There truly is no word to express how beautiful your message is. What you have done yesterday was so huge, so fundamental. Sitting with yourself, looking at your trauma - to use these very right words of yours - and not only putting words on it but also looking at it as something part of your story, a piece of a puzzle that is bigger than just the events that happened. Your focus shifts to a bigger picture, and you can start to make connections that are necessary for you to understand that you are not the issue. That the cause of your hurt has objective reasons to exist, reasons that are independent from who you are as a human being.
I am completely blown away by you and truly respect you. Yes, tears will keep happening. Breakthroughs are majors and so essential. But there isn’t a quick fix, as it is about unlearning things that have been learned for a long time. Your mind will keep resisting here and there and try to bring you in places you don’t deserve. Though you are starting to see yourself from the outside too. You see the time line of your life and not just a succession of isolated events. This is going to serve you so much.
Never forget what you have done and accomplished yesterday, nor the conclusions you’ve had and the words you have shared here. It is here. It is real. It is now part of you and waiting to be enriched, explored, fulfilled, so you could learn to create more room for love, empathy, care, patience, respect for yourself.
That’s why I had to leave the conversation the other day and even the server. I wasn’t ready to relive my trauma through someone else’s experience.
That is completely okay. Always do what is necessary to protect yourself/stay away from triggers if it overwhelms you. Actually, knowing when you need to step away is a real strength! Not everyone has such level of self-awareness, and continuously hurt themselves without realizing it, to the point of burning themselves out.
You are of course always welcome on the server - there’s no limit in the amount of going away/coming back. And who knows, maybe one of these days we would hang out during a swat meeting (we basically respond to people on the Wall, but from Discord :)).
It is challenging though to go through the pain over and over again.
It is. It really is. Sometimes you have to push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone. Other times you just really need to slow down, accept that it is there, that it is not your fault, but that in the present moment you can take care of yourself. That it’s okay to be sad or angry because the pain is still there. When you get to decide how you react in the present moment, of course you’re not recreating the story or cancelling what happened in the past. But you are empowering yourself again. Traumas are made of things we couldn’t control. Now, in the present moment, we can learn to control again how we respond to the pain.
This constant cycle of pain often made me feel often that I would be condemned to be in an endless battle against myself. Always having to stand up, fight, resist, be tense and on edge. I have this big part of me which first reaction is often to ask repeatedly “why? why me?”, feeling the injustice of the situation and become very impatient with myself as a result. While really, what we need the most is comfort, softness, safety. Because fighting and surviving… we actually know that too well.
To quote him: “You trust in life that whatever it is you need when the future comes will be there.” This trust… I have to believe in that quote. It is so hard, so scary, but it’s the only way to go, for me, right now.
The mysteries behind the concept of letting go! And acceptance. What I like in this quote that you’ve shared is that it’s an invitation to build hope. Not to wait for it passively, but to adopt this active attitude of creating hope in your life. Which doesn’t come from nowhere, actually! It comes from the knowledge that in the present moment you are doing what is necessary to build a stronger foundation in your life, even if it means to breathe and slow down.
To quote another author whom I really like, Thoreau: “What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate”. It’s harsh! A definition of self-fulfilling prophecies. But also the other side of the coin of what Tolle says. Mindset plays a huge role, even though of course it’s not about magical thinking either. It relies on knowing that you are doing what you need right here and right now, and that you are determined to keep on a healthy and healing path. There can’t be failure when you choose self-care, acceptance or love rather than self-hatred. And it’s how you build the confidence that you are going to be okay, little by little.
I hope that, some day, I’ll get to the point that I can say even if that happens, it won’t bother me as much, so that it’s not about avoiding the situation but about knowing that I can handle the pain because I’m more stable and connected to my Self.
Very good point! I truly wish that for you as well. I’m personally not getting there yet - conflicts/arguments are a big “trigger” to me so I tend to be a people pleaser and subjected to over-analyzing anyone’s behavior. But I’ve been learning to say no when I need to. To distance myself if I need to. To express my needs more to others, in a respectful way. To understand rationally that others emotions are not mine to carry.
You know, when you’ve decided to step away from your family, maybe it felt like avoidance, but somehow it was a way to assert your boundaries too, especially if it got to a point when you’ve realized that you couldn’t change them (I’m only guessing there, not assuming anything).
I completely believe in you and your ability to become stronger and stronger in learning to assert your personal needs and limits. We have a vulnerability in us because we were hurt, but step by step, these experiences can somehow lead us to become even more true to ourselves, even more authentic with others too. Traumas generally push us to experience the “dark night of the soul” (an interesting concept, if you’re curious about it, even minus the spiritual aspect of it - that helps to see helplessness/feeling of being lost as an opportunity for something different and better, and not necessarily a bad thing or the sign that we would be drowning).
Once again, and for what it’s worth from me: I’m very proud of you.
Thinking of you today as well, and fingers crossed for your call to the Red Cross. No matter how it goes and the responses you could get, you are doing something good, healthy, and courageous. I’m rooting for you.