone else’s experience.

@Micro

To feel like if we do so, then do we have any guarantee that the flow of pain, confusion and helplessness would stop at some point?

That’s 100% where I’m currently at. This uncertainty, the not knowing whether this will pass, whether there will be things showing up when they’re needed. I’m not spiritual, but got into ideas of Eckhart Tolle who’s key teaching basically is to be in the present moment. To quote him: “You trust in life that whatever it is you need when the future comes will be there.” This trust… I have to believe in that quote. It is so hard, so scary, but it’s the only way to go, for me, right now.

@Micro

Hence why to me personally setting intentional times when I am just with myself and my thoughts, is very helpful, even if I’d be doing something a bit passive (coloring for example).

That’s what I did today. I had to look at the trauma and wrote down what happened in that year. It became finally clear to me why it led to so much pain and traumatized me that much. I had problems beforehand to acknowledge and see why it had such a tremendous effect on me. It’s been a breakthrough. Being aware of this and then looking back on my story I understand so much more. It’s been painful and there are still many more tears to come. But I know it now. I can now finally validate my own experience, looking back from a perspective of awareness.

@Micro

If you burn your hand on a hot plate, you just never put it back on.

I hope that, some day, I’ll get to the point that I can say even if that happens, it won’t bother me as much, so that it’s not about avoiding the situation but about knowing that I can handle the pain because I’m more stable and connected to my Self.

Thank you for your encouragement and reassurance about sharing my struggles. I hope I’ll soon find a way that allows me to take steps towards overcoming this.
My entire day today went completely differently because of our conversation yesterday. I imagined that it would be engaging in those behaviors all day, but it wasn’t. Instead I had a major breakthrough towards healing trauma.

[Micro]

Dear @blini,

There truly is no word to express how beautiful your message is. What you have done yesterday was so huge, so fundamental. Sitting with yourself, looking at your trauma - to use these very right words of yours - and not only putting words on it but also looking at it as something part of your story, a piece of a puzzle that is bigger than just the events that happened. Your focus shifts to a bigger picture, and you can start to make connections that are necessary for you to understand that you are not the issue. That the cause of your hurt has objective reasons to exist, reasons that are independent from who you are as a human being.

I am completely blown away by you and truly respect you. Yes, tears will keep happening. Breakthroughs are majors and so essential. But there isn’t a quick fix, as it is about unlearning things that have been learned for a long time. Your mind will keep resisting here and there and try to bring you in places you don’t deserve. Though you are starting to see yourself from the outside too. You see the time line of your life and not just a succession of isolated events. This is going to serve you so much.

Never forget what you have done and accomplished yesterday, nor the conclusions you’ve had and the words you have shared here. It is here. It is real. It is now part of you and waiting to be enriched, explored, fulfilled, so you could learn to create more room for love, empathy, care, patience, respect for yourself.

That’s why I had to leave the conversation the other day and even the server. I wasn’t ready to relive my trauma through someone else’s experience.

That is completely okay. Always do what is necessary to protect yourself/stay away from triggers if it overwhelms you. Actually, knowing when you need to step away is a real strength! Not everyone has such level of self-awareness, and continuously hurt themselves without realizing it, to the point of burning themselves out.

You are of course always welcome on the server - there’s no limit in the amount of going away/coming back. And who knows, maybe one of these days we would hang out during a swat meeting (we basically respond to people on the Wall, but from Discord :)).

It is challenging though to go through the pain over and over again.

It is. It really is. Sometimes you have to push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone. Other times you just really need to slow down, accept that it is there, that it is not your fault, but that in the present moment you can take care of yourself. That it’s okay to be sad or angry because the pain is still there. When you get to decide how you react in the present moment, of course you’re not recreating the story or cancelling what happened in the past. But you are empowering yourself again. Traumas are made of things we couldn’t control. Now, in the present moment, we can learn to control again how we respond to the pain.

This constant cycle of pain often made me feel often that I would be condemned to be in an endless battle against myself. Always having to stand up, fight, resist, be tense and on edge. I have this big part of me which first reaction is often to ask repeatedly “why? why me?”, feeling the injustice of the situation and become very impatient with myself as a result. While really, what we need the most is comfort, softness, safety. Because fighting and surviving… we actually know that too well.

To quote him: “You trust in life that whatever it is you need when the future comes will be there.” This trust… I have to believe in that quote. It is so hard, so scary, but it’s the only way to go, for me, right now.

