Recently I’ve been feeling so burdened and like I’m drowning, and I can’t swim back up to the top because more just keeps piling on and I’m only going deeper and deeper. Today I cut myself after having been clean for about 2 months. I accidently cut a bit too deep and had to quickly treat it, and I was surprised about how easy it was to do. I still remember how to take care of it and how to hide it, and I’m scared about having that power. I want to tell my family, and a part of me is begging them to notice and take care of me, and I’ve even been dropping hints and making it really obvious, but they just don’t see how much I’m hurting. My brain tells me that I’m being stupid, a burden, a waste of their time, and it’s getting harder to ignore my brain. I hate the way I look, and I hate how weak I am. If I wasn’t such a wimp, maybe I could take the knife and cut a bit deeper. Maybe I could take the noose, and actually leave it on. Maybe I could stop eating so fucking much. Maybe I could do better at just about everything. The thing is that I want to stop eating. I want to cut my skin open so that it bleeds all over my clothes and floor and bedsheets. I want to kill myself and end it all. And it scares me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or how I can fix it. I can’t tell my family even though I really want them to know. I know I need help, but I don’t know how to get it.
I am sorry you are in so much pain. When we are depressed our brain tells us all hurtful these lies and halftruths. Honestly you kind of remind me of myself when I was younger. i was also having thoughts like that and i was hurting a lot. I had also been cutting a lot the same as you. You are no weak Tessa. You are not ugly or stupid or whatever. I dont believe that. The reason you dont cut deeper is not because you are weak. That is one of the lies that our brain and our depression tells is. Not wanting to die, not wanting the hurt our friends and family, those are not weak things those are the things that make you human and strong! I want you to see that Tassa I want you to see the strenght within you .
Have you tried to find help for your problems with self harm and depression? Like a therapist or medication. It might really be helpful to try to do so. Is there somebody you trust who you can tell about your problems?
Hey TessaT. I can tell from your message you are really hurting. I will say from a parent perspective it is important that you tell someone. I am going through something kind of similar with my teen and they are so good at hiding things which makes it hard for me to know what is going on. Holding it all inside tends to make it fester. There are ways to get help for sure. It can be scary to reach out to someone but once you do it can lift the burden you are feeling.
You are stronger than you think you are, Tessa. Your brain is lying to you… you have goodness inside of you… I know you do.
I have never tried medication or a therapist. Honestly, the only people I have ever told about my problems have been online friends. I don’t think there is anyone IRL who I could tell about this unless I was to tell my family.
I don’t know why, but reading from your message that it’s from a parent perspective makes me feel better. Do you think that if I was to tell my parentals that they would feel the same as you? I’m mostly scared because they are very strictly Catholic, and I feel like they would believe it to be a sin or something. I guess everyone fears how their parents will react to something like this.
Obviously I don’t know your parents so I can only speak from my own perspective. This is what I know… as a parent… I want to help my child, I want to comfort my child, I want to be there when they are struggling. My teen is the same way and fears being judged by us. I asked my teen the other day to please just give me a chance. I cannot help you if I have no clue what is going on. I have found in my own experience (cuz I’m kinda old ) that keeping things inside just make them grow. The worries get bigger. The thoughts multiply and then it becomes almost a soundtrack in your mind… playing over and over. Darkness cannot live if you let the light in. My teen used to tell us they would never consider talking to a therapist… no way. Now almost a year and a half in and my teen sees their therapist as such a valuable tool, a non judgey person, someone who gives ideas they are more open to because it isn’t a parent.
I know there is a beautiful person inside, Tessa. You just can’t see it at the moment… but it is there.
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