The mysteries behind the concept of letting go! And acceptance. What I like in this quote that you’ve shared is that it’s an invitation to build hope. Not to wait for it passively, but to adopt this active attitude of creating hope in your life. Which doesn’t come from nowhere, actually! It comes from the knowledge that in the present moment you are doing what is necessary to build a stronger foundation in your life, even if it means to breathe and slow down.

To quote another author whom I really like, Thoreau: “What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate”. It’s harsh! A definition of self-fulfilling prophecies. But also the other side of the coin of what Tolle says. Mindset plays a huge role, even though of course it’s not about magical thinking either. It relies on knowing that you are doing what you need right here and right now, and that you are determined to keep on a healthy and healing path. There can’t be failure when you choose self-care, acceptance or love rather than self-hatred. And it’s how you build the confidence that you are going to be okay, little by little.

I hope that, some day, I’ll get to the point that I can say even if that happens, it won’t bother me as much, so that it’s not about avoiding the situation but about knowing that I can handle the pain because I’m more stable and connected to my Self.

Very good point! I truly wish that for you as well. I’m personally not getting there yet - conflicts/arguments are a big “trigger” to me so I tend to be a people pleaser and subjected to over-analyzing anyone’s behavior. But I’ve been learning to say no when I need to. To distance myself if I need to. To express my needs more to others, in a respectful way. To understand rationally that others emotions are not mine to carry.

You know, when you’ve decided to step away from your family, maybe it felt like avoidance, but somehow it was a way to assert your boundaries too, especially if it got to a point when you’ve realized that you couldn’t change them (I’m only guessing there, not assuming anything).

I completely believe in you and your ability to become stronger and stronger in learning to assert your personal needs and limits. We have a vulnerability in us because we were hurt, but step by step, these experiences can somehow lead us to become even more true to ourselves, even more authentic with others too. Traumas generally push us to experience the “dark night of the soul” (an interesting concept, if you’re curious about it, even minus the spiritual aspect of it - that helps to see helplessness/feeling of being lost as an opportunity for something different and better, and not necessarily a bad thing or the sign that we would be drowning).

Once again, and for what it’s worth from me: I’m very proud of you.

Thinking of you today as well, and fingers crossed for your call to the Red Cross. No matter how it goes and the responses you could get, you are doing something good, healthy, and courageous. I’m rooting for you.

[Micro]

Hey @blini,

Sending friendly thoughts and vibes your way today. If it’s sunny where you are, I hope you can enjoy a bit of that warmth. Even just at a window for a few minutes.

You’re loved and cared for.

[blini]

Hey Micro,

Thank you for your message. That’s so kind. Can’t describe what it feels like that there’s someone who sends such a message. After such a long time. Thank you.

I hope you had a sunny day. I went outside, got obsessed with “collecting steps” a couple of weeks ago, but at least I manage to do something else besides my behaviors.

Sending you much love.

[Micro]

Well it’s good to know, I was afraid of being a burden/overwhelm you, right after sending this. It’s a constant fear, but still! Better showing up than not at all when we care.

I’m so very glad that you got to enjoy some fresh air. A “simple” self-care gesture, but one that can bring a lot in the long run. By collecting steps, do you mean tracking your amount of steps daily?

On a different note, have you got the possibility to contact the Red Cross as you wanted? In no way I want to stress you by asking this. No pressure to share any update about it, if you don’t want to. And no judgment either if the answer is no. Simply checking in.

Sending love your way.

[blini]

Hello you beautiful soul No way you could ever be a burden! Thank you for sharing about your fear though. I think it is a precious gift of yours to keep that door open and providing a hand, but without pushing others through the door in any way. It is an invite, but there’s no pressure. Thanks to how you communicate I know I can come here anytime, but that it is also okay when I don’t.

Yes, I meant tracking the amount of steps (re-reading my formulation made me laugh :D). It’s become somewhat obsessive, but currently I kind of appreciate it cause it’s hard to go outside during depressive episodes, so I get some fresh air at least.

I didn’t dare to call them out of fear of more invalidation, but mostly because my behaviors are completely out of control again and I’m very much stuck in the depressive fog.

My therapy session didn’t go that well either, I heard again something like ‘what is the problem about your situation’. I’m tired to hear that. Show me the person who doesn’t give a f* about losing everyone who was in their life from basically one day to another. That pain doesn’t just vanish by talking about it in session. It comes back again and again and again. I don’t get why it is impossible to understand that. Such comments always create more shame and fuel depressive thoughts.
Well, this too shall pass. I hope rather sooner than later!